


Already Gone

by cruelladevilline



Series: I need you like no other [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Prison, Angst, Childhood Trauma, Drug Abuse, Drug Dealing, Enemies to Friends, F/M, Flashbacks, Implied Relationships, Jealous Sirius Black, Jealousy, Love Triangles, M/M, Mental Health Issues, No Actual Cheating, Post-Break Up, Prison Heavily Mentioned, Slow Burn, Unhealthy Relationships, and to possible lovers, like everyone just hurting, this one is really messy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:54:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 76,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24989398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cruelladevilline/pseuds/cruelladevilline
Summary: “He's married you know, Sirius. He's really happy with her.”It was a warning, Sirius knew. Don't fuck up Remus' life again. He tried to swallow down the lump forming at the base of his throat and clear away the completely unjustified jealousy and hurt, that coursed through him. It didn't help though and he knew it was selfish and wrong and destructive, but that's how he always acted when it came to Remus. Possessive.“I know,” Sirius said instead, but it was harsh and bitter, and everything he didn't want to be. “I know."
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Remus Lupin/Nymphadora Tonks, Remus Lupin/Others, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: I need you like no other [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1808818
Comments: 46
Kudos: 77





	1. Leave Your Lover

**Author's Note:**

> TW: for panic attacks and heavy mentions of mental health throughout this series. drug use, dealing and prison are also heavily mentioned topics. 
> 
> if you haven't read the first story in this series, you'll be very confused so I recommend it. but you do you bb

“Goodbye, Sirius.” 

The line went dead, and the panicked, gut-twisting feeling grew in Sirius. His mouth tasted bitter, and his head burned, and vision swam from unshed tears. Remus sounded clear, and distinct, guilt that shouldn't be there engraved in his voice. _No, no,_ _come back, come back, come back, comebackcomebackcomeback._

Sirius shivered involuntarily, the normally warm Potter household felt freezing, and he wrapped his arm around himself. The brisk temperature of the room did nothing to lessen the insistent pounding of his head, nor the nauseating feeling growing in his stomach. Sirius suddenly felt much smaller and younger then the twenty-six year old he was supposed to be. He wanted to scream in frustration, and kick and hit things until the screaming thought of _Remus, Remus, Remus_ was out of his head, so he could just think clearly for a second. The overwhelming thought of him was driving Sirius mad.

Pulling himself from his mind, Sirius re-dialed the number from his recent calls file. It continued to ring and ring, and when Sirius expected to hear a voicemail the line went dead. That time he did let out an audible groan of frustration, re-dialing the number a few times. On his sixth try, he let the phone drop from his hand, making a loud thump on the floor below. He couldn't be bothered to care if the screen had shattered right now. Letting the reality of Remus not picking up the phone, finally hit him. 

Sirius pushed the heels of his palms into his closed eyes, rubbing at them until the ache in his head subsided slightly. It didn't help erase the image of a younger Remus from his mind though, nor did it help the way his voice kept playing on repeat. It was different now. No longer was it the light, teasing-lit tone he was so accustomed to. It was deeper, filled with caution and uncertainty, and _distrust._ The last time Sirius heard it like that, Remus walked out of his life. 

The memories brought the bitter taste in his mouth back, and he mentally willed away the image of a much more brokenhearted Remus begging Sirius to chose him over his addiction. Heavy, thumping footsteps pull him from his downward spiral of thoughts and to the offender of said footsteps. 

A far too grim expression set on a juvenile face, that matched Sirius' own. Glasses slightly askew and a birds-nest for hair, James plopped down on the couch, besides Sirius. He didn't say anything at first, the only disruption of the silence is the crackling of the fire that still rages on in the living room, a staple for winters in the Potter household. Sirius thinks he may have liked his nightmarish thoughts more than the disapproving Dad Silence he was getting. 

“Heard, did you?” Sirius asks and it's then he realizes how weak his voice sounds. How desperate. 

The silence stretches on for another beat, enough to make it uncomfortable. Sirius was about to ask again when James finally piped up, voice stern and borderline pitying. “He's married you know, Sirius. He's really happy with her.” _Finally_ goes left unsaid. 

It was a warning, Sirius knew. Don't fuck up Remus' life again. He tried to swallow down the lump forming at the base of his throat, and clear away the completely unjustified jealousy, and _hurt,_ that coursed through him. It didn't help though, and he knew it was selfish and wrong and destructive, but that's how he always acted when it came to Remus. _Possessive._

“I know,” Sirius said instead, but it was harsh and bitter, and everything he didn't want to be. “I know.” 

*****

It's been about two months since the incident now dubbed 'The Phone Call'. Adjusting to civilian life out of prison looks far easier in the movies, then it was in real life. Sirius couldn't thank James and Lily enough for letting him stay with them as he tried to re-accustom himself to freedom. Not having each hour of your life planned out on an itinerary was new to Sirius. His body wasn't used to it, still waking and sleeping at the hours set to lights on and off. The Potters were always there to help and they truly made the transition much smoother back to Sirius' life of freedom. 

Weekly movie nights, eating out at restaurants, playing board-games on family night, everything they did in their daily lives was a nostalgic occurrence Sirius had to get used to. It was something Sirius couldn't thank them enough for, not everyone had it this easy getting out of prison. Each day brought back memories of boarding school, especially since James hadn't changed a bit. A goofy smile is present on his face as they went on their third round of Mario Kart. He kept yelling cheater at Sirius and Lily, despite him just being rubbish at the game. 

“No no I'm telling you! Sirius, my friend, my brother, my one and only! My wife here is cheating! Rigging the game, I say!” 

James slung his arm around Sirius, using his other to point at Lily accusingly. Sirius raised an eyebrow at James, watching as he tried to keep an accusatory expression as Lily stared at him deadpan. The harder and longer Lily stared, the more James' expression started to crack, sweat gathering at his temple. 

Sirius couldn't help but laugh out, “Sorry mate, I think you're just bad at this.” 

James only whipped his head around, bringing the arm that was resting upon Sirius' shoulder to his chest, a look of mock heartbreak and dread on his face. “Oh, how you wound me, brother!” He moved his hand now to his forehead, “Woe is me, bullied by my best friend and wife!” 

James could only keep the act up for so long as he kept his gaze locked with Sirius, matching grins breaking through on their expressions. Laughter filled the house between the two of them, controllers lay forgotten on the floor. James spewed out more cries of cheating but could hardly form a sentence, each time being interrupted by their laughter. 

“Alright alright, you've had your theatrics for the night, James.” Lily scolded fondly, a smile breaking the impact of her own words. Amusement was laced in her grin as she dropped her own controller, shaking her head at the two of them. 

“You have yet to see my greatest performance yet, Lily dear!” James said, shaking his head and quickly moving to corner his wife, arms raised to her sides. Sirius could see her eyes narrow in warning, but they quickly scrunched up as laughter escaped her, James relentlessly tickling her sides.

Sirius only stood back, a grin of his own still present on his face as he watched his best mate and wife play fight on their living room floor. It was a moment of surrealness for Sirius, wondering if he could have missed this. Missed them. Their lives always going, moving forward regardless if he was there for it or not. Sirius could feel the pang of loneliness shoot through his chest, as Lily's laughter filled up the Potters home. A home they bought for themselves after they had been wed; a wedding Sirius never got to see. His joy turned to ash in his mouth and he felt stupid for feeling bad that their lives went on without him, knowing this was no one's fault but his own. Sirius' thoughts turned to Remus then, remembering he also built a life. One that has a wife and a son and a home completely unrelated to the one they shared before. 

Before Sirius' thoughts could go in the down-ward Remus spiral, yells of surrender snapped him back to the present. Lily yielded, her hands thrown up, tears gathered at the corners of her eyes from laughter. James' smile was full of pride and triumph from his fake battle. One he definitely would not win had Lily not be letting him. 

Dusting herself off from the floor she mused out-loud, “After all that winning, I'm rather hungry. Anyone else up for left-over pasta?” 

Sirius laughed again, genuinely, as he followed her to the kitchen. “Only if James doesn't do the weird pickle-pasta combination again.” 

Her face screwed up in disgust at the memory as she shook her head, “Absolutely not, that is banned in this household.” 

James only put on a full pouty face in retaliation, plopping down at the dining table next to Sirius. “No one here appreciates my genius. That was one of my better ideas.” 

Sirius winced at the memory but a grin overtook it soon after, “Really mate, it wasn't.” 

James continued to fight for the pickle-pasta concoction he made up in their school days, him and Lily going back and forth as she warmed the pasta. The conversation smoothed to other topics, how James was doing with work; he spent a solid five minutes going on about how his managing developer was a complete ass before Lilly went on to talk about how her work-life was. She had just been finishing a story on how her patient smuggled her pet hamster in, as she finished serving up three bowls of pasta. 

After prison mush for so long, Sirius didn't think he'd ever appreciated food in his life more. He quickly stuffed his mouth, only stopping as Lily asked, “Speaking of work, how goes the job search?” 

Only after finishing did he reply, “Good actually! There's this bar downtown that's known for hiring out-of-prison staff.” 

Lily hummed, stirring around her food, “A bar? That could be a bad environment for you. Especially if its with other previous inmates.” 

Sirius had to fight the flare of irritation at the judgment in her tone, keeping his expression neutral as she spoke. It wasn't flat-out disapproval, but it wasn't acceptance on her half either. “I told you; I'm completely sober. Drinking isn't gonna lead me down something like that again anyways.” He considered what he was about to say for about two seconds before spewing it anyways, “And besides those _previous inmates_ ” he imitated, ”Are the same as me, Lily.” 

Lily frowned at his words, putting down her fork only to reach over and take Sirius' hand. She placed hers over his, her words coming out as gently as her touch, “I didn't mean it like that Sirius, I'm only worried for you.” 

Guilt shined through and he immediately regretted the snippy tone and choice of words he used. He turned his hand over, quickly squeezing hers and nodding. She squeezed his hand back, giving a quick smile before finishing her remaining pasta. James picked up on another conversation, launching into a big story of a hacker who attacked the resource company. Sirius didn't think about the incident for the rest of the night, enjoying the company of his friends. 

** * **

It's been a few weeks since then, Sirius was still staying with the Potters, but he had seen a few of his older friends again. Peter stopped by to visit him, a pretty young girlfriend of his own, with him. They stayed for a while and Sirius laughed and talked and smiled with Peter and James like when they were young. The three of them together again just made Sirius more aware Remus _wasn't there._ Sirius had a hard time laughing again that night. 

After Peter, there was Marlene and Dorcas. A bigger surprise than seeing them again was probably seeing them together. Two blushing brides to be, complete with hand-holding and matching rings adorning their hands. Sirius and them went out to coffee and his thoughts were again filled with Remus when they shouldn't be. Remus who smelled like the tea they were serving and the rumbling of the rain from outside heard even over the music. Marlene and Dorcas' shy touches and love-struck expressions hurt more then Sirius cared to admit. He ignored the dull ache in his heavy chest in favor of answering their questions on how he was adjusting. 

Alice and Frank were next and with them brought thoughts of Sirius' family. When they stopped by the Potters house with a newborn baby boy who wouldn't stop crying, all he could think of was Regulus and how young he was. As James swooned over the baby, delight in his eyes over the new life, and the way Lily looked at her husband so _in love,_ he knew they too would soon have a family to call their own. The bitter feeling crawled back to sink its claws back in Sirius, feelings of hurt and shame and betrayal. Seeing how much life had changed when he was locked away behind bars made something nasty bloom in Sirius' chest. He ignored it, instead welcoming Alice and Frank back into his life with the new addition of little Neville. 

Sirius missed his family. Not to be confused with his sick mother and father no, but his brother; Regulus. Young, confused, hurt little Regulus that didn't have a friend in the world, not even an older brother to rely on or look up to. If Sirius regretted anything more then hurting Remus, it would be neglecting Regulus. For the shortest of moments, Sirius entertained the idea of fixing that now. Now that he's free and sober and finally fixing his life, could he be there for him? Would Regulus allow him back into his life? Sirius didn't even know where he was, if he was still at home, what he was doing. Sirius mused over the possibilities of finding his brother, but James interrupted his thoughts before he could think them over more. 

“You have this serious brooding face again!” James exclaimed, changing his expression to one of great concentration in an example. “Too many old friends?” 

Sirius shook his head, “No no, it's been great to see everyone again. I just..” he trailed off, unsure if he truly wanted to know what Regulus was doing. Sirius wasn't sure he even deserved to know. 

James plopped down on the couch next to Sirius, “You just..?” James prompted, waiting for him to finish his thought. 

With one final sigh, Sirius turned to James. He could feel his face was tight, his palms sweaty. He wasn't sure if he deserved to know or not, but he could decide later. Sirius at least wanted to talk about it, even if James didn't know anything of where Regulus was or what he was doing with his life. 

“I'd.. like to see Regulus again. Do you know where he is? Have you been in contact with him at all?” 

Sirius wasn't expecting the change of James' expression so quickly. He had always been shit at trying to hide anything but this was another level. The amount of awkwardness and discomfort that morphed his face had Sirius suddenly very concerned for his younger brother. James scratched the back of his head, his eyes quickly shifting from side-to-side as if looking for an escape. 

“What, what? Is he okay?” Panic edged Sirius's voice and the tightening in his chest escalated. 

James quickly snapped his eyes back to Sirius', arms jumping up in surprise, “Yes! Yes! Regulus is fine, he's okay.” 

Breath rushed out of Sirius, the panic washing out and a surprised laugh escaping him, “God, don't scare me like that then!” Sirius shook his head, awkward laugh still spilling out, “Then you know where he is? Do you have his number?” 

The grimace returned full force to James' face and Sirius wondered if his relief was too short-lived.

The awkward edge was back in James' posture and even more so in his voice as he ground out, “Well no, I don't have it. I don't know where he is now either. A lot of stuff happened when you got busted and went away..” He trailed off, expression still on edge as if he was contemplating his next words. James started speaking and stopped again many times, mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water. 

Sirius' patience was running very thin and he was close to yelling at James to get on with it when he finally croaked out, “You should really ask Remus.. about the whole thing. It's not my place to say, sorry Sirius.” 

Sirius' brain stopped any thought that wanted to pass, essentially brain-dead, head empty, no thoughts. Remus and Regulus having any connection outside of Sirius, much-less an entire story not to be spoken about, couldn't be processed by him. The two shouldn't have had any connection with each other. They had only met the few times Remus insisted on going to Sirius' nightmarish excuse of a household. How did they? _Why_ did they? Sirius proposed this very question to James aloud. 

“I'm sorry, I really can't say much about them. I can try and get Regulus' information if you want?” James pleaded. Whatever happened between them, James obviously didn't want to speak of it. 

As confusing and frustrating as it was to Sirius to not have answers now, he wasn't going to push James when he was so uncomfortable. He nodded, “Yeah.. if you could.” 

“Great! I'll.. get on that.” James bounced up off the couch, expression and voice void of the earlier atmosphere, “I should finish the laundry or else Lily will have my head! Talk later, Sirius!” Were his parting words as he bounded down the hallway, towards the laundry room. 

*****

A very taxing interview, some long hours training, and some coworker drama later, Sirius was working full-time at Louve Boisson restaurant and bar. The hours were good, the pay was good, and the management was quickly becoming some of his favorite people. There was nothing Sirius could complain about, especially given they were giving him a second chance. Except.. it was downtown, meaning nowhere near the Potter residence. The other problem? Sirius was very much car-free and license-less. Another order of business needed to be dealt with now that he isn't locked up. 

For now, the train was becoming quick friends with one Sirius Black. He stretched his lithe legs as far as they could in the small two-seater chairs. He was getting accustomed to tucking long limbs into awkward positions for a more comfortable train ride. The robotic voice channeled through the train car, rattling off different stops, Sirius' included. As the train pulled into the loading station, he shimmied out of his seat coming to stand at the sliding doors, opening and allowing him passage through. He only had a quick walk from the train station to the Potters house and for that Sirius was thankful. The air had started to warm with the coming of summer, winter passed and spring almost over. 

The sun was out today and beamed down on Sirius as he walked, warm enough to shed the leather jacket typically needed in England weather. Not for the first time, his thoughts drifted to Remus and what he remembers as his sunshine smile, contagious to everyone around it. Sirius wondered if his smile was still the same or had time, age, life, dimmed it. He couldn't ponder it long, thoughts drifting as Lily caught his attention as he pulled up to their house. Her hair was pulled up tight, bright red standing out in contrast to the grass she was surrounded by. Dirt was smudged on her cheeks and nose, covering her pants and shirt as well. The gardening gloves she was wearing didn't seem to do much to protect her from the rest of the dirt. 

“Lily.. planting lilies?” Sirius asked, coming to a stop by the picket fence just outside her. He rested his hands on it, wolfish grin in place. 

“These are daffodils, honestly Sirius, do you know nothing of plants?” She mumbled out, hands still buried in the dirt.

“Can't say I do, flowers are flowers.” 

She huffed out a slight laugh, accomplishment quickly marring her features as she stepped back to admire her work. “Pretty, right?” 

Sirius hummed, thinking the flowers were far too yellow, too sun-like, too Remus-like. He could feel a grimace take over his face the longer he looked at the flower so he asked instead, “Why flowers? Why are you even out here?” 

A blush he did not expect overtook Lily's face, her normally pale complexion turning as red as her hair, going all the way up to the tips of her ears. He raised an eyebrow, prompting a further explanation.

“I just.. wanted to get some hard work in the yard done before I won't be able to. Get some labor for the house in.” 

Sirius could feel his eyebrow fall, knitting down into confusion with the other, “Won't be able to? Are you two moving?” 

She waved her hands in front of her, “Nothing like that! I'll tell you and James more about it tonight. Are you hungry?” 

Sirius nodded. 

“Great, why don't you go in and make dinner then? I'll finish up here.” 

He huffed out a laugh, straightening from the fence and heading inside, getting ready to make dinner.

*****

Not being the best at cooking after having not done it in so long, not that he was good at cooking to begin with.. dinner was a little disastrous. The vegetables ended up extremely charred and the mashed potatoes were looking questionably slimy. Sirius doesn't even want to touch whatever happened with the chicken. 

“Honestly mate! How do you fuck up potatoes that bad!” James gasped out, tears from laughter freely flowing down his face. He almost toppled over the dining chair he was plopped in from how hard he was laughing. 

Sirius crossed his arms, hurt framed all over his face “I tried my best..” 

James' head popped up, stopping mid-laugh, “Ah no.. I know you- ah!” 

Sirius swatted at James with the dishtowel he was wielding, grin in place for all to see. 

“.. You sneaky little!” James retaliated, grabbing one of the other towels on the counter. The two boys took turns swatting at each other, the disaster of a dinner forgotten on the stove. The two carried on, switching between offense and defense, running around the island in the kitchen. Lily found them moments later, free of dirt and mud this time, a smile adorning her face as she watched them. 

..Until she noticed what was supposed to be dinner. She quickly rounded on Sirius, “Black.. you!!” 

Sirius dived behind James, using him as his own personal human shield. “I did try Lily! You told me to make it!” 

James nodded along with Sirius, “My love, that was your first mistake.” 

Lily sighed looking at the ruined dishes before huffing out a laugh at the two's antics, “I'll see what I can salvage.” 

The two cheered, spewing out encouragements as Lily tied an apron and attempted to salvage the mangled dishes. In the end, the chicken and the chicken alone was what Lily used, whipping up new vegetables and roasted potatoes this time. She served all three of their plates again, placing each one at their assigned spots at the dining room table. Sirius and James both thanked Lily and waited until she was sat before the three started eating. 

Everyone was about half-way done before Lily spoke up, “So.. I have news.” 

Sirius tilted his head towards her, “Ah so the mysterious garden truth will now be revealed?” 

“Garden truth? Reveal? Huh?” James whipped his head back and forth between Sirius and Lily, confusion evident in his face. 

Lily smiled at that, surprisingly gentle for the playful way Sirius asked it. A healthy blush returned to her cheeks and she started to intertwine her hands. Her behavior was almost.. _nervous._ Sirius almost laughed at the thought, Lily Potter, nervous? 

“This is the first time I'm telling either of you, actually. I figured since we're all a family it would be better to do it at the same time.” 

Sirius glanced over to James, seeing the same confusion mirrored on his face. Turning back to Lily as she continued, “I'm pregnant.” 

Silence followed the statement and she gave a nervous, unsure little smile to both of them, before turning to fully look at her husband. James' face was completely void of emotion like the words hadn't fully sunken in and processed through his brain. 

The next few seconds were filled with pure joy, James uncontrollably sobbing and Lily laughing at him. Sirius had never seen James look so thrilled, so happy. The prospect of having a baby Potter too much for James to handle, overwhelming happiness turning into tears. Sirius laughed and congratulated them both, content and warmth filling his chest. He couldn't help the smile breaking through his cheeks and they laughed until their sides hurt. The rest of the night was filled with James giving out hundreds of baby names which Lily all shot down. 

Of all the moments Sirius has had out of prison, this is the one he was most thankful to be here for. To see his best friend become a father, to feel their happiness running through the home they shared. He could feel the life and warmth and joy radiating out of each crevice, each wall, every floorboard. Moments like these are what made it worth it. 

*****

Following the high of Lily's baby reveal, was the low. The conversation Sirius could hear flitting down the hallway from the kitchen, Lily surprisingly being the more vocal of the two. 

“No, James! He's is my best friend, I'm telling him and he's visiting. End of story.” 

Sirius could hear her shout from the hallway he was currently skulking down. Eavesdropping typically.. wasn't his thing. He was more of a run-in-confront-the-person-think-later, type guy. Some situations just call for it though. 

“I'm not saying he can't, don't forget Remus is my friend too. It just might be a little soon with Sirius and him. I don't want them hurting each other again. Remus is finally happy.” 

The dull ache that resided in Sirius turned sharp at the last of what James said, Sirius' mind fixating on 'finally'. He could feel his head swim, brain turning to mush as he continued to listen to their conversation. He shouldn't be. 

“James.” Lily sighed out, “I'm worried about them as much as you are.. But they can't keep avoiding the problems they had together. They miss each other, I know they do. Have you seen the way Sirius looks when Remus is brought up? He's a damn kicked puppy!” 

Sirius couldn't help but wince at that. He figured he was doing a better job than he actually was when it came to Remus. Avoiding thinking about him at all times, probably wasn't the best solution. James' voice muffled off, quieting down to whispers he couldn't hear. He shuffled closer down the hall, minding each floorboard and praying they don't creak.

“.. about the Regulus thing either. How do you think that'll go over?” James whisper-shouted, 

Sirius only caught the end of his sentence, not having time to dwell over it before Lily replied, 

“Their adults, James. It's something they'll figure out _themselves._ Not us.” 

Sirius could hear the tightness in Lily's voice then, surprised James was even still pushing it with her. He didn't want this to escalate in a fight. He needed to stop listening in, this wasn't like him. Straightening out, he quickly walked down the hall pretending to have just come out of his room and pounced into the kitchen. 

“Goodmorninggg!” Sirius chirped, headed straight to the coffee pot only sparing them a glance. 

“Good morning to you, Sirius!” James singsonged back, coming to get what Sirius assumed was his second cup of coffee that morning. 

Lily was staring daggers into James back, her gaze as heated and fiery as her hair. She turned then, stopping to look at Sirius giving him a small smile before turning to get ready for work. She didn't say anything else to James that day. 

*****

“He'll be back in England for a while, a few weeks maybe? With Dora and Teddy, of course. But he'll be coming by to visit. Oh Lily, won't it be great to see him again! We can even invite Peter down, it'll be like when we were kids.” James rattled on, animatedly talking to Lily as Sirius listened from his spot on the kitchen stool. His mood was far too cheery for this topic, and Sirius could feel the dull ache seemingly ever-present in his chest. The unpleasant squirm in his stomach. The two acted as if this morning hadn't happened, cheerily going on about Remus' return to England. So much for the subtle approach. 

“Of course, it's a little weird to think, now that Remus has a kid.” Lily chimed in, not so subtlety side-eyeing Sirius. 

It was a test, Sirius assumed, Lily had always been like that. She wouldn't tolerate Sirius acting out like he used to before. Especially when it came to Remus. Sirius wouldn't do that either, not when they were kind enough to let him back in their lives. He gripped the mug in front of him tighter, the burn from the ceramic keeping him centered. After the months of staying here, he felt a little betrayed Lily would even have to test him like that. Then again, this is Remus. Remus hadn't been brought up while he was staying here.

The thought of Remus having an actual child was still something Sirius hadn't fully processed. Wouldn't let himself think about. The shock he felt from when Remus told him originally hadn't worn down. The fact that Remus was _married,_ hadn't even worn down. When Sirius was in prison, the fact that Remus would have built an entire life by himself, wasn't something he ever even imagined. He didn't imagine any of them would. The unfair, but now familiar pang of jealousy that ran through him made him shudder. The completely unjustified hurt he felt, that Remus moved on, that all of them did. Sirius felt sick with himself. It's like he could never fill his lungs, sputtering on each breath. 

“You'll get to see Remus again, that's great, right?” James suddenly asked, turning to him.

Sirius couldn't decipher the expression he wore, a strange mix of worry, and stress, and _pity._ His brows were furrowed, and his eyes held a sympathetic look. Sirius had to tear his gaze away, the look James wore burning into his mind. Sirius wasn't sure if he wanted to see Remus again. If he wanted to deal with all of the emotions that would come, with seeing Remus again. Things we're starting to finally feel normal, as normal as it could after he was released.

“Yeah.” Sirius choked out, “It is.” 

*****

Avoiding thinking about Remus and his return didn't work. Not thinking about Remus just made Sirius dream about Remus. Dreaming about Remus might have been worse than just thinking about him. Such was the case, as Sirius guzzled the water on his nightstand, fighting for breath as his lungs screamed at him for more air. Sweat dripping down his neck and back, while shivers overtake his body. He stopped drinking only to get more air, only then noticing the old taste of the water causing him to wince. 

He sat on his bed, still trying to regain his labored pants but phantom memories of his dream kept flashing in his mind's eye. 

Remus cold on the floor, foam at the mouth, pills still in hand. 

Sirius shook his head, digging the heel of his palms into his eyes to erase the images of a dead Remus. Flashes of him huddled on the floor came next, phantom voices of him screaming and crying. Blaming Sirius for this, for what he became. 

He shakes his head out again, trying to calm himself. He can taste the beginnings of bile rise in his throat and so he drinks more of the water.

Almost six years it had been since he'd last seen his face. A younger, teenage looking Remus was continuously burned in his memory. A freshman in college who read too much, and wore too many cardigans. The constant scent of tea and chocolate always surrounding him. Ink stains covering his hands, paper-cuts from reading so much etched on his fingers. 

The thought of a different Remus was foreign to Sirius. He wondered if he filled out, long lanky limbs now defined. His softer jaw and cheeks rounded out and sharpened with age. If his voice had deepened and was no longer honey-glass that cut through every word he said. Sirius groaned, muffling his face into his hand. This is what he was avoiding doing in the first place. Thinking about Remus was consuming and dangerous and he's _moved on_. 

Sirius doesn't know the current Remus. Not anymore. 

He tried not to dwell on that as he got out of bed, followed the everyday motions of his morning routine. Just as he finished brushing his teeth, James bursts in hair spewed every direction, coffee in a tall thermos. 

“Have meeting downtown- come on you stupid tie!” James cut himself off, stopping to muddle with his tie. Sirius just raised an eyebrow, waiting for him to continue, “Can drive you, it's on the- you fucker! Oh! The way, I can give you a ride.” He finally finished, still struggling with the tie that's threatening to strangle him. 

Sirius huffed a laugh at James' expense, rinsing off his hands and mouth. “Sure, that'd be great thanks.”

He poked his head out into the hallway, facing towards the kitchen, “Lily dear, your husband is having an affair with his tie. She's quite kinky, into strangling and all that.” 

James whined a long tone of Sirius' name before Lily came rushing down the hall, heels clicking down the wooden boards. Her hair was tied up in a tall bun a few pieces spewing around and framing her face, that was done up in makeup. Sirius did another look-over, just now noticing the fancy business dress. “Maybe she's the one going to have an affair?” Sirius grinned, looking over to James. 

“Very funny Sirius, your humor never fails to amaze me,” Lily replied, deadpan. She quickly swatted her husband's hands away from his tie, fixing it in one tug. 

“And yet you're not laughing? You wound me, Lily.” 

Her only reply was a smirk, as she hands her husband back over his coffee, patting down the rest of his suit. “You have a meeting today too, Lily?” James asks, sipping from the thermos as soon as it's handed back over. 

“More of a party. We're supposed to be celebrating the achievements of medical technology at the office, I rather not but.” She finishes with a shrug, then continues to pat down her own dress. 

“Regardless, you look beautiful my love.” James finishes, leaving a kiss on her cheek to enhance his point.

“Thank you, as do you. Weren't you already running late for your meeting though..?” Lily trails off, looking down at the silver watch secured around her wrist. 

James only gives a look of panic before sprinting down the hallway with a yell of Sirius on his tongue, stopping for two seconds to grab his blazer before slamming the door on his way out. Sirius goes behind him with a quick goodbye to Lily. Only when the two of them are driving down the freeway does Jame rid the look of panic. The ride _was_ peaceful before James starts on his questioning, 

“You look tired. Have you been sleeping?” 

Sirius rather not talk about the nights he's had of trying not to think about Remus, which makes him think more about Remus, which just makes him dream about Remus. If anything, Sirius would very much like to not talk or think about anything Remus related ever again. That's the biggest lie he's ever told himself, but the point still stands. Instead, Sirius just shrugs and gives a noncommittal hum.

“Sirius..” 

He groans. Sirius does not want to deal with James' 'it's time we have a conversation about our feelings' talk. 

“I've been sleeping fine, James. Just a little stressed is all.” 

“Because of Remus?” 

“Are we really going to talk about Remus right now?” 

“Do you want to?” 

“ _No_.” 

James is silent after that. The car ride continues in that silence until they pull into Louve Boisson's driveway, the parking lot hardly full this early in the day. Sirius was planning to keep it silent until he got inside but James, of course, has to say, 

“You're gonna have to face him you know. He'll be here in just a few weeks. You can't keep running, Sirius.” 

“I wasn't the one who ran.” 

Sirius shuts the car door. 

The atmosphere inside is blissfully alive and active, a complete contrast to James' cryptic words and the stuffy feeling Sirius rather not think about that was in the car. He doesn't want to think about anything James said in the car. He makes his way to the backroom, saying hello to the coworkers he recognizes before clocking in for the day. 

His favorite new coworker and coincidentally manager greets him with a warm smile and wave. 

“Sirius, hi there!” 

“Nel, my favorite person hereee!” He drags out, walking up towards her. 

Eleanor or Nel, as she always corrected, was the one who got him hired. She was open and honest, the most down to earth person you could find. Her smile widens as he approaches and her black eyes smile with a kind of mischief Sirius hasn't seen since his school days. Nel seemed all smiles and innocence from her appearance, but Sirius quickly discovered her true nature of sass and blunt attitude, with a particular penchant for throwing pranks. With her here, Sirius knew the day would go by quickly. 

“You see Rodney over there?” Nel quickly asks, pulling Sirius into a side hug and directing his attention to another waiter busking tables for the few customers about. 

Sirius nodded. Rodney was one of the more annoying coworkers they all had to deal with. Whiny, stuck-up, 'i'm better than everyone' attitude. They weren't a favorite of anyone's, to say the least. Sirius could already see where Nel was going with this. 

“Did you know, now I'm just going out on a branch here and gonna say you didn't,” She pauses for dramatic effect, looking over to Sirius with a grin that promises trouble, “That our poor, poor, Rodney over there has a terrible fear of spiders?” 

She removes her arms from Sirius' taking a couple of steps in the opposite direction towards the hostess stand. Sirius was about to ask what else, before she quickly swipes forward, dropping what appears to be a large tarantula upon Sirius' head. He jumps surprised, before realizing its just plastic. 

“Did you know I love Halloween? I happen to keep a couple of decorations around.” She grins, taking the plastic spider off his head. 

The workday was about to get a lot more entertaining for Sirius. 

*****

Without Nel around or the constant thrum of customers, Sirius was left alone with his thoughts on the train. There was only the screeching of wheels every so often against the track, or the thumping of another passenger walking from ahead to distract. Those distractions were few and in between. As much as Sirius didn't want to think about what James said in the car, his mind kept going back to it. 

Remus would be back in London.

Sirius had to see Remus again after six years of silence. Throughout Sirius's sentence, Remus sent three letters. Three letters in six years were what was left of their relationship. Of the love they shared. Not that he could blame Remus, after what happened, what went down. What he did. 

He could feel his throat tighten as phantom memories of their youth flashes through his mind. The announcement of his station pulls him from them, as he stands to unboard the train. Remus is still present in his mind on the walk home, Sirius thinks of ignoring it, pretending Remus is just a forgotten memory of his past. Someone he can grieve and let go of. But the fact remains, he's not. He'll be coming to visit with a wife and a child and Sirius needs to learn how to handle that. 

*****

Sirius didn't learn how to handle that. Not in time anyways and honestly he probably never would have. 

“His flight landed this morning, I told him it'd be fine to stay with us but he insists on staying in a hotel.” Lily rambles off, aggressively stirring the batter until it threatens to spill. 

“He probably didn't want to be a bother, you know that Lils. Especially with Teddy.” James replies, wounding behind his wife and settling his hands under her stomach. 

She isn't showing yet, but the baby is growing. James still throws out baby names on the daily just to be shot down, Lily truly is ruthless. Sirius tried not to let his thoughts dwell on the boy, _Teddy_. He can't help but wonder if he looks like a young Remus. 

“I know that! But he should know he isn't a bother, never! Especially in this house.” She huffs out, only stopping to shrug James off and pour the batter into a cake mold. 

James glances at him, it's a 'help me please' type glance. Sirius only hides a smile behind his sleeve, finding the bickering of the couple amusing. 

Lily lets out another huff of frustration, “Anyways. He'll be arriving in the afternoon. Dora and Teddy will come a little later, she's going to visit her mother first.” 

The idea of Remus coming today quickly sobers up Sirius and the smile slips off like it wasn't even there. He isn't sure what to feel. His feelings are a mess, but he can feel his head swimming and his stomach dropping. A cold feeling settling in his chest, sweat marring his palms and piling at his temple, his throat constricting. He's seeing Remus today. 

“He's coming just.. alone?” 

He hadn't realized he even asked it, snapping his mouth shut so quickly it makes a click. Lily stops and turns, putting down the bowl and giving a hard look to Sirius. It turns soft after a few moments, she doesn't say anything, neither does James. After it feels like her stare will become too much, Sirius turns, he puts his head down and stares at the table because right now that's better than looking at either of them. He can't read their gaze. He can only guess what both of them are thinking. 

After what feels like a long while Lily simply says, “Yes. He is.” 

She turns back and the sounds of her baking return and James stops acting like a statue, instead going to help her. He's washing the dishes after she's done using them, and the atmosphere isn't what it was. It doesn't feel suffocating and Sirius doesn't have the feeling in his throat like he'll choke on air but, it's different now. Words are unspoken and Sirius feels himself spiraling. The floor isn't moving but he still feels like he's falling. There's still oxygen in the world but his breaths won't come. He's not spinning in circles but his head is still dizzy. 

Sirius excuses himself before the bile rises in his throat any further. 

** *  **

Panic raced through Sirius the closer it got to noon. He couldn't focus on anything but the clock, watching and waiting and counting down the minutes until twelve. Everything seemed to go so much slower the longer Sirius watched, but he wasn't sure he wanted it to go any faster. He wasn't sure he ever wanted it to be noon. To even think of Remus was painful, no less to see him in person. 

Regardless if Sirius wanted noon to come or not, it did. Three clear knocks echoed throughout the house. Echoed right where Sirius was sitting in the living room, waiting and waiting and waiting. The familiar feeling of Sirius' prison cell came to him in those moments, waiting for freedom, waiting for Remus. Sirius wasn't sure there was a difference for him. 

He stood, legs jumping up from under him but he couldn't move forward. His body ached to open the door, to see him, to hear him but his mind was _screaming no._ He didn't have to make the choice. 

Lily was bounding out of the kitchen, a smudge of cake batter still on her cheek. The domestic look of it all made Sirius want to laugh because god here he was about to see the love of his life after six years and Lily Potter was running out of the kitchen with cake batter on her cheek, waiting to get the door. Sirius could feel the hysteria wanting to boil over, let laughter overtake him at the absurdity of it all. 

But then Lily gave him a look. He expects a warning, something hard and fierce to mar her expression because it's _Lily_ and that's what she does. It's not supposed to be soft and sympathetic, it doesn't suit her features but it shocks Sirius enough that it leaves him gaping at her. She mouths something or maybe she does says it, he doesn't understand, can't hear it. His brain won't work right now, because all he can focus on are her eyes and why they look like that. Why that look is directed _at_ him. 

He doesn't have time to try and figure it out, because she straightens out and now she's turning and her hand is reaching for the handle. Remus is behind that door and she's going to let him inside and Sirius is going to have to deal with everything he's been avoiding for years of his life. Sirius isn't ready. 

Sirius doesn't have a choice. 

He only briefly recognized a mess of auburn curls before they're being covered by Lily's red. Sirius' brain keeps up enough to realize their just hugging, which is why he can't see Remus' face. Lily's is filled with joy and she's squeezing tight, digging her nose into his cardigan. It makes Sirius wonder if it still smells like peppermint tea.

“Remus, I've missed you so! It's been so long! Too long.” Lily scolds, giving one last squeeze before releasing him. 

When she releases him, Sirius' eyes are immediately drawn to his face. Soft tawny curls that were more grown out then Sirius remembers, framed narrow amber eyes. His face had grown more defined, with sharper cheekbones and a stronger jawline, like Sirius suspected it might be. It still held the reminiscence of when he was younger, softer than most men's. 

His body had broadened out, his limbs weren't so awkwardly lanky, but long and straight, fitting the rest of him. A splatter of freckles adorned his tanned cheeks and it's something Sirius remembers very well. Tracing them to make constellations or patterns, different shapes. 

Adrenaline was still spiking through Sirius' body yet he felt as if he couldn't move. His throat felt like it was closing in, and he couldn't think of anything to say. His brain was mush because it was Remus, and he was here, finally, really here. Sirius is still staring at him, his eyes glued to his face. Legs locked in place, unable to move forward or back. 

Remus finally turns his eyes away from Lily's to his. 

He immediately stiffens and his face becomes guarded and it hurts so much more seeing it in person, then over the phone. These were the feelings Sirius didn't want to face. Sirius didn't want to hurt Remus anymore. Never again. 

He wants to say something; anything, but his brain isn't working, and he realizes he hasn't taken a breath in forever. He can feel his lungs burning and screaming and his throat is so hot but he can't seem to just breathe. He can feel his eyes starting to water, from wanting to cry or the lack of oxygen he isn't sure. 

“Hi, Sirius.” 

He can breathe suddenly. Sirius feels his lungs expand with the intake of oxygen and his throat starts to open but his eyes still feel so wet. He can't bring himself to care. 

His voice was still the same from what he remembered. He couldn't be sure with the phone-call, there was too much distortion and static and background noise from Remus' end. But it was the same. Honey like glass that will cut you with every word that's spoken, even just a simple hello. 

Sirius can feel where the glass is cutting into his chest the burning hot feeling of flesh being torn open and glass shards sticking inside the cut. Sirius would cherish the glass left behind because they're from Remus, pieces of him. 

It was said softly, but Remus' face was still so guarded, and Sirius hated it. He wants to scream at him and act selfishly, as a child, because that's who he's always been. Ask so many questions. _Why did you leave me all this time? How could you move on? Did I mean anything to you?_

But he doesn't. Because Sirius already knows the answers to those questions. He wishes he didn't. 

It takes a while to get the nerve to speak. To figure out how to move his tongue to form words and to let air flow through his throat and to his lungs, but the longer Remus stands there, the easier it gets. It still comes out like a whisper, 

“Hello, Remus.” 

A tense silence passes on, and Sirius just now recognizes James joined Lily in the living room. His thoughts are only momentary distracted by them before Remus speaks up again,

“Congrats on getting out and getting sober, I hadn't said it before.” 

Sirius nods because he doesn't know what to say to that. He chances glancing back up at Remus, and he's glad that his face has softened. The stressed expression isn't etched onto his features, and his eyes don't hold the same distrusting look. As if just being near Sirius is enough to cause such panic. It probably is.

“Remus!” James exclaims, breaking away from his wife. He wraps his arms around Remus and brings him into a tight hug and Sirius just stops to stare at the look on his best friend's face. He's really missed him. Sirius vaguely wonders how long Remus has been in the states and for why when he is so clearly missed here. 

Remus returns the embrace, giving a tight squeeze to James just as he did to Lilly. After they part, Remus goes back to Lily taking her hands into his and gushes of congratulations, asking about the due date, and it's then Sirius even remembers why Remus is here. Lily being pregnant. That hurts more then Sirius thought it would, and he wonders if Remus would have ever come to visit if she wasn't. Did he even want to see him? 

He's snapped from his spiral of depressive thoughts by James clapping him on the back, shaking him forward. He doesn't say anything, but he has the same look Lily did before she opened the door. 

Sirius _hates it._

*****

The entire day wasn't all awkward stares and uncomfortable silence. Remus' wife has yet to show up, but the four of them had been content themselves. After Lily showed off all her hard work to Remus with the cake and he thoroughly scolded her saying, 'This is your day, why would you bake the cake?' causing her to fume at James for not being able to make one; they moved on to games. 

Apparently, in the six years Sirius had been away Remus got really good at Uno. He's not even sure how you get good at a fairly luck-based game, but Remus is. Throwing down 4+ every turn, you'd think he rigged it. If Sirius didn't know Remus any better he would have accused him of that. But Remus didn't get any satisfaction out of cheating, James didn't seem to think so though.

Again he went off on a melodramatic tangent about cheating and Remus couldn't help but tease him for it. It was very easy for Sirius to see why he fell in love with him again. 

“Remusss! This isn't fair! You can't lay down two plus fours in a row and then a draw two! It just isn't possible.” James whined, crossing his arms. Sirius almost expected him to stomp his foot to further prove his argument. 

Remus grinned, cheshire like and full of mischief, “It's very fair James, we're playing cutthroat. Those are just the rules, I'm afraid. Now if you wouldn't mind.. another draw two.” He said, placing down another red 2+ card. 

James gasped dramatically, although Sirius was sure he wasn't even putting on an act at this point. James truly was just this melodramatic. He pouted, sulking the rest of the game at Remus' assured victory with only two cards left. 

After Remus did win the game, James insisted there be no more Uno playing for the rest of the day. 

Lily laughed at her husband's childish ways, “Alright, no more Uno! Since you're such a sore loser about it.” She stuck out her tongue at him when he tried to argue back. “Nope! Zip! Don't wanna hear it. Now help your wife in the kitchen with the dishes.” 

“Fine. Lose at Uno and help with the dishes? Oh, the horror!” James grumbled off, collecting the cake plates from the table.

Sirius, now with his brain processing he had to be _alone_ with Remus, quickly spluttered out, “Oh I'll help!” 

James only raised one eyebrow, continuing collecting the plates, “You hate doing dishes.” 

Sirius, hoping James would get the hint, slammed his palm into his face. He loved his best friend, but gods if he wasn't thick sometimes. James made a small 'o' shape with his mouth before giving a small wince and scurrying out and into the kitchen. Sirius made to stand and make his quick exit, stopped as Remus spoke up, 

“Stay?” 

“..Okay.” 

Stiffly, Sirius made his way over to the couch where Remus had sat, being careful not to sit too close. It didn't matter anyway. In the small, cozy living room of the Potters House, Sirius' senses were still invaded by Remus. The familiar smell of peppermint tea and chocolate overcame him, and it just hurt. Because it was _Remus,_ and memories of staying in bed until the sun came up, wrapped in blanks, and exchanging kisses were all Sirius could think of. His chest hurt, and his head hurt, and everything about Remus hurt.

“I'm sorry-” Sirius spewed out and it was whispered and broken, just like on their phone call. But he had to say it. Regret was eating him alive, and guilt, and fear, because Remus was here, and he needed to know the depth of anguish and guilt that ran through him all these years. Sirius doesn't think he could ever apologize enough, 

“I'm so sorry, Remus. I never meant for us to get like this- But you,” He broke off, words not coming to him. Remus waited stiff and cold like stone. 

“I want you in my life again and you're still so unbelievably important to me. I've missed you more than you know.” Sirius' voice was grating on desperation, and that's exactly what it was. Sirius was desperate to have Remus back. Even if he had to work through the hurt. Remus was that important. “I still love-” 

“Don't.” Remus interrupted. His voice came out weak, and Sirius noticed the carefully constructed mask slipping. Panic and fear were starting to spread across his features, and the guilt came crawling back up Sirius' skin. He wanted to scratch at it and pull it apart because nothing went right from the moment Remus walked in the door. This isn't how it's supposed to be. This isn't how their supposed to be.

The beat of silence that passed over them didn't last long, the squealing of a child broke both of them from their staring. A bundling child running straight towards Remus, the cheering screams of daddy, coming from the youthful voice. 

All of reality came crashing down around Sirius. The warm atmosphere where Sirius pretended the four of them we're normal vanishing. Before everything happened. Before Remus hated him. 

The child bounded up to Remus lap, and a young woman with bright pink hair came following in, shutting the door behind her. The feeling of the world crashing felt very literal to Sirius at that moment. He couldn't speak, the lump in his throat returning, making it impossible to so much as swallow. He couldn't breathe again, and his lungs felt too tight and his head was too heavy. This wasn't just about them now. The word _child_ and _wife_ weren't just faceless people to envy. They were real people, who were in Remus' life, who he _loved_. The sick twisting feeling in his stomach was back, sick threatening to spew past his lips. Of course, Remus had to marry his cousin of all people, he couldn't hurt Dora anymore then he could hurt Remus. Remus didn't just marry some girl, it was Nymphadora of all people. 

Just for a moment, Sirius let the selfish, greedy thought creep into his mind. 

He should leave his lover. 


	2. Moral Of The Story

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes im using song titles as my chapters names, sue me. 
> 
> TW: heavy panic attacks in this chapter!! mental health is also discussed pls be careful

Nymphadora shut the door behind her, only noticing Sirius and Remus on the couch with the new addition of Teddy running in. Remus quickly looks up at her, guilt plastered all over his face. Not for the first time she wonders if this was such a good idea. Dora smiles at him reassuringly, before turning to see Sirius. 

“Hi Sirius. It's been a while, how are you doing?” 

He looks shocked she asked, whipping his head away from her son and husband. She can't read his face, too many emotions passing through. Hurt. Confusion. Shock. He can't decide on one and stares like a gaping fish at her for a few seconds. Sirius psychically shakes his head as if to rid himself of the thoughts, before standing and approaching her. Dora quickly goes in for a hug, finding comfort in Sirius' arms after all this time. 

She feels him stroking her hair and she lets herself revel in the feeling of seeing family after so long. Dora squeezes tight, trying to memorize the feeling of having Sirius back and free again. He breaks away after a while, “I'm better. Really, better this time.” 

She's heard those same words so many times when she was younger, but of all the times, she wants to believe them the most now. Dora takes a moment to look him over, her image of him changed from the young teen Sirius she knew before. 

His hair had grown out finally hitting his shoulders and his cheeks were sharp, jaw carved out. He didn't have the same sickly look he did when he was younger, the ever-seeming bags no longer resided under his eyes. She couldn't see bones sticking out from his arms or collarbones, not feeling the same sharp jabs of ribs when she hugged him. His skin wasn't pale and chipping away from the inside anymore. 

She believed him. 

“Since you're better, I want you to meet our son.” 

Dora waved her hand at Teddy, but their stubborn child refused to budge from Remus' lap. He had been fussy separated from his father the entire time they've been here. Not that Dora could blame Teddy much, having a jet-lagged toddler who hasn't had their nap time isn't the best combination. 

“Come on now, both of you if you must.” She huffed out, a slight laugh following. 

Remus still had the guilty look plastered all over his face, but a smile shone through the longer he looked at his son. He whispered something to Teddy which only made the toddler shake his head no harder, which Remus gave a long sigh to. Remus plopped their son down on the floor, hand in hand, and practically dragged him over to Sirius. 

Dora quickly picked Teddy up, adjusting him on her hip so he was somewhat eye-level with him. Teddy kept trying to hide his face into his mother's shirt, squirming the entire time he was picked up. 

“He's rather grumpy, jet-lag and no nap will do that to a toddler.” Nymphadora sighed out, still adjusting Teddy on her hip. 

“It'll do that to anyone,” Sirius mused, “Hello Teddy.” 

At the sound of his name, the toddler finally looked up at Sirius. He stopped squirming for the moment, only to start sucking his thumb. Teddy was giving a very distrusting look at Sirius, and Dora was worried he was going to start crying just looking at him. She wondered if it was the tattoos Sirius had, Teddy may have found him scary. They continued to have a bit of stare off, Sirius just studying Teddy and Teddy in return being wary of Sirius. 

Finally, Teddy mumbled out, “Hi.” 

Sirius couldn't help but let out a surprised laugh, “You look just like your dad.” 

Now that was something Dora didn't like. She _really_ didn't like the look Sirius had saying that. She was hoping Sirius wasn't still attached to Remus like he was in their youth, after all this time. That scared her. She turned away from the expression on his face, that she couldn't care to decipher right now. Dora didn't want to think about it. Thankfully, she didn't have to dwell on those thoughts or the strange relationship between the three of them, Lily and James coming in. 

“Dora, Teddy!” Lily cheered bustling over to the two of them. “Oh look at how big you're getting!” 

“I four now Aunt Lily!” 

She gave them both a big hug and kissed Teddy on the cheek. The next few moments were just getting settled in, congratulating Lily and James on their baby, having _normal_ conversation that did not relate to Sirius and Remus and their relationship in any way or form. This was fine. Everything was going to be fine. It would be a great trip. 

** *  **

“Teddy is settled down now, fast asleep.” 

“Thank you, love,” Dora said, placing a kiss upon Remus' cheek in appreciation. 

Remus tried not to stiffen at the kiss, but he knew Sirius was still in the room and he _knew_ Sirius was still staring at him. Assuming the look Dora gave him, he stiffened anyways at the psychical contact. He ducked his head down, avoiding her eyes. It's not as if he minded the public affection, but it was still fragile with Sirius. There was too much unsaid and Remus didn't know what was okay with him and what wasn't. He didn't know how to act, what to say, who to be in front of him. 

Guilt was still crawling up and down his skin. Guilty for what? That he was hurting Sirius? That he was hurting Dora? 

Remus still felt sick from when he first walked in. Despite having emptied his stomach from anxiety multiple times, he felt acid still rise and fall throughout the day. He swore the room kept spinning yet everything still stayed in its place. His mind was a swirling mess of anxiety and every thought that tried to form got swirled into the whirlpool of guilt and worry.

Dora took his hand, leading them back to the couch with the others. Remus could hardly follow the conversation that was happening Lily, James, and Dora mainly leading it. He only snapped into the conversation when Sirius spoke, after not hearing his voice for so long he was magnetized to it. Sirius' participation in the conversation was few and in-between, but Remus could feel the holes being stared into the side of his head. He didn't dare look back. 

“..staying in England? .. Remus? Remus?” 

“What?” Remus gasped out, lungs not functioning enough to form proper speech. 

His hand was sweaty where Dora was holding it and it felt too hot like her skin was searing him. The room was too stuffy, the oxygen too thin. The swirling whirlpool of anxiety was still in his stomach, turning everything upside down. Remus felt like he was choking on air. His brain only vaguely remembered he was supposed to be having a conversation with Lily. Concern and worry were etched on her features, she was speaking but he couldn't hear the words. Everything he heard was a blaring ringing and his vision was getting fuzzy, he could only focus on the way Lily kept mouthing something but words wouldn't come out. He could feel himself panting, his lungs searing and screaming for air, but oxygen just wouldn't come. 

“Remus!” 

Sirius. That was Sirius, he could clearly hear. 

His vision slowly stopped fuzzing and the ringing subsided slightly. His head was still pounding but the room wasn't spinning like it was moments ago. Breathing was still hard but his lungs weren't the burning fire he had felt before, pants coming steadily. He couldn't feel Dora's hand anymore. He couldn't feel anything around him, but he could still see Sirius. 

His face was tight and his eyebrows were screwed down, lips pulled into a deep frown. Remus wanted to laugh at how stupid he looked or maybe he wanted to laugh because, despite the ridiculous expression, Sirius was still beautiful. Sirius turned away, his eyes searching someone else,

“Lily, is he okay? What's happening?” 

Who? Remus wanted to voice this question but his tongue still wouldn't work. Breaths not coming in deep enough to form proper speech. Lily was invading his vision next, blocking Sirius from view and Remus never realized how _red_ her hair was. Like fire cascading down her shoulders and her back, he wondered if it ever burned her. 

He had to focus on what she was saying, her words still hard to hear, 

“...be fine, Dora is he still on his medication?” 

Everything still seemed to be in slow motion, but his brain was finally able to piece together this was about him. 

“I don't know.. I've been so occupied with Teddy it wasn't..” 

Remus can finally feel his breaths start to even out and the pounding in his head starts to subside, so he focuses on bringing air into his lungs.

“Remus? You with us again?” Lily asks her concerned face still right in front of him.

Remus can feel his face flush from embarrassment or maybe its the lack of oxygen he was dealing with previously. He coughs and immediately regrets it, lungs still screaming in protest with the lack of air they just got. 

“Yeah.. sorry, I'm good.” 

“Are you still taking your medication? Have you stopped going to therapy?” Lily asks again, subtlety nowhere to be seen. Her tone while worried is full of accusations and disapproval. 

That was something Remus would have rather left out when seeing Sirius again. He chances a look at Sirius and immediately regrets it. He's looking at him with the very famous 'kicked puppy eyes' guilt and confusion evident in his expression. Sirius shouldn't have to feel guilty. Instead of answering and bringing further questions to the topic, Remus stands. He's still slightly dizzy and he worries his legs wouldn't support the weight, but they do. He steadies before saying,

“I'm good, I'm just going to get some air.” 

Dora makes to stand but Remus subtly shakes his head. He would rather not deal with confrontation on both ends, especially from his wife. She looks likes she's going to argue for a second, sharp words on the tip of her tongue before she thinks better of it. She nods and turns back to James, picking up on a conversation they must have left off on, Remus only catches something about toothpaste flavored skittles before he's out in the yard. He can feel the pair of eyes still drilling holes into the back of his head.

He half-expects Sirius to follow him out. He doesn't. 

*****

The rest of the visit that day was thankfully far less dramatic. After Remus's panic attack, Teddy wakes up and wants to play in the yard for a while. It's warm enough now in the beginning of summer that the party decided to eat outside. 

Lily ends up making a delicious stake covered in garlic with roasted vegetables on the side and a pasta salad. Dora and James swoon over her cooking the entire night and Teddy discovers he loves the taste of bell pepper. The evening and dinner weren't without bumps, but it wasn't the dramatic affair when Remus first saw Sirius. 

They avoid each other most of the night, Remus staying respectfully with his wife and son. Sirius stays more to the side, only engaging in conversation when directly spoken to. Remus and him don't talk again that night. 

“We're going to have a barbecue with the others soon too before you three leave?” James pipes up, shuffling the deck of cards again.

Remus hums noncommittally, hoping to discuss it with Dora later. Of course, she has other plans. She grabs the stack of cards James hands her, observing her playing deck with a grin. “Course! Who is included with all the others? Like everyone, everyone?” 

Lily picks up her own cards, a scowl quickly overtaking her features when she sees what she was dealt with, “Mhm, Peter and Melody, Dorcas, Marlene, Alice, Frank, old school friends. A few you haven't met before too.” 

“We didn't buy round-flight tickets so we don't have a set day to leave, so whenever honestly. Teddy's on summer break too, so it isn't a problem.” Dora replies easily while throwing down another card and stealing one of James. 

James is too distracted by what she said to even notice the card, jumping up higher in his seat, “So you're staying the whole summer?” 

Remus puts down his own card, still rearranging some in his hand, “Nothing has been decided yet.” 

Dora just gives an innocent smile, throwing down the rest of her cards until she has none left in her hand, “Yet.” She repeats with a teasing tilt. “Besides, we were planning to stay for Dorcas and Marlene's wedding, so we won't have to fly back up for it.” 

Lily goes out next, putting down the rest of her hand, “That's mid-august, isn't it?” 

Remus gives a long sigh of warning, “Dora..” 

She gives him a sheepish look, blinking up at him innocently before turning back to Lily and teasing, “We miss England and our friends, why, we can't stay?” 

“If you miss it, why go back? Why are you in the states anyway?” Sirius asks, diverting their attention to him. 

Remus can feel Nymphdora giving him a look and he diverts his attention back to his cards. He will fully ignore and definitely _not_ answer that question. Telling Sirius he left England so the memories of them wouldn't plague him everyday would surely go over well. Remus almost wanted to laugh at the irony of it but instead, Dora replied again,

“We just wanted a change of pace. New scenery you know?” 

It technically wasn't a lie. The atmosphere at the table shifted slightly, discomfort evident on both James and Lily's faces. She quickly diverts the topic, 

“Anyways, dessert anyone? I have ice cream.” 

Teddy is delighted by the idea. 

** *  **

It was three mind-numbing and awkward visits later at the Potters House before Sirius and Remus we're shoved in a room together. Lily, James, and Dora all thoroughly discussed the possibilities of rushing them into their friendship again, but couldn't take another day of awkward silence and walking on eggshells. 

Dora, surprisingly, was the one who pushed it, “They can't stay like this forever. Clearly, Sirius is back in our lives, and it's my intention that he'll be staying in it.” 

“Its mine too, Dora! I want to trust Sirius, I do. He's my best friend but you know better than anyone how Remus was when he left. You know what that did to him.” James argued back. 

“That was when they were together. The situation is completely different. Trust me, I know Remus wants Sirius back in his life. My husband is capable of forgiveness.” Dora lets out a strangled sigh before continuing, “I can only do so much for him.” 

Lily, ever the peace-keeper, interrupts “I understand where you're coming from James, but I agree with Dora, the situation is different now. They obviously want to be friends again, they just need a little push. We need to trust Sirius, he isn't going to hurt him again.” 

“We shouldn't be making decisions for them, Lily. You're right, so much is different now, that's the problem. We aren't them and we don't know what their thinking. You saw how Remus was just a few days ago. If this fails this is on both of your hands. _Don't hurt them.”_

That was the last he said before he stalked out of the room, arms crossed. James wasn't one to get even a little upset at his wife, so much as angry. But this is Sirius and Remus, Lily knows their the most important people to James. She muses over what he said, second-guessing her thoughts on this plan. She was about to back James' statement before Dora spoke up again, 

“Don't you dare. We're going through with it, Lily.” 

“And what if it works too well? They have a past, Nymphadora. One I'm not sure either are over, you said it yourself. You know Remus better than anyone.” 

Lily got a glare for the use of her full name, but honestly, a nickname just didn't seem appropriate considering the subject. Lily watched her sigh and close her eyes, her face tight. Lily suddenly felt very foolish for even doubting Dora didn't fully think through what she wanted. 

“I want my husband to be happy, Lily. I just want him to be happy. I know Sirius can make that happen.” 

They went through with the plan. 

** *  **

Had Remus known of this so-called 'plan' the two put together, he would have strongly objected. Not that it was even a plan, more of a prank that was reminiscent of Remus' school days. Remus would have thought Lily to come up with a more creative idea then shoving two people in a room together. 

But by the time Dora dragged Remus into the 'guest bedroom' also know as 'Sirius bedroom' and got mysteriously 'called away' and the door somehow got 'locked', it was too late for the both of them.

“James! Lily! The door is locked, we can't get out!” Sirius yelled, 

Even if they could hear us, doubtfully anything they said would have them released. Remus could feel a headache building and had to resist the urge to sigh, “Just forget it, they'll let us out eventually.” 

Sirius didn't reply and just sulked over to his bed where he eventually plopped down, sitting with his legs crossed. Eventually, he asked, “This is a trap, right?” 

“You think?” Remus replied, sarcasm dripping from his voice. 

Sirius was the one to sigh this time, rubbing at his eyes with the heel of his palms. Remus wasn't as panicky as he had been previously, the world didn't feel like it was falling apart every time he was with Sirius. It was just a cold de-realization anytime he saw or heard him speak. Remus felt very detached from everyone and everything. Nothing had been even close to solved between them yet. He wasn't sure he wanted it to be. Despite that, he couldn't help but ask,

“Are you actually clean this time?” 

The question wasn't asked with the previous snark or sarcasm Remus was projecting. He could feel his shoulders sink and the wall he put up crumble. He was tired of pretending with Sirius. The facade he put up around him was exhausting. 

“Fully. Not even drinking anymore.” 

Remus didn't ask anything else, he wasn't sure if that was the answer he wanted. He didn't know what he wanted from Sirius anymore. Everything was always so complicated with them. 

“I have a job now too. It's at this pretty french restaurant, always smells like vanilla in there, you'd like it... I think. I got approved for this apartment downtown too, it has a pretty balcony, it overlooks this little park. Took me forever to rebuild my credit though, you know?” Sirius coughed awkwardly, but continued, “I haven't told James and Lily about it yet, but it's not like I was planning to stay with them forever. Especially now with the baby on the way..” 

Remus didn't know what to say to all of that so he just nodded. Awkward small talk after all these years was uncomfortable for both of them. Sirius having his life together was foreign to both of them, but Remus was happy to see Sirius living.. happily, he supposed. He hoped Sirius was happy. 

“Can I trust you now, Sirius?” 

He hadn't meant to say that, but the thought was there and his mouth was moving before he could fully think about it. Remus knew he didn't deserve to be back in Sirius' life, not after moving on like he did. It was dangerous for both of them and Remus _knew that._ The safe comfortable detachment Remus had been developing was leaving and he could feel his chest burn like knives cutting through ice.

“I want you to.” 

The ice was cracking regardless of Remus' attempt to keep it intact. 

“Gods know I don't deserve it, but I want you to.” 

“That didn't answer the question.” 

“You can trust me.” 

He didn't know what to say to that, words getting caught in his throat, knives still cutting through his chest. Remus hadn't allowed himself to feel anything about Sirius since the phone-call in winter and he wasn't sure he was ready to go through it again. Being with Sirius has always been so painful, but Remus could never get himself to stop.

“I promise I won't push anything like I did last time-- I.. just want to be in your life again. And Teddy's and Dora's, if you'll let me.” 

Remus only vaguely heard Sirius move from the bed, the comforter shifting, and the mattress creaking before he had a face full of Sirius. He hadn't noticed until now but Sirius was taller than him, even after all these years. His face was blurry and swimming in and out of view, black curls brushing against his face. 

“I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, please don't cry anymore Rem. Not anymore, please.” 

He could feel the callouses on Sirius's hands, his thumbs stroking up and down Remus' cheeks, wiping away the latter's tears. It was then Remus realized why Sirius' image was so blurry, tears still filling in his eyes. Remus did not want to cry right now but the ice was still melting and overflowing in any way it could. He couldn't figure out how to express what he felt towards Sirius, overwhelmed, and coming out in tears. Embarrassment was flushing his face and he hated it. Crying in front of your first love at the age of twenty-four was not the best way to handle their situation. As if there was a good way to handle their situation.

Despite the logical half of Remus' brain, the only thing he could do was gasp for breath and let the tears fall. He hadn't let himself think of Sirius for so long and now being in front of him was too much. Hearing his voice and seeing his face, feeling his touch after so long. Remus slowly let himself cling to Sirius, tentatively bringing a hand to return the others embrace. He hadn't realized he was shaking so badly until hugging Sirius grounded him. Tremors slowly started subsiding throughout his body as he clung to Sirius, hands balled into the other's shirt. Remus covered his face in Sirius' shoulder and the familiar scent of wood and leather came rushing back, making more tears fall. All the emotions Remus couldn't face came rushing out escaping through tears and sobs. 

When Remus could get his mouth to form words not interrupted by more cries he finally muttered out, “Don't make me regret it. Please.” 

“I won't.” 

** *  **

Remus tried very hard to not look like he spent the last thirty minutes crying when Sirius and him eventually got let out. As much as Remus hated it, he supposed their joke of a plan worked... kind of. Remus still wasn't sure how to feel, sure Sirius promised he could trust him again but could Remus say the same? Would Remus not hurt him? Would Sirius really be okay seeing him and Dora and Teddy? 

Remus wasn't sure he was even okay with it. 

“Daddy? Can I play with this?” 

Teddy pulling Remus out of his internal downward spiral helped. He looked towards his son noticing him waving a large purple doll with a missing head. 

“Where did you find that?” 

“In the like, the dirt thing over there.” 

Remus turned to see where Teddy had pointed only to find a section of Lily's garden. He cringed hoping Teddy didn't tear it up too much, or so help them and Lily Potters wrath when it comes to her plants. He crouched down towards Teddy holding out his hand to inspect the doll, which the toddler gave easily. 

It really was just a purple Barbie doll with a missing head, harmless enough aside from it being covered in dirt. Remus contemplated washing it off but figured Teddy would just shove it right back into the dirt to play. “Sure, you can play with it. Don't put it in your mouth though.” 

“Okay, Daddy!” 

Remus walked back to the sun-chair he was previously sitting in, continuing to watch over Teddy as he played outside. It was going to get dark soon, so the three of them were planning on leaving after having dinner again. James bounded over, plopping into the chair beside Remus. His glasses were skewed and he had a smudge of lipstick on his cheek, assumingly from Lily. Remus threw him a grin the second he noticed it, “So you two made up then?” 

“Was it that obvious we were fighting?” James asked, straightening his glasses, and patting down his hair. 

“James, throughout school you had this fore-longing look for Lily, its your Lily Look. You've had it all day. Whad'ya do?” Remus asked, amusement evident in James' suffering. 

He couldn't help a small laugh at James' expense when the latter touched his face as if to rid the dreaded Lily Look. 

“I was against the 'Have Remus And Sirius Make-Up Plan', it was not the popular choice let me tell you.” 

“As if you could really call that a plan.” 

“Ahh, of course, you knew from the start.” James sighed, running a hand through his hair again and pulling at a few of the strands. 

“It's not as if Dora was being very subtle about it.” 

“Are you mad?” 

Remus took a minute to think of his response. He wasn't mad at James no, especially since he was against the idea to begin with. But being pushed by your wife to become friends with your ex? Then again that ex is her cousin. Remus isn't mad, no, but he doesn't know how he feels about Sirius, much less how to think about Dora pushing him towards that unknown.

“I'm not mad.” 

“Then you and Sirius are..?” James leaves it open-ended, prompting. 

“I don't know.” 

James doesn't say anything after that and neither does Remus. He doesn't want to think about it, not now. Not after what just happened with them. He hasn't had time to fully process it yet. Instead, James says, 

“Teddy look like you more and more each day. I can't believe how fast he's growing..” 

“I know, it feels like yesterday he was taking his first steps. How are you with that? Future daddy Prongs!” 

“Oh gods, I haven't heard that nickname since our school days, and please _never_ call me daddy again.”

“I think it's time they are put back to use, especially with Peter coming over soon.” 

“The Marauders will be united once more. “ 

“Now _that's_ something I haven't heard since our school days.” 

“I'm excited, Remus.” 

He looked it too. There was a shine in James' eyes Remus hadn't seen since he married Lily. A child to be for the Potters. His smile was bright and he was truly filled with glee at the prospect of his new child. Remus didn't have that choice with Dora. Not that he would take it back for anything, Teddy was his pride and joy, he loved his son more than anything. He just wished they would have gone about it differently. They were young and scared, inexperienced, unplanned. Remus regrets not being there for Dora more back then. 

“You're gonna be a great dad.” 

“Course' our child is going to be the most spoiled thing there is!” 

“And Lily will be the responsible parent, I hope.” 

“Remus?” 

“Yeah?” 

“I'm glad you're back. I've missed you.” 

“Me too, James. Me too.” 

** *  **

“You can't tell me the drive wasn't worth it!” Dora shouts, practically sprinting out of the car and towards the beach. 

Remus follows a bit slower behind, grabbing both their bags in one hand and holding Teddy's in the other. The drive was worth it, as his wife suggested. The large expanse of shining blue water reflected the beams of the sun off it, making it seems much larger than it probably was. It was Lily who suggested they come to this lake, it was known for being fairly quiet with a large beach leading into the water. Nymphadora was of course on board with the idea, excitable for the change of pace, as was Teddy. 

Dora comes back a short while after getting her feet in the sand, taking some of the bags from Remus and helping unload. They picked a half shady, half sunny spot to set up for the day. It was still on the beach and close to the water but had just enough room that they were up and out of the way of other guests. Dora was probably more excited than their toddler, practically vibrating with energy to jump in the water. Remus couldn't help but laugh at her childlike nature. 

“Go, I'll finish setting up and watch Teddy. If you wait any longer I fear you'll explode.” 

“Oh, you are too good to me, Remus dear. The best husband I could ever ask for!” She cheered, planting a kiss on his lips before rushing down into the water. 

He quickly did as he said he would, setting out their towels on the sand and setting down a little umbrella for Teddy to sit under when he wanted. The toddler was almost as excited as his mother, except it was for the toys he was promised. Before the couple came they stopped to get Teddy some sand toys for the day.

Now that Teddy was set with his shovel and pail in tow, he was pleading to get to the sand and play. Remus only made him sit still a while longer to put sunscreen on, then he was running as fast as his little toddler legs could take him towards the wet sand. Just as Remus was about to get Dora out of the water to put her own sunscreen on, a head of black curls caught his attention. The trio of James, Sirius, and Lily really did standout. Maybe just the oddity of seeing them all together, was what made them stand out so much to Remus. Sirius was always easy to spot for him. Black tattoos stood out so vibrantly against near-white skin. He could always find Sirius in a crowd, whether that was because he truly was that easy to spot or Remus' eyes we're always looking for him, was questionable.

Remus waved and caught Lily's attention right away, causing the trio to bound over to where Remus and Teddy were peacefully sitting.

“We made it!” James said, dumping his own bag atop the growing pile.

He was all smiles today, Lily's hand intertwined with his. Remus couldn't help but smile back, the happiness seemingly contagious. 

“Where's Dora?” Lily asks, settling herself down next to Remus after waving hello to Teddy.

“In the water, of course. You know her.” 

Lily only grinned at that, looking out into the water to spot Dora's signature brightly colored hair. She had changed it to blue now, so it was a little harder to spot with it blending into the water. Remus could still see her though, she had gotten one of those circle rafts and was titled upwards, face towards the sky soaking up the sun. She looked so content, it filled Remus up with a warmth that had nothing to do with the heat of the day. 

“She's in the pink doughnut, right there.” He pointed out to Lily. 

She smiled in return, bouncing up and running towards the water herself. She only gave a quick wave to James before swimming over to Dora. Before turning away, Remus saw Lily make a deadly sneak attack to tip Dora over. 

“Moony, Pads, my boys!” James exclaimed joyously, taking Lily's seat beside Remus. 

“Moony? Pads? I wasn't aware we were back at school.” Sirius teased back, taking the other seat beside Remus; careful of the space between them. 

“Well, Remus was the one who brought them back up, last time he was over. It was time for a revival!” He sighed wistfully, “It's been too long since the Marauders we're all together!”

“We aren't all together.” Remus couldn't help but point out, 

“Oh where out thou Pete!” James cried, 

“With Melody, probably. Their coming to the barbecue, yes?” asks Remus. 

“Melody, that's the girlfriend, right? What's she actually like?” 

Remus was surprised Sirius would even ask, much less care what Peter's girlfriend was like. Regardless, he answered, “She's sweet, I guess. She seems a little..” 

“Aggressive?” James finishes, 

“I was going to say feisty, but yes she's aggressive.” 

“I wouldn't have imagined Pete going with someone like that honestly. Figured he'd go for more, you know,” Sirius waves his hand around in a vague gesture, “meek and friendly.” 

James snorts at that and Remus can't help but let out a laugh as well. Imagining Melody as anything but the blunt and straight-forward person she was is a comical image, much less a meek and friendly girl. 

“Ah the taste of men have is truly surprising,” James muses allowed, “but to answer your question, yes! The Marauders will truly then be united once more.”

“It'll be for the first time in a while and the last in a while, I assume,” Remus replies, 

“Why would you think that?” Sirius defends. 

Remus whips around to Sirius confused before realizing how it must have sounded. He can feel his eyebrows nit together and a frown tug at his mouth in guilt. It doesn't ease with the look on Sirius's face of betrayal. Remus shakes his head, “I meant with James' baby on the way, nothing else.” 

Sirius's posture and face relax and he offers a small smile which Remus gladly returns. Their returning friendship is still fragile but.. it's getting there.

“Well, I'm not you Moons. I won't just leave the country and stop talking to everyone once I have a kid.” James teases, tongue sticking out after.

Remus knows it was a joke, but the truth of it still stings a bit, especially considering James knows that wasn't the reason Remus left. He seems to have realized his mistake only moments later and gave a small frown in apology. Remus just shook his head and offered another smile, “We'll seeee,” He drags out, “Kids can be little nightmares as you'll learn.” 

James only fake shivers while looking at Teddy in reply. 

Remus couldn't help but laugh at that and James joined in only seconds later. The three talked a bit more after that, the conversation between them light. James and Sirius both still had work and had some interesting stories to share. The stories involving Sirius' coworker Nel we're especially entertaining. It wasn't long before Sirius and Remus were abandoned by James for him to swoon after his wife. 

They sat in silence for a while, both just staring out at the lake or watching Teddy go back and forth from the sand and the very shore of the water. Remus wasn't even aware Sirius had been watching his son until he brought it up, 

“He really does look a lot like you, same eyes.” 

Remus hummed in reply, “Everyone seems to say that. I think he looks more like Dora.” 

He only turned to look back at Sirius because he could feel the staring. He watched as Sirius' eyes flitted through his face going back and forth. It made Remus feel strangely self-conscious, causing his face to flush with embarrassment. 

“He has her nose. Yours is more rounded, button-like.” 

Remus let out a surprised laugh, slightly strangled, “Is that why you were looking at me so intently?” 

Sirius didn't answer for a while. It was so long Remus wasn't sure he was going to but finally, “..No.”

Remus didn't push it, he wasn't sure he wanted to know what that meant. He didn't have to think too on it as Sirius asked, 

“When did Dora have him... He's four now right?” 

Remus wondered if there was a hidden question in that _'how long was I gone when you got together'._

Regardless Remus nodded, “Yeah he turned four not long ago. He wasn't.. planned. We were surprised with him on our second month.” 

“Second month?” Sirius repeated, 

“We had only been together two months I mean. We started dating two years after you got locked up.” 

Sirius didn't ask any more questions after that. 

** *  **

“Look at you, you're completely roasted, Dora!” Remus scolded, tapping her on the nose in warning. 

She just stuck her tongue out at him, wrapped in her towel by his side. “It was worth it! The water is so fun, Remus.” 

“I know, but I remembered to but protection on. I should have reminded you more.” He sighed, shaking his head at her. 

She simply snuggled up closer to his side, ignoring the scoldings completely. Teddy had passed out earlier that day, still soundly sleeping under his umbrella curled up in his own towel. It was hardly sunny anymore, the sun had already set and the light was quickly drowning out in the horizon. The group was all onshore, most other guests had left beside one or two other families. It was quiet on the beach without the squealing of children and the chatter of other families. 

“We should start packing up then?” Lily proposed, looking out at the dying sunlight. 

“Noooo!” Dora and James whined in almost perfect unison. They shared a look and Remus already knew where this would be going. 

“We should stay for dinner! Build a campfire!” James suggested, pointing towards the fire-ring that was higher up on the hill, off the beach. 

“And with what wood would we be building it?” Lily prompted, 

“We can go to the store for dinner and firewood! Oh and marshmallows of course.” Sirius chimed in, a grin spreading over his face at the idea. 

James nodded enthusiastically at the idea, “Sirius! Great men truly do think alike!” 

Dora smiled widely at this, her agreement on this idea clear, “And Remus can help you at the store Sirius! It's perfect.” 

Remus hardly had time to react before Dora was pulling him up by the arms and pushing Sirius and him off the beach and towards the parking lot. 

“I'll take care of Teddy while you're gone!” She yelled, waving at them.

It didn't take long for the two of them to make their way to the parking lot, Remus was the one who had the license so they took his car. The nearest store was fairly close, hardly five minutes away so the car ride there was uneventful. Soft music with catchy lyrics filled the silence, so it wasn't uncomfortable between them. 

“So.. dinner? What are we getting?” 

“Whatever is already premade..” Remus mumbles, distractedly going through the various items lining the shelf in an attempt to pick. 

Trying to find something already made in a grocery store was proving to be a little challenging and Remus was running empty on ideas at the moment. He figured they could cook something over the fire but it was already pretty late. 

“Ah marshmallows, right here!” Sirius cheered, grabbing a bag of the jumbo-sized ones. “You still like sweet things, Moony?” 

Remus wasn't sure how he felt about the casual use of his old nickname from Sirius, but he didn't mention it, only nodding. They were about to leave the section when Remus caught sight of the chocolate nestled next to the marshmallows. He felt himself moving towards them without really thinking, grabbing onto the bag like a safe haven. 

“Some things never change, hm?” Sirius asked with a wolfish smile, eyes alight. 

“Chocolate is chocolate Pads,” Remus replied easily, his own smile cracking through as a placed the chocolate along with the marshmallows in their basket. 

“You ate enough of it back then, I'd be surprised if you weren't part chocolate now.” 

“There's nothing wrong with chocolate..” Remus mumbled out defensively, smile still in place. 

“Never said there was, Moons.” Sirius mused aloud, amusement still evident in his own voice, “Oh! Premade, how about cereal?” 

“Cereal for dinner? Really? .. are you _serious_?” 

Sirius stopped in his tracks for a second, almost stumbling over to look at Remus. He blinked owlishly a few times, imitating his earlier fish out of water look he seemed fond of. “Did you just make a Sirius joke? My name? Really?” 

“It had been too long.” 

Sirius barked out a laugh, shaking his head before falling back into steps with Remus. “No, but really, cereal could work.” 

“..Clearly, I did not fall for you for your brains. I don't know what younger me was thinking. We're not having cereal for dinner.” 

It was a test, Remus knew. He was pushing the waters with Sirius and he didn't know how he was going to react. Remus wasn't sure what reaction he was even hoping to get from him with that. He doesn't know why he said it or what he even meant by it. 

Sirius seemed to ignore the comment altogether, the only change in his expression was a slight tightening of his face. His jaw muscle moved tightly together as if he was grounding his teeth. Remus chose to ignore it. “They sell chicken at the front of the store I think. The hot ones, I'll go check if you find a register?” 

Sirius nodded before walking the opposite way. 

They met back up just as Sirius got to the front of the line. Remus had finished getting things for dinner, marshmallow sticks, and found the firewood off to the side of the store. They had everything they needed and we're checking out. The cashier was a friendly woman who made pleasant small talk, but Remus couldn't find the energy to recuperate the conversation much. 

He could feel his eyes keep drifting back to Sirius' face, each movement he made, each step, each breath. Remus felt sick suddenly, could feel the world turning or maybe that was his stomach. Everything spinning, his head felt like it was dropping to the floor, his vision blurry, the insistent ringing coming back. 

There wasn't enough oxygen left in the world leaving Remus gasping for breath. 

He didn't remember getting to the car or walking out of the store, he can't focus on anything. 

“Moons? Remus? Are you with me? Are you okay?” 

He could hear Sirius talking but he couldn't see him. The world was black and gravely and hard and it was still spinning in one big circle over and over. Remus felt his neck being pulled up, heat exploding against his cheek and his vision being filled with Sirius. 

“Deep breaths, come on. Just in and out.” 

He felt his wrist being dragged up and placed on a solid surface. Up and down. Expanding and condensing. Sirius's breaths were long and deep and Remus could feel himself following the pattern he felt. Sirius was mumbling something but he couldn't focus on it. All he could do was focus on the feeling of breathing, letting his lungs expand.

After Remus could finally breathe normally, the world stopped spinning and the ringing ceased. The world wasn't turned upside down and his stomach righted. 

“..good?” 

“What?” Remus heard himself gasp out, words almost escaping him again.

“Are you good now?” Sirius repeated. 

Remus could recognize his surroundings now, backed up against the car. The heat he felt against his cheek is Sirius' hand, thumb rubbing calming circles into Remus' face. His own hand pressed up against Sirius's chest to copy his breathing. He can still feel the warmth and movement of each solid breath he takes. 

He removes it. 

“I'm okay, sorry, I'm good.” 

Remus feels slightly trapped like this, Sirius' body caging him up against the car. It isn't an unpleasant feeling and that's what makes Remus move. He knocks his hand away from his face, moving to open the driver's seat. 

Sirius scoffs, “Really? You're gonna have a meltdown like that and then just expect to drive back? The hell was that, Remus?” 

Remus can feel a headache working its way up, “Yes. That's exactly what we're going to do. I don't owe you any explanation.” 

“The hell we are!” Sirius argues, “That's the second time this has happened. What's going on with you? What did Lily mean medication last time this happened?”

Remus couldn't help the groan that escaped him, “Nothing is going on with me, damn! Just leave it alone Sirius. Now drop it before I stop talking to you again.” 

That was low and Remus knew it. Sirius didn't deserve it, but it was the only leverage Remus had right now. He regretted it as soon as he said it but he couldn't take it back now. He turned to pull the door open to avoid seeing the look on Sirius' face. He was joined in the car only a few seconds later. 

Remus didn't say anything until he started the car and they were driving back, 

“The medication is for those. Panic attacks, they happen sometimes.” 

“Can I ask why?” Sirius asked softly, “Since when?” 

Remus wasn't sure if answering him would be better or not. He focused on driving as he mulled over the different excuses he could give but eventually decided on, “When you left.” 

They didn't talk the rest of the car ride. 

** *  **

Who would ever want to move in this god-awful heat? Remus could feel the sweat rolling down his back and sticking to his shirt, making him extremely uncomfortable. He had to shed his beloved cardigan with the weather approaching the 80's, making him even more exposed feeling than normal.

Regardless of the heat, these boxes still needed to be moved. Sirius had apparently acquired quite a few belongings with his few months at the Potters household and now that he was leaving, all of it had to be moved. As much as Sirius loved the balcony, Remus hated these three flights of stairs right now. James was of no help, somehow the weakest of the bunch, even to his wife. Lily being surprisingly strong, carrying two or three boxes at a time. Remus questioned it, 

“All the garden work probably! Those flowers won't weed themselves,” She laughed, taking up another box.

“Just be careful with your stomach Lils.” Remus worried, 

The reminder caused her to smile, placing one of her free hands below her stomach. You could see the glow start to shine through. If that was from the pregnancy or the joy of it, was obvious. 

“Three more!” James yelled from bellow. 

It was a welcome sound to hear how little they had left. Remus hurried up the steps almost running straight into Sirius and losing balance. Sirius quickly straightened him out before side-stepping to grab the remaining boxes. Remus plopped his box on top of the growing pile, careful of the possible contents inside. 

The apartment was as pretty as Sirius said. Dark wooden floor lining the entire apartment, granite counters adorning the kitchen, open windows letting in light, and showing the view of downtown. It was almost.. too nice. Remus hated being suspicious of how Sirius was getting the money to pay for it with his job, but the suspicion was still there regardless. 

“Where's Dora?” 

Remus jumped, surprised to hear another voice and spun to see Sirius standing in his doorway, the remaining box in hand. 

“Visiting her mother, she wanted to see Teddy.” 

“But not you too?” 

“Andromeda.. doesn't like me very much. Did knock up her daughter and all.” 

“Our family doesn't like anyone.” Sirius spit out, disregarding Remus' statement altogether. 

Remus gave a noncommittal hum, continuing to look around the apartment. The suspicion was nagging but he didn't want to doubt Sirius. James came bursting through the door saving Remus from having to think it over more, panting like he was the one who did all the work. 

“You good mate?”

Remus snorted at the concern in Sirius' voice.

“Oh hush up Moony! Those boxes were heavier then they looked, aight?” 

“Sure thing James.” Remus placed his hands up in mock surrender. 

“Now that that's all settled!” James placed his hands on his hips in a look of triumph, “We're gonna miss you Pads.” 

“Where is Lily anyways?” Sirius interrupted what would have been a mushy James moment. 

“Right here, right here. Just had to finish locking up the U-Haul since _someone_ ” She looked over to a sheepish James, “forgot.” 

James just gave an awkward cough before going back into his moment, “Like I was saying, we're going to miss youuu!!” His voice went all wobbly and crocodile tears sprung to his eyes. 

Sirius threw Remus a very desperate 'Help Me Please' look before being tackled into a hug by James. The melodramatics of James quickly wore off, as he whispered something into Sirius' ear, causing a change in both of their expressions. Remus felt as if he was imposing on a private moment and turned away only to catch Lily's eyes. 

Remus didn't understand why Lily was looking at him with something akin to fear and worry, why those emotions would possibly have to be directed at him. He tilted his head, non-verbally asking for an explanation. Lily didn't move or change her expression just stared and stared and Remus didn't understand the reason for it. 

She smiled then, gently and cautious, taking the few steps towards him to close their distance, “Are you happy, Remus? Are you okay?” 

It was whispered, meant only for his ears. Confusion must have still been evident in his expression, as she quickly shook her head, “Never mind, sorry. I'm acting weird because of the heat. We'll see you both for dinner, yeah?” 

“Of course.” 

Lily quickly dragged James off, them both saying their goodbyes and waving before shutting the door behind them. Remus wasn't worried about being alone with Sirius, they had made it to the point of comfortable friendship. Key point being _wasn't,_ Remus feels jittery and anxious as if he's been caught doing something wrong with Lily's unsettling stare. 

“Wanna talk about what all that was?” Remus decides to ask instead, 

“Only if you tell me why you got the disapproving Lily Look.” Sirius threw back, plopping down onto the new couch that was a move-in gift from Lily and James.

Remus joined him, finding comfort in the soft cushion after moving those boxes all morning. He could feel his bones turn to jello in the plush and he let out a sigh of contempt before answering, “Not sure actually, maybe she found out Teddy got in her garden.” 

Sirius let out a dramatic gasp, “He didn't! We must protect your child from her vegetable wrath!” 

It was said so theatrically Remus couldn't help but laugh, “Oh please do. If it's not that, I really don't know.” 

“Thank you for coming to help, by the way, I know you and Lily did most of the work.” 

“Consider it a move-in present, since Dora and I didn't get you anything.” 

“I wouldn't have expected you to,” Sirius melted further into the couch like Remus did as he spoke, “It's not as if you came to England for that.” 

“How are you two in England for the entire summer.. anyways?” Sirius suddenly asks, turning to face Remus. 

“That's right, you've yet to ask what we do.” He replied, only half-way turning to face Sirius, far too comfortable becoming one with the couch. 

“Well, it wasn't the most pressing issue when I first saw you.” Sirius grumbled, “But what are your professions?” 

It took a second for Remus to answer, feeling his eyes droop, only looking at Sirius through narrowed slits, “I'm a professor for a university in the states. Dora stays at home to watch Teddy, but she's finishing an art degree. I could be doing summer programs, but it isn't mandatory with my job. Hence us taking the summer off.” 

“Oh of course you're a professor.” Sirius laughed, “I don't know what else I could imagine you as. With your cardigans and tea.” 

“It is rather fitting.” He mummers, turning his face further into the cushion to block out the light. 

“What do you teach?” 

Remus' comfort diminished as Sirius asked, thinking up excuses that he could use. He wasn't sure if it would hurt Sirius and that was the last thing we wanted. Especially now that their relationship seemed stable. He let out a sigh, moving his face so he kept Sirius' eye-contact again, 

“Drug and substance abuse studies.” 

He watched as Sirius' eyes widened a fraction, his mouth moving without words coming to him. He kept his gaze, not daring to look away after he said that. Sirius didn't look away either, but he didn't look hurt. His expression wasn't hazed in guilt or anger, just surprise. 

“...Because of me?” 

“You were the main reason, yeah.” 

Sirius doesn't say anything after that, as if the words are still processing through his head. The moments feel tense and they lay together like that, still just starting; scared to break the fragile silence and friendship they've finally re-built. 

It's broken anyway, but not by them, Remus jumps surprised, at the insisted ringing of his phone. The screen blaring to life and he quickly fishes it out of his pocket only to stop when he reads the name. He isn't sure if Sirius saw it already or not, but he tilts the screen away from him and out of view anyway. 

Remus considers declining the call for a second before Sirius asks, “Are you not going to answer?” 

He can feel the sweat start to build at his temples and in his palms, his pulse start to race. He knows its the beginnings of a panic attack, but can't be bothered to do much about it with the ringing still going. His breaths feel short as he gasps out, “I'll be outside, just give me a second.” 

Remus' legs don't feel stable under him as he stands and walks to the door, quickly shutting it behind him. The phone is still buzzing and ringing and Remus rather not answer it but he presses accept before he can dwell on it longer. 

“...Hello?” 

“ _Remus? Hi, how are you?”_

“I'm doing fine, why are you calling?”

“ _That's a little harsh, I didn't know I needed a reason to call.”_

“You don't but it's out of character for you.” 

“ _I heard you were back in England, I'd like to see you again.”_

“Where did you hear that from?” 

“ _.. I didn't. I was assuming because Sirius got released. How long are you staying in the country?”_

“ We hadn't decided yet.” 

“ _We as in, Nymphadora and you? Did you bring Teddy too?”_

“Yes, we did.” 

“ _I see.. Have you seen him yet then?”_

“Have you?” 

“ _Sirius has never had an interest in me, I don't see why I would go visit him now that he's out of prison.”_

“He's been trying to contact you, actually. He wanted to see you.” 

“ _So you are seeing him then.”_

“It's not like that anymore. You know that.” 

“ _Can I see you?”_

“I don't know if that's a good idea.” 

“ _If I visit Sirius, will you let me see you?”_

“Regulus. **.”**

“ _Still so touchy when it comes to my brother.. I'll visit him, okay? No need to get mad.”_

“Where have you been? Dora said your mother hasn't been able to contact you.” 

“ _Now you're worried about me, Remus? It's a little late for that.”_

“...” 

“Are you safe?” 

“ _I am.”_

“Okay... I'm glad.” 

“ _Are you.. doing okay with seeing him?”_

“I should go now. Call me when you plan to visit, okay?” 

“ _..Fine. Goodbye Remus.”_

Their conversation is still playing in loops in Remus' head, the beeping from the line being disconnected still playing. Another situation he has to explain and deal with.. great. He can feel the bile at the back of his throat and the waves of ringing in his ears about to blast through. 

He shakes out his head as if it'll rid the anxiety, making his way back inside. Sirius is still sitting there, but he's looking at Remus for an explanation, one he doesn't have. Remus sinks back into the couch the moment he's close to it, practically collapsing. Sitting wanes off the sick feeling in his stomach momentarily, 

“Who was it?” 

“.. No one.” 

He's not sure Sirius believes him. 


	3. High Definition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we aren't gonna talk about why it's being uploaded at 2 am, no sir
> 
> TW: anxiety mentions, unplanned pregnancy, prison discussed, implied drug use, not by Sirius 
> 
> sirius and remus being angsty messes as usual.

The fresh morning lights were streaming in, tinted a garish yellow that made the entire apartment seem much larger than it was. Despite how open it was, the windows held a horrid view of the lower-class city. The homeless problem had gotten worse, a mini-city of its own, tents barricading against the freeway. Trash littering the streets visible from even this high up and blaring sounds of horns from the cars below. 

Regardless of the surroundings outside their home, the warmth inside was still evident. The peeling wallpaper and creaking floorboards, nor the broken sink or rusty heater could damper it. Remus could feel the sigh escape him, the ache in his bones, and the knot in his neck from staring down all day. He padded slowly through their front door, making sure to fully close it as the lock tended to come loose. 

“Welcome home!” Dora cheered from her place on the floor. 

She was surrounded by large textbooks and spiral notebooks, hurried writing spewing from the pages. In front of her was a sketchbook, scribbles of charcoal covering the page and her hands. A smudge had gotten on her face and she rubbed at her nose with her sleeve. It effectively smeared it more so she just gave a lopsided smile to Remus, giving up on removing the stain for now. The light streaming in caused shadows to settle upon her face, contrasting her in different lights which made her strikingly similar to the drawing below her.

Remus doesn't remember looking at his wife more intently than at that moment. Purple hair pulled up in a messy bun, most strands escaping and falling to the front of her face with the length. Her eyes were searching, a smile still in place, genuine joy lighting up her features. Her stomach was growing, baby bump starting to show, yet she still looked so small, drowning in an oversized sweater. With the heater in their apartment hardly functioning, Dora was always trying to ward off the cold that seemed to settle in the walls and floors of their home. 

Remus smiled back, coming to settle beside her and take a peek at the sketch. It was all harsh lines and sharp angles, cheekbones that could cut glass. Long hair, a frenzied mess falling off the paper, smudges of fingerprints tangled within the strands. The features of the portrait were aristocratic, strong eyes narrowed in defiance. The portrait was what one thinks teenage rebellion looks like. 

“Is this for your art assignment?” 

Dora nods in reply, hair flopping about and more pieces falling from the bun, “It's just a rough sketch, still planning out some ideas. I was supposed to be studying for the upcoming final but I couldn't get the idea out of my head.” 

She snaps the sketchbook closed, securing away some of the charcoals in a small zip-lock bag Remus hadn't originally noticed. Not occupied with the drawing, she plants a kiss on his lips, giving another grin when she releases him. “It's not that important though. How were work and school?” 

Remus' eyes still feel drawn to the page even as it's closed, tucked away from sight. He hums, sagging next to her. He can finally feel the exhaust settle into his skin now at home. Getting up at 3 am every day, so he could work and go to school after, was taking a toll on his body. 

“It was fine. I'll need to start looking for another job soon, they increased rent.” 

Dora frowns at that, pulling his head into her lap. He goes easily, nestling comfortably into her lap. Her skirt smelt like lavender and grass, causing his eyes to droop. “I can work, you know? I hate seeing you this tried. Hardly see you anymore.” 

Remus shook his head, “It's okay. I was the one who moved us out here, I'll figure something out. Don't worry.” 

The rhythmic feeling of her stroking his hair lulled him into a peaceful sleep. She was saying something else but he couldn't hear, her words fuzzing in and out of focus. The scent of lavender was waning and the soft light he could see behind his eyelids turned bright and sharp. 

“..Rem? You awake?” 

He groaned, turning further into the blankets he could now feel around him, blocking out the light and sound. He heard Dora huff out a laugh before he was shoved over and his blankets were being disturbed. She nestled next to him and he finally turned to her, peeking an eye open. 

She frowned looking at him, “Bad dream?” 

“No. A very good one.” 

He wound his arms around her, nosing into her hair and smelling the reminiscence of lavender still on her after all these years. “You went out?” He finally asked, noticing her already dressed for the day. He quickly sat up, scanning the room. “Teddy?” 

She pulled him back down, resuming their position and holding on to him in return, “With my mother. I dropped him off for the day.” 

His moment of panic eased and he felt his limbs turn back to mush, becoming one with the bed again. He tried to get comfortable, closing his eyes and holding his wife close but the dream kept coming back to the forefront of his mind. “Why did you draw Sirius for your art project?” He asked, 

Dora sat up a little taller, turning to face Remus with a face full of confusion, “What? What are you talking about?” 

Remus sat up higher, mimicking her actions, “When we were younger. You were still pregnant with Teddy and we had just moved to the states. You were doing a portrait piece, you drew Sirius.”

“Back in the states..” Her eyebrows knit together as if searching for the memory, “I've never drawn Sirius before, love. I don't know what you're talking about.” 

Remus was sure the portrait in his dream was Sirius, he searched for the memory but it just became fuzzier the longer he tried to remember. The dream escaped the harder he thought on it, “But I just saw..” 

“It was just a dream, Rem.” She said as she slid back down into the blankets, dragging Remus with her. 

He tried not to think much more of it, agreeing with his wife. He went back down with her, sinking far enough until just the tip of his eyes were visible through the blankets. She gave him another smile and it reminded him of the dream Dora, her face hardly changing through the years. He would have liked to sink back into a dream, forgetting the conversation altogether but Sirius was nagging at his brain still. He could feel the sigh building in his lungs, “What are you doing, Dora?” 

She turned to him confused again, “What am I doing? We're cuddling.” 

He laughed at that, but continued to prod the subject, “You're pushing Sirius and me together. Have been since the Potter's house. Why?” 

She had a look as if she had just been caught, sheepish and docile. She let out an awkward cough, twisting the sheets in her hands. “You found out then?” 

Remus couldn't help the deadpan stare that overtook his features, “Mrs. Lupin, you are not one for subtlety in the least.” 

Dora cracked a grin at the use of their last name before replying, “You both needed the push. Neither of you would have fessed up or talked without it.” 

“Maybe I didn't want to talk to him.” 

She was the one to sigh this time and Remus was surprised that _he_ was the one receiving a glare. “Don't lie to me or yourself, Remus. We wouldn't be in England if you didn't.” 

He wasn't sure how to respond to that, suddenly feeling hot with shame. It felt like he was caught up in a big lie, although he wasn't sure he was lying. Remus wasn't sure how he felt when it came to Sirius still. The friendship they were rebuilding was steadily getting there, yes, but there was still too much unsaid. He voiced those very concerns to her. 

“So? We can figure that out as we go. Both of you.” She huffed out like it was obvious, “You both have all the time in the world now. Regardless of what happened between you two in the past.. you can get through it. You owe it to yourselves.”

Dora wounded her hand with his, locking their fingers together. She looked intently at Remus, words were still escaping him. He didn't say anything in reply, he couldn't. The emptiness in his mind caused his speech to falter. Instead, he placed a chaste kiss upon her hand, still intertwined with his. 

Finally, he whispered, “I love you.” 

“I know.” 

The look in her eyes was somber when she said it, face tight with worry. Her lip trembled slightly as she held on tighter to his hand, squeezing until it hurt. Just as he was about to question her, she laughed, bouncing out of bed and dragging him along with her. 

*****

“A party?” 

“A party!” James repeated,

The group was out to brunch, per Lily's request. She was taking every opportunity to see Remus and Dora before the possibility of them leaving. Dora was still insistent on staying the entire summer since they did have the proper funds, but Remus was still hesitant about the idea. There was technically nothing tying them down to go back to the states, besides maybe Teddy missing his school friends, but Remus was still uncomfortable with the idea. It was a Saturday, so James and Lily both had the day off except for Sirius, the weekend being busy workdays for him.

The restaurant was old, tacky Italian decorations distributed throughout. Remus remembers it from when they were young, still in their boarding school days. The first time they came, James, Peter, Sirius, and him all out of school from winter break. They would huddle into the cozy booths, scrapping enough change between the four of them to pay for the bare minimum of food. Cheesy pasta enough for the four of them, but filling up mainly on the free bread-sticks. As teens, James and Sirius were famous for trying to sweet-talk the older waitresses into smuggling them beer or wine, any kind of alcohol was appealing to them when they were that young.

As they aged, so did the restaurant. Now having brunch specials and branching out to formal dinners, topped with exotic-sounding wines. It seemed the business wasn't holding up though, the restaurant quiet with only a few other customers including them. You could see the age in the moldy wallpaper and the dusty ceiling beams. 

“We were thinking more of a party,” Lily pauses to sip her coffee, “instead of the original barbecue idea. With so many people coming we thought it'd be nice to spend some money. Get some catering, maybe get one of those pop-up pools, stuff like that.” 

“If you get catering, please don't make it gross grown-up food.” Dora quickly piped up, looking to James for backup. A shudder of disgust ran through her at the thought. 

“Gross grown-up food?” Lily repeated, 

“Yeah.. I rather skip on it too.” James agreed, vigorously shaking his head in agreement. 

“You know,” Dora continued, twirling her fork in her pasta as she spoke, “Stuff like fish and bland vegetable platters.”

Lily raised a skeptical eyebrow at her choice of wording, “Don't worry. I'm sure it'll suit your tastes, Dora.” 

She cracked a smile towards Lily, “Perfect! We should get a watermelon then. It's a summer staple.” 

Lily laughed but agreed nonetheless, “We're thinking of having it a little later in the summer now though, so we can plan everything. Right before Dorcas and Marlene's wedding, more towards the end of summer?” 

“..Speaking of the guests,” James interrupted, awkwardness spreading throughout his posture. His previous joy turned sour. “Well.. uh.” 

Lily gives a forced cough, not so subtly kicking James under the table. His eyes snap back up to meet Remus', a grimace still spreading throughout his face. “I mentioned it before, but Sirius was wondering about Regulus. Now that he's out and all you know?” His hands fidgeted as he continued, “Do you know where he is? Like if he's even in England still?” 

“What my husband is trying to say, is we'd like to invite him to the party. So Sirius and him can see each other again?” Lily cuts in.

Her posture is also stiff as she asks though, the topic not an easy one for any of the occupants at the table. Least of all Remus, as he shifts in his seat, anxiety spiking through his limbs. He coughs, the only thing sputtering from his mouth a mash of hms and inaudible words as he tries to string together a sentence. 

“He is.. in the country I mean, he called me the other day.” 

“He did?” Lily asks, surprised.

Remus can feel the stares from both Dora and James and can feel the burning of holes being drilled into the sides of his head. He doesn't want to face either of them, doesn't want to guess or put together what their expressions could be. The judgment. Turning back to focus on Lily, the calmest seeming of the group, he continues, 

“He just wanted to see if I was in the country.” 

“Is he still..” She trails off, lips pursing until they are almost white. “Sorry, it doesn't matter. Do you think you could invite him to the party? We're having it on the second.” 

Remus _really_ didn't want to. The thought must have been evident on his face, as Lily's eyes turned pleading. She wasn't one to give the puppy dog look, least of all to Remus. She was too dignified for that, typically using sharp words and logical arguments to get her points across. Apparently, she wasn't above it today. Remus wasn't sure how Regulus was doing, if he was even stable, not wanting to base much off their short phone call. Throw that in with how Sirius has been acting? Remus couldn't help the sigh that escaped him, biting his cheek until he tasted iron. “I'll see, okay?” 

It wasn't a promise or even a yes, just a maybe. Thankfully it was a good enough answer, as Lily nodded, giving Remus a hesitant smile. 

“Anyways,” Dora suddenly said, “have we told you how our neighbor is a complete Karen?”

*****

The smell of vanilla was as strong as Sirius said it was, instantly hitting Remus' senses as he entered. The lighting was low, soft wisps of cream barely illuminating the rest of the establishment, highlighted only at a tall oak bar. Expensive looking alcohol lined more wooden shelves behind the bar itself, lights highlighting each label and making the liquid shimmer inside. There was soft bustling and conversation fluttering throughout, loud laughing and dishes clinking, hushed mummers from different couples in quiet corners. 

It was a dramatic change from the previous tacky and dust-covered restaurant he was in earlier. Everything was clearly new here, polished china and glossy wooden floors. Remus suddenly felt very underdressed the longer he took in his new environment. 

“Hi, welcome! A party of one?” 

Remus turned, the voice coming from a petite woman. Her hair was done up in complex braids that cascaded down a uniform black dress he saw other female staff wearing. Her face was soft and her lips were turned up in a friendly smile. She tilted her head and it was then he realized she was speaking to him, 

“Uh.. no. I was looking for someone. He works here?” 

She blinked a few times, questioning and curious as if waiting for him to continue. 

“I called but he didn't answer, so I figured I'd just come in..” Remus trailed off again, feeling more awkward the longer their interaction continued.

He wasn't exactly sure what he was expecting, not that Sirius would just pop out waiting to greet him, but this woman's stare became more unnerving the longer they looked at each other. He tried to glance past her, hoping to catch a sight of black curls and inked up arms. No luck.

“And this person's name..?” She asked, now impatient. 

“Oh! Sirius. Sirius Black, do you know him? Could you get him for me?” 

She made a weird popping sound with her mouth, eyes lighting up with recognition. She placed down the pen she had been tapping against the servers stand so she could clasp her hands in front of her. 

“Course I do! You should have said so sooner, Sirius isn't a common name.” 

Relief flooded through Remus at this proclamation, “Oh good. He is here then, right?” 

She nodded but didn't move like Remus expected her to. The girl stared still, looking him over again before giving a long hum. Her eyes were still trained on his face, boring into his own and the relief was suddenly gone, discomfort settling in his skin once more. Scratchy and hot with irritation. 

“You're Remus, right?” She suddenly asks, 

“..Yeah?” 

She turns then, hair swaying behind her and heels clicking upon the wood. Remus doesn't quite relax until she's disappeared fully behind a backroom. He doesn't have time to question her strange behavior before he sees her again, Sirius trailing behind her, sharp words flying out of his mouth. 

“.. you shouldn't just let people who say they know me inside. You know I was..” 

Remus could only pick up some of the hushed argument between them before Sirius looked over to him. Remus raised an eyebrow in question, 

“Oh, Moony. I didn't know you were coming?” 

“It was decided at the last minute. I called but..” 

“Sorry, I don't really have my phone with me when I'm working.” 

“It's fine, I understand.” 

“Well it doesn't matter much now, does it?” The woman suddenly asked, directing both their attention to her. “Sirius you were just getting off, you should go collect your things.” 

“Right.. okay. Just a second then?” 

Remus only nodded and Sirius scurried back to the room they had previously just exited out of. His hope of her following was quickly dying the further Sirius got. She stayed put but didn't have the unnerving edge in her eyes she had moments ago. Remus contemplated going to wait outside before she spoke up, “So. How long are you staying in England?” 

“I'm sorry.. do I know you?” 

She shook her head with a light and airy laugh, more of a giggle than anything. “No, no. I'm just friends with Sirius, so I've heard of you.” 

“A friend?” He repeated, 

“Yes. Just a friend, Remus.” 

Her tone was teasing, as if she was making a joke Remus didn't understand. Her expression was a predatory grin, and the strange gleam was back in her eyes, dazed but confident. They were blown out wide, pupils dilated until almost all he could see was black. It was hard to differentiate, the brown already so dark it was like her pupils were melting in with the cornea. Remus remembered a much younger Sirius having the same look, high out of his mind. If he had to describe her as anything it would just be _creepy._ Thankfully, he didn't have to think of a response to her strange conversation. Sirius bustling out from the backroom, 

“Jeez, stop torturing him Nel. He looks scared of you.” Sirius scolded, knocking her lightly upside the head, sending her hair flying.

“I was only saying hello.” 

Sirius gave what Remus assumed was a warning look, eyes narrowed and lips down-turned at her. “Let's go then?” He asked, turning back to Remus. “..unless you wanted to eat here?” 

Remus only shook his head before turning from both of them and making a hasty exit through the double doors. The relaxing french atmosphere was very dampened from their strange hostess. 

“It was nice meeting you!” 

Was the last Remus heard before shutting the door behind Sirius and him. The feeling of edge she caused was easing out and Remus didn't feel nearly as stiff anymore. Breathing coming easier with the help of fresh air now that they were outside. The rain was still heavily pelting down to the gravel below, it was still warm despite it. The cracklings of thunder and lightning were almost as loud as the rain, so Remus almost missed it when Sirius asked, 

“So.. what are you doing here?” 

“The trains stopped because of the storm, I was gonna give you a ride.” Remus had to slightly shout, words getting drowned out from the summer storm. 

“I could have just gotten a taxi or something!” Sirius shouted back,

“Fine! You don't want one?” 

“I never said that!” 

Remus watched as Sirius looked up to the rain, stepping out from under the awning they were under. He quickly got soaked, cotton t-shirt doing nothing to protect him from the onslaught of water falling from the sky. He was laughing, Remus realized, the sound drowning out with the crackle of thunder. His hair was slicked back from the water, drops catching and sliding down his face. 

It reminded Remus of when they were young, the look of carefree joy displayed over Sirius' face as he soaked up the rain, almost seemed like a memory. Remus couldn't help the grin that overtook him as he watched Sirius, twirling around in the rain with his arms outstretched like a kid. Sirius was still laughing and the beauty of it struck Remus, his smile igniting a warmth he hadn't felt in a very long time. 

He was dragged out, Sirius latching onto his arm and swinging him around in the rain. He knew they must have looked silly, two grown men with their hands intertwined and twirling in a large circle together. The rational part thinking that, was muted for now, as he felt the warm rain soak through his clothes. Sirius' laughter was contagious and Remus couldn't help but join in. Remus' logic always seemed to shut off when it came to Sirius, his every move easy to fall into. Every step easy to follow, warmth, and glee infectious around him. His smile stretched so big Remus' cheeks felt like they were splitting, all cares and worries washed away in the rain. As they continued to laugh together, he wondered if this is what ecstasy would feel like; pumping through his veins and fueling his desire. 

If it really feels like this, he can understand why Sirius was so addicted to it. 

*****

“Are you sure you don't want to shower real quick?” Sirius asks, “I don't want you to get sick.” 

After getting thoroughly drenched by the rain, Remus made good on his promise to drive Sirius home. The rain hadn't stopped and the thunder was still rumbling on, audible even through the walls of Sirius' apartment. Sirius had decided to shower and change, while Remus just opted to dry off with a provided towel. He was still uncomfortably wet and the idea sounded good, but still, 

“No, it's fine. I'm dry enough to get home. Hopefully, the rental isn't too water damaged,” Remus sighed. 

Sirius gave a sheepish grin to that, seeming to feel only slightly guilty for the possible damage they unleashed on the car. “I really could have just taken a taxi, why did you come?” 

“Maybe I wanted to spend time with you.”

“Do you?” 

Remus didn't reply right away, causing the grin to fall from Sirius' face. He wasn't going to answer at all actually, but Dora's words from that morning repeated in his head like a mantra. 'We wouldn't be in England if you didn't.' He knew it was true, despite the guise of Lily's pregnancy. Of course, he was happy and wanted to visit his friends again, but Remus knew that wasn't the reason he came. They all knew it. 

“Yeah.. I do.” 

A surprising blush overtook Sirius' face before he let out a choked laugh, wolfish grin slowly returning. His eyes were still cautious, unsure, but it wasn't the crushed look he wore just moments before. Hesitance felt heavy in the air between them, but it was okay. Remus wasn't scared like when he first saw Sirius. Distrust wasn't settled in his stomach causing their interactions rushed and scared. It was a step for them, Remus thought. His feelings weren't solved and he wasn't sure Sirius' were either. But it didn't matter, not now. 

“Stay?” 

Remus hadn't expected his own words to be thrown back at him and he couldn't help the frightened smile. Sirius' tone was fragile when he spoke, voice little more than a whisper. His smile was fading, his features marring into something frail, _delicate._ Remus could feel the now-familiar wave of emotion rise in his throat, wobbly and unstable. 

He couldn't trust his voice, not right now. Not with this wave of emotion so heightened, so instead, he grasped Sirius' hand. Slow and careful, as if approaching a frightened animal, intertwining them again. His hands were still so rough, hard with age past his years. He couldn't tell if they were falling apart again, didn't want to cross that path. Didn't want to even entertain the idea, so instead, he pulls lightly; trailing Sirius along to the couch with him. Remus knew he wasn't thinking this through, didn't want to let his thoughts run rampant and ruin whatever this change was between them. He just wanted to _try._ Something about Sirius made his head feel foggy; incoherent thoughts fading before they even developed. Why was that? 

Sirius didn't try to speak either, so unlike his normal personality. Docilely following Remus' every move, softly falling onto the couch with him. His breath felt caught, eyes trailing along the sharp edges of Sirius' face. There wasn't any dramatic argument spewing from each-others lips, no hitting or punching from either side, tears not falling. The thundering storm outside, the rain pelting to the ground below, was a complete contrast to the vulnerable air nestled inside Sirius' apartment. 

Remus couldn't read whatever thoughts were passing through Sirius' own head. His eyes shifting rapidly as if scanning every section of Remus' face. They kept sliding back and forth, afraid to miss something. His breaths were soft and even, reminding Remus of the parking lot. The ghost of a memory hardly passing his thoughts, remembering how solid each breath Sirius took was. Remus' own felt feeble in comparison, catching every so often the longer he looked at Sirius. 

Sirius smiled again then. Warmth and delight lighting up his features, eyes softening the longer they stared back at Remus' own. He could feel the unfurling of something deep inside his chest and with it the spread of warmth. Sirius was always so warm, the blinding sun to Remus' own moon.

“I've missed you.” 

“I'm sure I've missed you more, Rem."

There were words still unsaid on the tip of Remus' tongue, catching at the last second; unable to move past his lips. They died in his throat, causing a shuddering breath to rumble through him, disturbing them. They were dangerous words to feel, much less to say. 

*****

Nothing else happened that night. Remus wouldn't have allowed it to. He slept for a while, Sirius right beside him on the couch when he woke still. Something had changed between them, Remus could feel. A shift in their relationship, a dynamic reworked, a flaw exposed. Regardless of what he could call it, a change had happened. 

Remus went home hours later, Dora still waiting patiently for him, their son fast asleep in the hotel room. He could feel the guilt then, a rock stuck in his throat, causing his lungs to constrict and his chest to go heavy. She didn't yell or even look mildly upset and Remus wasn't sure if she should be okay with this. He felt like she shouldn't. She should scream at him and demand they leave, go back to the states, forget whatever fragile existence was between Sirius and himself. 

But she just looked worried, anxiety plaguing her features that wasn’t there before. Like walls were crashing in around her that she could only just now see. Still she didn't ask, didn't plead, _nothing._ There was just a resigned look of fear before she grabbed Remus by the hand and took him to bed. 

Neither of them slept well that night. 

*****

“Well, it's not like I was expecting her to ask either. I've been seeing her a lot while we've been here though.” Dora said, twirling around again and inspecting the dress further in the full-length mirror. 

It was almost mid-July now, June had come and gone with Remus, Dora and Teddy still staying. The three of them had forfeited the hotel for staying with Dora's mother, Andromeda. She still lived in this giant mansion, money from her original Black name still carrying over to this day. It helped that Teddy liked the company of his grandmother and often asked to stay with her. 

“Rem, what do you think? This one or the halter dress better?” She asked, meeting his eyes in the mirror. 

Marlene had graciously made Dora one of her bridesmaid's last minute after all the time they had spent together. She was originally going to make Dora one, but decided against it, not knowing if she would even be in England for the wedding. Marlene wasn't very picky on any of her bridesmaid's dresses, only requesting they be in dark maroon to match the rest of the wedding theme. 

“You look beautiful in either, love.” 

She huffed, “Yes, but which one _better?”_ She emphasized but smiled at the compliment either way. 

“I don't know why you bother asking, men won't have an opinion, I've learned,” Lily teases, sending a playful glare towards Remus. “Go with this one. The strapless is prettier in the red.” 

“Thank you, Lily,” Dora agreed, giving one last twirl in the dress. 

Remus did think both looked good on her, not understanding how sleeves or no sleeves could make a dress more attractive. His wife had always been pretty, so everything was pretty on her. Regardless, he observed the dress again trying to see if this one was in fact, prettier than the last. 

It was long, passing her ankles and swishing around them when she moved. The material looked heavy, some type of chiffon, Remus guessed. It did have sleeves, thin straps falling off her shoulders where her hair met. It was styled in a low ponytail today, the blue of her hair mixing with the red of the dress reminded Remus of the American holiday for some reason. He liked it. 

“Would you like to purchase that one then, miss?” The sales associates asked, hovering idly by them.

She looked over herself one last time before replying, “Please. I'll change out of it?” 

“Of course, miss. I'll bag it when you're ready.” 

Dora stepped off the small platform that was surrounded by mirrors, to slip into one of the dressing rooms. She was back seconds later, dressed back into her day clothes that consisted of another pretty dress, short and covered in daisies. The sales associate did as he said he would, bagging up the dress and wringing up her order. Dora cringed at the price before inserting her card and finalizing the payment.

“I forget how expensive weddings are..” Dora sighs out, joining Lily and Remus again.

“Andromeda paid for most of ours,” Remus couldn't help but point out,

“And it was still expensive!” She cries again,

“Ah.. tell me about it, I don't think James and I will ever recover from our financial loss that day,” Lily says woefully before laughing at her own melodramatics. 

“James coming off on you, Lils?” 

She shivered as if Remus' words were too much to think, “I hope not. I love my husband, I do. But I hope not.” 

“Speaking of,” Dora mused aloud, “Are we still meeting up with them for lunch? I'm starving after all that.” 

“I swear all we do is eat when we meet up,” Lily mumbles worriedly, looking down at her stomach.

“You're eating for two now, you can afford the extra food,” Dora assured,

“How was your pregnancy actually? I didn't see you for most of it, so I'm curious.”

Dora gives Lily a sympathetic look before replying, “The worst. The most pain I've ever been in actually. You have a lot to look forward to!” She ended with. 

Remus couldn't help the laugh from Lily's expense, the look of horror she gave Dora too amusing, “Stop torturing her, Dora. You're gonna be fine!”

“Don't scare me like that..” She sighed out, 

Dora and Remus only shared a look behind her back, not wanting to damper her upcoming experience with pregnancy. “Anyways,” Remus continued, “Have you two thought of some names? Or are you still shooting them down on the daily?” 

“No, I think James was on to something with,” Dora pauses their pace to stretch out her arms in imitation of a large nameplate, “Lakkyn Stormbringer the fifth!” 

“..There hasn't even been a first, how could there be a fifth?” Remus asks, suddenly very worried about the previous baby names in James lineage. 

“.. Don't ask.” Lily groans, “But we have thought of some..” 

“Do tell, do tell!” Dora cheers, 

“If it's a girl, Euphemia, after James' mother. If it's a boy.. we were thinking Harry.”

Remus hummed, mulling over both of the names. “Harry Potter, it's a good name.” 

“But not Euphemia?” Lily teased, looking over to him. 

“They're both good, Lils. I'd welcome either happily.” 

She laughed at that, looking over to Remus again with a soft smile. Her eyes were alight, “ ..Good. You'll be this little girl or boy's godfather.” She placed her hand under her stomach as she said it, caressing the tiny bump that was just barely starting to show. 

Remus jerked in his tracks, halting the other two. Lily had an eyebrow raised, an expect expression on her face. He turned to Dora for help but she only hid a laugh behind her hand, eyes gleaming at Remus' apparent surprise. “..But I'm hardly here.” He argued quietly.

“And despite it, you're still my best friend,” Lily assured, hooking their arms together and continuing their pace. 

Remus couldn't help the smile that shone through and he realized that happened a lot while he was here. He squeezed Lily's arm trying to show his appreciation, “And you're mine.” 

The walk wasn't much farther before the trio arrived at the entrance of a brightly lit cafe. The strong smell of coffee could be smelt from even outside. The large windows showed Sirius and James both inside, talking animatedly at a table, visible from where they were standing.

“We'll come inside in just a second, kay?” Dora piped up, swinging to latch her arm around Remus' free one. 

Lily glanced between the two of them, staring at Remus for another beat before she eventually nodded and walked inside. Dora spun Remus towards her so they were facing, interlacing their hands together again. She didn't look upset, so Remus assumed he wasn't in trouble. 

She gave a squeeze to his hands, “That conversation had me thinking..” she trailed off, finding her words for a moment, “We don't have to _not_ be here.” 

Remus raised an eyebrow, confused at her choice of wording, “Go on?” 

“I missed our friends, I _really_ missed our friends.” She sighed wistfully, “I'm sure any university would be happy to take you Remus and my mom could watch Teddy, so I could finally finish getting my bachelors. With Lily's baby now coming and..” She trailed off again, “I know you and Sirius are still.. unstable. But I'm sure things will smooth over soon enough.” 

Remus.. hadn't expected that from her at all. Just the prospect of leaving the home they built in America was enough to have Remus reeling with anxiety. She was looking at him with something akin to desperation and he couldn't remember Dora ever looking like that. 

Guilt suddenly plummets in his stomach, wondering if he was the one to take her away from a life she loved. His mouth felt very dry as he replied, “I don't.. are you unhappy?” 

Her expression suddenly turns frustrated, “No, no. Nothing like that, I promise. Just think it over okay?” 

She leans up to plant a kiss on his cheek, almost in apology. Remus just nods, trying to think it over as she asked. His mind keeps going blank every time he tries. 

*****

The park was busy today, multiple families mulling around the grassy hills. It was a bigger park, filled with more greenery than actual playgrounds. Hiking trails were nestled up further in the hills behind it, large wishing fountains you could sit on were in the middle of shady paths that wound around them. Teddy had been excited to come, as had Dora, going on about the 'change of scenery' as she often said. 

Remus was less excited. 

He watched as his wife spun around in small circles with their toddler. Her hair was flying about with the twirling she was doing, putting on quite the show for their son. She was laughing and her smile was infectious to Remus, warmth blossoming through his chest the longer he looked at his family. 

She looked especially pretty today, Remus noticed. She was wearing a large sunhat that cast a contrast of shadows against her pale skin. She was wearing a dress again, long and flowy, swishing around her ankles every-time she moved. 

His moment of warmth was interrupted with a small, but intentional, cough from his left. Andromeda was staring at him with something akin to curiosity. Despite what Remus had said about her previously, Andromeda was a very fair woman who cared for her family deeply. She wasn't one to dislike a person without reason, Remus knew. 

“... Are you doing well, back in England?” She asked, voice quiet but polite.

She had come to the park with them, intending to spend some family time with her daughter and grandson now that they were back in the country. It helped that Teddy absolutely _adored_ her. He always went on about how his grandmother graciously answered every question he had and made his favorite snacks. 

“I am, Dora seems to be happy back in the country.” 

“She should have never left,” Andromeda couldn't help but snip. 

After Dora's previous declaration, Remus wasn't sure he could argue now. He glanced back over at them, noticing how Dora had collapsed on the ground with Teddy laying on-top of her. They were playing peekaboo, Dora making ridiculously exaggerated faces Remus couldn't help but smile at.

“I don't disagree,” 

She seemed surprised at his honesty, giving a skeptical raise of her brow. “You're not typically one to be so self-deprecating.” 

He couldn't help the laugh that came from that, finding some irony in her words. Remus doesn't think he's ever not been a deprecating person. “Her and Teddy both just seem to be a lot happier back in England.” 

“And you aren't?” She inquires. The upfront attitude she usually has with him seems to have dimmed, if only just slightly.

“My family being happy.. that makes me happy.” 

She gives a long hum to that, disbelieving but not harsh. Andromeda doesn't say anything for a long while, joining Remus on looking out at the park and their family. The mood hadn't been uncomfortable until she asked, “How has Sirius been?” 

The same feeling of shame comes back and Remus squirms uncomfortably like he's been caught doing something. She takes notice of this, shaking her head with a sigh. Remus doesn't even have the chance to respond or explain before she continues, “You've always had a penchant for this family.” 

He wonders how much truth there is to that, mind wandering to Regulus for a moment.

“I love my wife.” 

“You do.” She doesn't disagree and Remus can feel her stare heavy and hot. Unsettling. 

He feels 18 again, meeting Sirius' mother, Walburga for the first time. All heavy silence and judging eyes filled with obvious disapproval. That house was stifling, he remembers. Walls and floor cold, as cold as the family that resided in it. He tries to swallow but his throat is dry and he suddenly feels like he'll choke. Thankfully, she smiles and Remus is pulled from the memory, “I haven't visited him yet. Is he adjusting well?” 

“..He is. Sirius recently moved into a new apartment. He seems happy, back with James and everyone.” 

“And everyone,” She repeats. 

They don't talk after that, the sound of the birds above and families still strolling the only sound that passes between them. They both watch his wife, seemingly content in the companionable silence. As the seconds tick by, Andromeda asks, as if the thought just occurs to her,

“Is she the only person you love?” 

Her face is white as she asks, pale complexion gone lighter. Lips tight and eyes narrowed in front of her, glassy but still focused on Nymphadora and Teddy. 

Remus' silence is answer enough to her.

*****

James decided he needed to have a night out with his mates before the party. With Sirius being out of prison, it was the perfect excuse to get drunk and celebrate, according to James. Much to the dismay of one Lily Potter, worry evident in her argument. Obviously, no one pushed Sirius himself to drink, the subject still touchy for all of them. Sirius, surprisingly, was the one who pushed for the idea. Lily was still very against the entire plan but they went regardless of her approval or not. 

“Peteerrrr!” James cried, going to latch himself on.

Peter had finally been convinced to visit the other three. He hadn't moved far away or anything, but his job and demanding girlfriend kept him busy. The idea thrilled James to the point of crying. “The Marauders! We're finally back!” James continued to wail, switching from hanging off Peter to Sirius. 

Sirius couldn't stop laughing, James' drunken state just too amusing for him to hold in. He was raising an eyebrow at James, “Yeah mate? You happy now?” 

“So so so happy!” Blubbered James back, tears springing to his eyes the longer he looked at Sirius.”Missed you so-” He stopped to hiccup, “so muchh!” 

“And I you, Prongs,” Sirius replied, slapping him on the back the longer James clung to him. 

“And you!” James suddenly turned, facing towards Remus and catapulting himself to him. “I misses you Moonnnyy!” He shakes his head at Remus as if he was scolding a small child, “You can't run away anymore, no sir! You're staying here with us.” James finished, holding on to Remus' arm as if that would keep him in the country. 

Remus sent a 'Help me please' look to Peter and Sirius, but they both just snickered, shaking their heads. “Sorry mate, he's your problem now.” Peter snorted out. 

James was still hanging onto his arm, pulling it hard enough he felt like it would get dislocated. There was no bargaining with a drunk James, so Remus accepted his fate. James had always been one for affection when drunk, hugging and clinging onto whoever was closest; screaming as if touch-starved when someone tried to shrug him off. It was a habit that drove Lily up the walls when she had first discovered it. James had been switching between Remus and Sirius throughout the night, going on and on, sobbing about how much he missed the two. 

Remus had ordered another drink, strong and bitter. It wasn't something he typically liked to drink, but it was enough to get drunk on and Remus decided he needed that right now. James tried to steal it out of his hand, grabby and child-like.

“No!” Remus scolded, using the dad's voice he typically only reserved for Teddy. 

It wasn’t unkind, but stern enough to get the point across. James blinked up at him for a few seconds as if still registering being told that. He started to pout and released Remus' arm to cross his own. 

“Well my god, you did it, Remus!” Sirius barked out, laughing at the scene between the two of them.

Remus sighed and readjusted himself so he was sitting beside James again, “James, you can't expect to be a dad if you act like a child yourself.” 

He couldn't help but poke a little bit of fun at James, the teasing of becoming a new dad too easy; with him acting like a child currently.

“A dad?!” James suddenly exclaimed, sitting up in his seat higher and looking at the three in absolute horror. 

James sat still as stone, worry still marring his features as he mulled over the prospect of being a father. He started crying again and Remus couldn't help the suddenly worried look he exchanged with Sirius over James' back. “A dad!” He repeated again, tears springing back to his eyes. 

He clunked his head down onto the bar in front of them, shielding his eyes and face away from the trio. “I think you broke him Moony,” Sirius whispered, going to poke at James' sides. 

“No no, I'm so happy guys,” James mumbled out, raising his head. He rapidly looked between the three of them, eyes glistening and smile shining through. His eyes were puffy now, red and swollen looking.

Remus couldn't help the surprised laugh that left him, James' mood swings of fear and glee unexpected of him. James continued to monologue of the baby to be in his drunken haze. Spews of different names and doubts about being a good dad, before suddenly sprouting up again about how lucky he was to become one.

“You and Lily are gonna be great, you don't need to worry,” Sirius said, climbing back into the seat beside James while he was spewing of doubts. “You're gonna be the best dad there is! Well, maybe second to Moony.” Sirius added on, grinning in Remus' direction with a cheesy wink. 

James blubbered again at that, nodding frantically. “I know, I know! Remus!” James turned to him again, snot running and tears still sticking unattractively to his face. “Howd'ya do it? Teddys such a-” He paused, face turned up in strange angles as if searching for the proper words. Finally finishing with simply, “such a good kid!” 

Sirius nodded along to James drunken mumbles, smile contagious to Remus. Sirius was the only sober one of the four, James far gone and the drunkest of them all. Peter had never been good with alcohol, the lightest of them always. Remus had been comfortably tipsy, still aware of his surroundings, nowhere near as smashed as James had been, but enough that everything had an amusing edge to it. Words were looser in his mouth and he could feel the pleasant thrum of alcohol coursing in his veins and the airy feeling in his head.

“It wasn't me,” Remus finally replied, looking over to where James was still leaning on the bar. “We were lucky, Teddy's a good kid.” 

He hadn't realized he was also leaning loosely over the bar, arm hardly holding up his head. His smiles were coming easy, everything James said causing more laughter to erupt. The bar itself was rather quiet, it was a Monday night, patrons coming few and in between. Remus knew James was going to regret his decisions when he woke with a raging hangover in the morning.

Sirius swiveled towards him, shaking his head very seriously, “You don't give yourself enough credit, you're great with Teddy.”

Remus could hear the groan escape him, “No _Andromeda”_ he almost spat, “is good with Teddy.” 

James and Sirius' attention were brought back to him at the change of his tone. Remus couldn't help it, words loose and coming easily without thought. He didn't dislike her, not really, but their conversation still ran thick through his head. Her words circulating round and round like an annoying song he couldn't get out.

James propped his head up again, eyes losing some of the drunken haze and focusing on Remus' own, “Andromeda?” He mimicked, 

“She's just so!-” He broke off, something strangled between a sigh and a groan interrupting him at the thought. The words were slipping from his mind the more he tried to think on their encounter. A fluttering memory of Dora smiling with her mother made his lips clamp up. He wasn't sure what to make of the conversation at the park. Her last question seemed to always circulate around his head; every time he tried to think of an answer everything just got muddled, thoughts getting stuck. He wanted to say _no._ Offended she would even have to ask, but every time he tried to say so, the words wouldn’t come. A puddle of water about to overflow but wouldn’t, water hugging to the rim and refusing to budge over and spill.

He didn't know if he could deny it now, gazing back up at Sirius.

“So..?” Sirius prompted again, 

Sirius had such a look of intrigue, eyebrows drawn down and frown pulling at his lips. Concern was overtaking his features, twisting them until they looked silly. Remus felt the giggle bubble up through his throat, previous feelings of irritation forgotten, anxiety over the conversation waning. Sirius' expression smoothed into something soft, eyes going glossy the longer they looked at each other. The laugh was dying in Remus' throat, breath catching instead. 

James coughed, forced, before actually choking. He mumbled something under his breath Remus couldn't quite catch. Sirius only smiled back at James, rubbing his back until his coughs subsided. It was then Remus remembered Peter even being with them, guiltily looking past the other two to catch a sight of him. 

“Pete?”

He finally caught the others' eyes, strangely somber. Peter had always been quieter than Sirius or James, it's why Remus had originally been so drawn to him. They were similar in that sense, the second choice to either of them. But Peter was mousy and meek, easy to get along with, and agreeable. His eyes were glassy and his smile was wobbly, a little unsure as he looked at Remus. 

“Pete?” He repeated, 

“Yeah?” 

His voice was wet, catching on the single syllable. Remus wasn't sure if the alcohol was just making everyone more emotional tonight or if feelings were just running too high with the four of them together again. Regardless he asked, concerned, 

“You okay?” 

He didn't answer right away, eyes going back and forth between Remus' own and Sirius’. His eyebrows furrowed, worried, and confused. He opened his mouth about to say, before slamming it shut again. Remus could feel the confusion mirror in his own features before Peter finally replied,

“I'm glad you're both back, Moons.” 

He glanced back towards Sirius and Remus' eyes couldn't help but follow. He was laughing again, saying something to James that Remus couldn't hear at the moment. Sirius was still all sinfully sharp angles, jagged hard lines shaping his face. It was sharp but not _sick,_ like Remus had remembered him. His cheekbones weren't sunken in, more skeletor than human; purple bruises not blooming underneath his eyes. Bones weren't stuck out at odd angles, skin not stretched tight over bone and bruises. Sirius sought out his own eyes again and Remus felt embarrassed suddenly as if he was caught in the act of something. 

He turned back to Peter, flustered and red in the face. The same uncertainty was back on Peter's face, nervous and apprehensive. Remus didn't want to know what it meant. Why everyone seemed to share the same anxiety whenever they looked at him. 

“I am too.” Remus said finally, “I've missed you, lads.” 

** * **

“It’s more of a welcome home party, actually.” Lily said, eyes still focused on the planner in front of her. 

Remus sat with her at the Potters dining table, the tall bar stools creating creaks each time he moved. They were meant to be having their weekly dinners, family night, as James dubbed it. But Remus had come over early to help Lily prepare for this so-called party she was intending to throw. Although Peter and Melody were always invited, scarcely they came to these dinners; unlike Sirius who religiously came every week. 

“Welcome home party?” Remus repeated, nudging the paper to gain her attention. 

She only briefly looked up, before furiously scribbling something else down. Whether it was something to do with the catering or the rented high-tech speakers, Remus didn’t know. As Lily often did when tasked with big responsibilities, she went into high planning mode. Stressed and wanting everything to be perfect, which could lead her into some very sleep-deprived episodes. As much as Remus adored Lily, this side of her could be hard to deal with. She was an absolute nightmare during her wedding. 

“Well yes,” she said, as if it was obvious, “with Sirius being released from prison, it’d be nice to throw him a party as a celebration.” 

“A party almost eight months after he’s been released?” Remus asked and couldn’t help the deadpan from his voice. 

Lily looked up sharply at that, almost seeming offended Remus had voiced such a concern. She worried her lip for a moment before replying, “Well.. I didn’t know if he would be staying _out_ of prison.” 

Remus couldn’t blame her for that, in all honesty, understanding starting to dawn on him. He could feel his features unfurl into a grimace, despite his best efforts. She only nodded agreeably, an odd little frown unfurling onto her own face. Lily let a small sigh slip before she shook her head out, 

“Anyways, it’ll be a big welcome home party now that he’s settled back in. That’s why we’re hoping to have everyone. Any luck getting in touch with Regulus?” 

It was said so casually Remus almost didn’t react to the last of what she tacked on. The grimace that had been smoothing came back full force, mouth constricting into a wince. She didn’t look sympathetic for asking, meeting his gaze head-on and not budging until Remus finally squeaked out,

“Uh, not yet. I’ll try and contact him again soon.” 

It was a lie. He hadn’t made any advances to try and speak with him in the slightest and based on Lily's disbelieving expression, she knew that as well. She looked like she was about to press him on it, but thought better and scribbled something else down, eyes flashing forward and back on the page rapidly. James came in not long after, being tasked with making family dinner that night. He went on about his day, Remus glad for the change in conversation, helping out with the cooking here and there. 

By the time the two were done, spanish rice and fajitas steaming on the table, Sirius and Dora had arrived. The five were seated happily at the table outside, large enough to fit all of them comfortably. Teddy had begged to go to a beach again, Andromeda couldn’t have been happier to oblige, which was the cause of his absence at dinner that week. Sirius was shoveling food down as per normal, doggish in the way that he ate, only pausing to counter, 

“No James! Lily would be a Gryffindor, have you seen her when she gets angry?” He fake shivered as if thinking back on it. 

“But she’s all quick-witted and sharp words like Moony. Who, I will still argue, would be in Ravenclaw!” James defended good naturedly, eyes slightly glassy from the beer he was drinking. 

Lily didn’t have much of an opinion on the matter, the entire idea of fictional houses from a magical book series, silly to her. She did rather appreciate the praise from her husband though, a sly smile in place. Sirius looked completely offended on Remus’s behalf, the very thought of Remus not being a Gryffindor bordered insulting to him. 

“Have you seen _Remus_ angry?” He asked instead, “All courage and dare! No thoughts!” Sirius paused for a moment after that, “Although.. I don’t think I’ve ever won against him in an argument.” 

James looked satisfied at that, shining a cocky grin at Sirius as his argument was proved further. At a loss, Sirius looked to Dora, who had happily listened in on the conversation, “Well! Have you, Dora? One of us must have before?” He asks hopefully. 

“Can’t say I have..” She winced, looking over to Remus. “But! I do agree. Remus runs into dangerous situations, even once he’s thought them through, way too many times to be a Ravenclaw. No self-preservation, this one.” She finishes with a playful knock to Remus’ head. 

He wants to argue the point, but thinks back to his youth, and even more recent times in which that very thing has happened. The three look at him expectantly, as if really waiting to hear his own opinion on the matter. Remus can’t say he cares which house he’d be in, but knowing if both James and Sirius were with the lions, Remus would be as well. Instead, he laughs, 

“At the very least I’m all ‘quick-witted and ‘sharp words’, as James so adequately put.” 

Sirius sighs dramatically, slumping down into his chair, “That does not answer the question, Moons!”

“Not that it really matters!” Lily interrupts, making to stand and stack some of the dishes splattered around the table. “Whose on wash?” 

“Not me!” James pipes up, also slumping in his chair, “I cooked?” He defends, rather lamely and questioning. 

Lily turns to the rest of the table, eyebrow raised and expectant of an answer. Remus can’t help the smile, her motherly tendencies already showing. He stands with her, collecting some of the other plates, “I can wash, there aren’t many.” 

“You helped with cooking, Rem.” She says, glancing past him and at Sirius, awaiting. 

He quickly succumbs to her stare, standing and hastily adding on, “I’ll help! I can dry!” 

It isn’t long before the last of the plates are collected, remaining food zipped up and stored in the refrigerator for James or Sirius to devour at a later time. The other three’s compatible conversations flitter through to the kitchen, James’ laugh audible from all the way outside. The two are standing side by side, Remus’ hands wet and soaped up to mid arm as he scrubs at the dishes, chicken grease stubbornly sticking to the plates, before handing them over to Sirius to dry. Sirius knows the house better, having lived in it, so he easily slides plates and cups into their desired homes once clean. The Potters had a dishwasher until a little ago, a clumsy James and alcohol one night mending it broken. Lily assured they would have it fixed soon, but kept getting sidetracked with the party planning, which was under a gag order until the party happened.

“Which his CO, correctional officer,” Sirius explained after Remus’ confused glance, “completely freaked out at. But honestly, it was worth it, the guy was a total creep.” 

Hearing of Sirius prison stories was.. interesting, Remus decided. He didn’t dislike it, especially since the tales Sirius told were always fairly lighthearted, considering the subject. Remus handed another rinsed dish to Sirius, who took it without pause and started to dry it off. 

“I think he was stabbed to death not long after though.” Sirius said after, “That’s what happens with cases like his, surprised he wasn’t put in iso.”

Well, so much for light hearted, Remus thought a little sardonically. Still, he really couldn’t bring himself to mind the conversation. Content and strikingly familiar in its easiness to how they were before these very stories took place. Eyes intently trained on Sirius as he continued telling Remus of what his time there was like, moving on from one event to the next. He often brought up his cellmate, Parker, as Remus learned and his impeccable talent when it came to the arts. They were finishing up, Remus rinsing off the last of the silverware before handing it over when Sirius stated, 

“You never wrote.” 

It sounded recited as if Sirius had been preparing to say it for a while now. His eyes were trained on the spoon he was drying, but his posture was stiff, awaiting. Remus was surprised by the sudden change, gut-twisting in unease. He was drying his hands off, fingers gone pruned, and wrinkly by the water as he mulled over what answer he wanted to give. He wasn’t sure if this was the type of situation you lie or tell the truth in. He went with the latter. A little uncertainly, Remus finally said, 

“No, I just never sent them.” 

He looked up sharply at that, eyes strained and a little unfocused on Remus’ own. It reminded him of a younger, more naive version of Sirius still ingrained in his memory. They stared for a moment, terse silence only broken from the inaudible conversation outside. After what felt like a while, but was really only seconds, Sirius just smiled and shook his head. 

“..That’s just like you.” Sirius mumbled, his voice had gone rough, almost like speaking was painful to him. “I thought you hated me.” 

Never. It was such an unexpected and intrusive thought, Remus almost jumped in his own skin. But the clarity of it still rang true, as Remus’ eyes stayed trained on Sirius’ back, who had returned to placing the silverware back in the drawer. “For a while, I think I did,” Remus said instead, voice coming out steadier than he expected. 

Sirius turned at that, “I don’t blame you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tonks realizing she done fucked up
> 
> edit: the chapter title is the song 'high definition' by the waterparks. also won't have a new update for maybe 3 weeks, as I'll be traveling out of state );


	4. Tell Me How

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this song really vibes with remus throughout this entire series and the lyrics are extremely fitting for their situation. They resonate with a lot of characters throughout this chapter, but of course most importantly sirius 
> 
> Also thank you so much for all the sweet comments!!! <3 I never really know how to respond but please know I appreciate them all so much

The weather had been cooling slightly, not that it got very hot in England. Only hitting the high 80s on particularly hot days, compared to the sweltering summers in America. Hitting the 100s was a common thing most summers there. Remus didn't miss it, enjoying the comfort the cool weather brought him as it was right now. He vaguely wondered why all his uncomfortable phone calls had to be made in parking lots, thoughts drifting idly to the first time he spoke with Sirius.

There was no rain this time, no dramatic crackling of thunder as he screamed his lungs out. Only decaying asphalt with cracks splitting dangerously wide down the roads, potholes enough to jerk and jostle a car and its occupants. It was fairly empty as Remus was this far back in the parking lot, the 'Whole Foods' sign was just starting to light up, giving the privacy Remus was aiming for with this call. 

He had been waiting for a chance of being alone to make it, the opportunity of picking up the groceries for that week providing it. Remus had offered, as Andromeda was still graciously housing and feeding them for free. The line hadn't connected yet, which let his anxiety climb the longer he listened to the ring, before Regulus' voice finally rung out, 

_"Remus. You've finally called me back.”_

It wasn't answered with any of the friendliness a person would usually a call, but dry and awaiting. As if Remus had finally caved into a waited-out bet, except Remus doesn't remember making any sort of deal, feeling left out of some game he was unwillingly participating in. 

“I wasn't meaning to doge your calls, I've just been busy.” 

The lie was easy enough to slip out but Remus knew neither of them believed in it. It was obvious, as Regulus hummed through the line, noncommittal and disbelieving. 

“ _I was going to drop in unexpected soon if you hadn't called me back. How have you been?”_

“Fine. Everyone's been fine, just busy like I said.” 

Regulus didn't reply to that and silence overtook the line. The conversation was beyond awkward and Remus hadn't meant for his replies to be so short or curt, but he didn't know what to say much less act when it came to Regulus after all these years. It wasn't how Remus wanted the conversation to go and he could feel his resolve faltering, wondering if backing out of this plan would be a better idea. The line didn't stay quiet for long though,

“ _Remus, why are you calling?”_

It wasn't asked with the irritated edge Remus expected, but with amusement, a dark chuckle following after he asked. He wasn't sure what amusement was to be found in any of this conversation, feeling his stomach twist in unease again. Not needing to find some semblance of an answer before Regulus continued, 

“ _Maybe I should phrase this a different way. What do you want from me?”_

The guilt that suddenly cut through made him mutter out, “Why do you think I want something?” 

“ _You wouldn't be calling otherwise.”_

Despite his words Regulus didn't sound hurt still just amused with the entire conversation. They both knew what he said was true but Remus couldn't help cringe away from it. He didn't understand any motive Regulus had for saying it though, feeling like he was suddenly at a disadvantage in whatever game this was. 

“Sirius wants to see you. I'd like it if you came to this party at the Potters.”

“ _A party?”_

“They'll be holding it in August, it's to celebrate Sirius getting out.” 

Regulus laughed at that, “ _Isn't it a little late for a welcome home party?”_

“Will you come?” 

Remus could feel the exhaust settle in his skin, the entire conversation draining him of the little motivation he had to speak with Regulus to begin with. He didn't hate him or anything but their relationship was probably messier than even Sirius' and his. Remus couldn't deal with whatever pleasure Regulus was getting out of his apparent discomfort. 

“ _What would I be getting out of it?”_

“Seeing your brother.”

Regulus gave a huff at that, the comical tilt in his voice gone. The situation isn't as amusing as it first was, Remus can't be sure if that's a good thing or not. His voice suddenly went detached and bored with the conversation,

“ _That's not really a win for me.”_

“Regulus _please_ come.” 

Remus didn't know if he had any influence over Regulus' actions anymore, if he cared for any part of Remus, but he hoped for right now that he did. The silence over the line was only interrupted by some slight background noise on Regulus' end, but Remus could still hear his steady breathing. He didn't say anything for a long time and the breathing was the only assurance Remus had that he didn't hang up. 

“ _Okay, I will.”_

He couldn't help the sigh of relief that left him, letting the air he hadn't realized he was holding finally leave his lungs in a rush. The high of getting Regulus to agree quickly came down, guilt unfurling in his chest. Remus knew he wouldn't be on this phone-call had Sirius not wanted to see his brother again. Guiltily he asked,

“.. Where have you been?” 

“ _You're concerned now, after all these years?”_

The amusement was back in his voice and Remus suddenly wondered if that was some form of defense, instead of a game like he originally thought. Maybe Regulus had also changed. But that idea was quickly wiped away as he mocked, 

“ _Will you come see me if I tell you I've been in a dangerous place? It'll make seeing Sirius more worthwhile if you give me your time.”_

“He's different now, Sirius is plenty worth your time.”

“ _You'd think that, wouldn't you?”_

Remus didn't say anything to that, feeling his defense of Sirius fall on deaf ears. He didn't want to play this game anymore, they were both too old for it. Remus could feel the frustration build in his chest swallowing the guilt at Regulus' disregard for whatever he would have said. 

“I'll text you the details then? Bye.” 

He didn't wait for a response before hanging up. 

** *  **

“For real? He's coming?” Lily asked, 

The two were in Andromeda's kitchen, having brought in the dishes from lunch. The entire group was there, Sirius finally coming to visit his older cousin. Remus almost had a stroke the first time Sirius tried to explain his family tree to him. He nodded trying to not grimace recalling the conversation with Regulus. Lily helped, easily distracting him with throwing her arms around his neck after dropping her share of dishes on the counter. She laughed happily, spinning them in circles whilst still clinging to him. 

“Oh thank you, thank you! Sirius is going to be so happy!”

The schoolgirl-ish glee Lily was exhibiting was very out of character for her, but happiness was a good look on anyone, especially Lily. The warmth from her made the phonecall with Regulus almost worth it. She didn't push on how their conversation went only asking, 

“Has he been okay?” 

Remus wasn't sure, thinking back on the vague answers Regulus gave in regards to his whereabouts. So he said as much, “I think so.” 

She released him after that, only to give him another big smile, thanking him again before scurrying out of the kitchen with a skip in her step. Remus trailed after albeit slower, joining the rest of the group at the table outside. Andromeda had many living spaces in her yard, full couches and dining tables nestled under colorful umbrellas and shade covers. The group was sitting in a large gazebo that had a pepper tree covering half of it, the scent bordering overwhelming. Everything about her house screamed wealth. 

“She was the cutest little thing! It had just been so lonely in the house without Dora here so I almost brought her home.” Andromeda was finishing, pausing the story to sip her lemonade, “But she had a name engraved on this pink collar, so I ended up taking her to the shelter. I couldn't take her away from a family if she had one.” 

“I really couldn't imagine you with a cat either,” Dora said after, face scrunched up as if trying to picture it.

“I've had a soft spot for them after Sirius' little kittens, the litter.” Andromeda replied before turning to him, “Whatever happened to the little things?” 

Sirius turned to her confused before recognition lit his features, “I don't know about a litter, but we had two of the kittens. Theo and..” He trailed off as if searching for the name, mouth upturned and eyebrows screwed down twisting his features.

“Boris.” Remus supplied, finally settling back in his own chair.

“Right! Theo and Boris, I couldn't keep them after Walburga found out about them, you know how she was terribly allergic to cats.” 

“Terribly,” Andromeda replied dryly with a roll of her eyes, 

“They stayed with Moony for a while before finally going to Peter, actually.” Sirius suddenly sat up straighter, looking between Remus and James, “Does he still have them?” 

Remus hadn't thought about the two cats in so long, forgetting about them completely until they were just brought up again. Sirius had found the two back when they were way younger, around 13 or 14, so he was surprised Sirius remembered them, much less Andromeda. 

“One of them yeah, “ James recalled, “Boris was the black cat right? The other one, Theo, died a year or so back I think.” 

Sirius frowned at that and Remus could feel the action mirrored on his own face. He hadn't thought of the cats in so long, but they were still a part of his childhood he remembered fondly. Sirius had begged to keep them when they first found the two cats on the street, almost starved to death and covered in flees. The two spent months nursing the kittens back to health, stealing money for vet visits, and shoplifting the cat food. 

The somber moment was interrupted by Teddy who was nestled previously on Dora's lap, sleepily listening in to the conversation before catching sight of Remus. He suddenly sprung up, startling Dora in his haste to tumble off her lap. 

“Such a daddy's boy.” Dora huffed out with a slight laugh following, “Do you mind Rem?” 

Remus only shook his head in reply, holding out his arms for the toddler Dora was carrying towards him. She plopped Teddy down in his lap, leaving a parting kiss to both of them before returning to her own seat. Remus smiled up at her before catching Sirius' own eyes, smile suddenly turned sour at Sirius' expression. He was smiling at the scene but it was with blatant hurt, quickly turning his face away from Remus, eyes seemingly downcast as he continued the conversation, 

“Always took you for more of a dog person though! I always thought I was before those cats happened.” 

He followed it with a laugh but it sounded forced, too high-pitched to come off as natural. The guilt settling in Remus' stomach wasn't unfamiliar, clawing up his throat and at his skin, unease burning through to his fingertips. He couldn't help scratching at his hands in an attempt to rid it, dull fingernails doing little damage. Teddy wound his small hands with his fathers, glaring up at him with all the disapproval a toddler could manage.

“I paint Daddy's nails!” 

Remus couldn't help the shaky laugh at that, squeezing Teddy's hand back. “Sure.” 

“I have some in my vanity in our room,” Dora said easily, holding out her hands for Teddy again. 

Remus plopped Teddy back into her lap before making his way back into the house. 

** *  **

Andromeda's house truly was a maze to Remus when they first arrived. Long wooden hallways with seemingly millions of doors on each side of the walls, dim overhead lights that hardly shone through the darkness. 

The worst was probably the creaking wire stairwell, spiraling high enough to leave even a fit person panting and wheezing for breath. 

Even after staying here these few weeks, Remus would often have to back-track his steps to find which room he was at. Hence why he was so surprised to find Sirius easily waltzing into Dora and his shared bedroom. Remus couldn't help the startled jump at his sudden appearance, feeling his heart rate jack and skin go shiny with sweat. 

“Jesus Sirius!” 

“Didn't mean to startle you.” 

He gently wound his hands around Remus' wrists that had flown up in defense and lowered them back to his sides, soothing small circles into the skin there. Sirius' hands were warm, contrasting against Remus' iced skin and causing the familiar pain of pins and needles up his arms. He shivered at the continued touch. The contact was probably nothing more than friendly but Remus shook it off anyways, stepping away and turning back towards the vanity he was about to riffle through. 

“How did you get up here anyways?” Remus asked, opening the first few drawers in search of the nail polish he promised Teddy. “I still get lost in the hallways.” 

Remus could hear him take a few steps back and then a small clunk against the wall where he could imagine Sirius nonchalantly leaning against it. Glancing back at him, he was right. 

“I used to sneak out here when mother was being crazy and you were busy, Andromeda always kept me company.” 

“I thought you went to James' house when that happened,” Remus replied, trying to focus on his search. He opened a few more drawers but still couldn't find anything, wondering briefly if Dora had moved it and forgot. 

“I did..” Sirius trailed off before finally, “Sometimes it was easier to talk to someone who had also lived through it?” His tone was questioning as if he was asking Remus for the answer to his past actions. 

Remus hummed, “It's hard to explain what the Blacks are like without having experienced it.” 

“Exactly..” Sirius sighed and then much quieter, “I'm sorry you had to.” 

He looked back at him for a moment and wasn't surprised at the now stiff posture Sirius had, arms crossed and a grimace set in place, twisting his features tight. Remus laughed, a little sadly, “Sorry for which Black experience? You or your mother?” 

“How about Regulus?” Sirius bit out suddenly.

Remus turned fully at that but Sirius just turned his head away, guilt overtaking his features. He hadn't been expecting that and could feel the panic wrap around his throat, wondering how much Sirius actually knew, saying that. Remus could feel his breath catch in his lungs each time he tried to inhale, causing his vision to swim, objects blurring together. _He knows._

“..What?” 

It came out breathless and slow, Remus still struggling to have proper function over his lungs. Sirius finally turned back, eyebrows furrowed.

“You tell me?” he asked, “Everyone seems to be on a gag order the second he's mentioned.” 

Remus couldn't help the laughter that bubbled over then, lungs screaming in protest at the action. Panic was still seeping into him but he couldn't help but laugh, mania at the entire situation escaping through fits of giggles. Whiplash from the panic suddenly halting with Sirius' question. Remus could feel the tears finally fall and he wasn't sure which emotions they were from, overwhelmed, and still anxious he let them be. Covering his mouth as if to stop the sound from escaping or maybe to stop him from spewing the truth. 

“Remus, what the hell?” Sirius yelled,

He could feel the shove at his shoulders and it quickly sobered him, laughter dying in his throat. He could feel his chest overworking, panting for breath, and jacking his heart-rate up again, face sticky from tears. Remus hadn't even realized he doubled over until he straightened out, breaths coming easier now that his lungs weren't bent at an odd angle. 

“Did he do something to you?” Sirius suddenly asked, panicked. 

Remus could see him again, alarm and worry marring Sirius' attractive features, twisting them strangely. His hands were on Remus' again, warm touch almost sobering him out of panic and grounding him enough that Remus registered his words. That only made him want to laugh again because the very idea of _Regulus_ being the one to do something to him was so far off and _wrong._

“ _No.”_ Remus almost shouted, suddenly horrified Sirius would even think that.

“Then what?” He pleaded, voice getting strangled with emotion. 

“Nothing! Regulus didn't do anything to me!” Remus defended, “Why would you say that!”

He could tell he was shouting now, emotions still on too much of a high to care. The prospect of Sirius hinting that he might know what happened between them caused such anxiety to well up inside Remus. That panic waning and fading into disbelief that Sirius would ever accuse his brother of something like hurting him. Guilt choking him up again, keeping the truth clamped deep deep down where it settled in his stomach, thrashing around angrily inside.

“Then why won't anyone tell me!” Sirius argued back,

He was shaking Remus now, wrists still secured in his grasp. Remus couldn't feel the warm comfort that he previously had in Sirius' hands, his touch turned searing and painful. Remus shook his hands free, stepping back, “Stop.” 

Sirius looked desperate now, eyes searching and pleading. It brought too many memories surging back for Remus, having to take another step back. He couldn't look at him, turning back to the vanity and looking through it again in excuse. Remus could still feel Sirius there, eyes still burning into the back of his head, steady breathing accompanying his own ragged breaths.

He could hear footsteps retreating, thinking he was about to leave before he heard the creak of the bed. Remus chanced a quick glance towards him and saw Sirius patiently sitting on the bed, obviously awaiting to finish that conversation. 

Remus resolutely turned away again and continued searching, looking under various papers and other cosmetics. He was surprised when Sirius said a while later,

“I'm surprised you remembered those cats.” 

“..Why?” 

“Oh, you just-” Sirius stumbled over his words, clumsy now that the topic changed, “You didn't hang out with us much back then. You had all those girlfriends that year.” 

Remus furrowed his brows at that, before remembering. It was the year he found out he liked boys and buried those feelings with various girlfriends in an attempt to rid them. He cringed at the memory, having almost forgotten about it. Remus only really remembered the cats that year, not even able to recall any of those girls' names. 

“I remember the cats. Boris reminded me of you.” 

Remus shut the last drawer on the vanity before finally seeing the nail polish _on top_ of it. He wanted to groan at that, seeing the small bottle of purple and blue and red sitting innocently by the mirror. 

“Theo reminded me of you. I think that's why I liked him better.” Sirius laughed out, still a little awkward. 

Remus hummed, picking up the blue bottle before turning back to Sirius. He was grinning but it still held an uncomfortable edge to it, eyes a little glassy from the previous argument. “Theo was also a little biter, that reminds you of me?” Remus teased, trying to ease back into their regular interactions.

Sirius laughed at that, “Yeah actually.” 

“Ha-ha.” Remus replied dryly, he knocked Sirius on the head as he passed, “Let's go back down now.”

“..Okay.” 

** *  **

“Everything is coming along perfectly!” James cheered, eyeing the paper.

“Almost perfect...” Lily mumbled in reply, scratching something out on said paper. 

The three were back at the Potters dining table, working on the planner Lily had so painstakingly put together after many hours of dedication on her part. James and Remus agreed on the planner but not on the hour-to-hour schedule for the party itself. The battle was long fought, but the duo eventually convinced her letting people enjoy the party was for the better. August was coming closer and closer, with it came the party and the wedding. 

Remus stressed more on the party than even Lily, but for other reasons. No, he wasn't stressed about having the main course be ready on time with the appetizers or having the perfect playlist. But seeing Regulus again after the interaction with Sirius was enough to have Remus planning an early flight back to the states. 

“Melody wants to bring _how many_ friends?” James asks, eyes growing large the longer he stared at the page. 

“I know, I know.” Lily groaned out, covering a section on the planner as if that'll will the number away.

“Do they even know Sirius?” James sighs to himself, sliding into the stool beside her. 

Remus raised an eyebrow at the circled estimated cost at the bottom of the page, “You sure you don't want help with some of the expenses?” 

Lily smiled at that but shook her head only glancing up at him, “You're sweet but no. It's something we want to do for Sirius ourselves.” 

“A very expensive thing we want to do for Sirius.” Sighs James, frown pulling at his mouth the longer he looks at the cost. Remus can hear the kick Lily gives him before he says, “But something we want to do nevertheless!” 

Remus laughs at that and James joins in before suddenly turning sincere, eyes going a little wet, “Really though, I'm proud of him. I want to give him moments in life that he's missed.” 

“You already have, love.” Lily interrupts, rubbing a gentle hand up and down her husband's back. 

James laughs a little embarrassed and sheepish, giving a grateful smile to his wife before turning back to Remus. “It's all thanks to Moony though!” 

“Cheesy much?” Remus teases, but he still smiles at the two.

“You know we love you.” Lily teases back, tongue sticking out.

Remus knows he'll miss the warmth of friendship and more than that, of family, when he goes back to the states. He suddenly doesn't feel as nervous about the party looking at the two of them animatedly talk and plan it, but of what comes after. Remus doesn't know if he can take the heartbreak of leaving everyone again, understanding the frustration on Dora's face those weeks ago. His thoughts turn to Sirius, who he can see anytime he wants now, faltering on that thought. Sirius was still a difficult subject Remus didn't know how to categorize or breach. 

Couldn't understand or fit into a box-like he could with the rest of his feelings. They had too much history between them for Remus to say their old school friends. His feelings and actions with Sirius didn't fit the same way they did with Lily or James or Peter. If anything, Remus could see his feelings about Sirius corresponding with Dora. Their past relationship still a heavy stain on their current one, guiding old habits into current actions. But even then, where he could clearly see and differentiate different feelings for her, he couldn't for Sirius. 

Thoughts and feelings getting muddled, unable to be observed, and understood from a safe distance; they kept getting swept away and caught in a downward spiral of _no._ His mind refusing to let him even think about emotions tied to Sirius, much less understand them. 

Phantom memories coming up every time he tried, making him falter with anxiety like it did every time it came to Sirius. Hesitance suffocating his every move and action and thought. The only things Remus could make sense of were thoughts and feelings regarding Sirius, were _always_ riddled in pain. 

It hung to every inch of him, a fog that wouldn't clear or leave, casting everything in its cloudy incoherence. Hurt was so engraved in their past and present, Remus couldn't see a future outside of it. 

“Can you two grab the paint? I want to get started on the banners.” Lily says then, 

It felt sudden when she asked, making Remus jump in his seat a little. She raises an eyebrow but doesn't question him, still only smiling warmly. Familiar and motherly in her expressions and actions, it makes Remus' heart ache the longer he looks at her. 

** *  **

The three of them going out had been less awkward than Remus had originally thought it would be. Instead, Dora and Sirius were the ones who mainly led the conversation, jumping from one topic to the next. He had failed to notice how similar both of their personalities were, _dogs_ coming to mind as he watched them converse. Remus swore he could see a tail wagging from behind both of their chairs, as Sirius went on about a literal food fight that had happened during his sentence.

“Oh! Speaking of, Remus,” Sirius abruptly said, stopping to search for something in his jacket, “Here you go! Parker made it for you.” 

He softly dropped something small and wrapped on the table in front of Remus, wolfish grin overtaking his features as he awaited Remus to open it. Remus raised an eyebrow, “Parker knows who I am?” 

Sirius flushed at that, embarrassed all of a sudden. Dora gave a pointed cough, which Sirius startled at before saying, “Yeah! Uh – well, I talked about you a bit while I was in there. He was my cellmate for a while so – anyways, I write to him still and so he made that for you!” 

“Oh,” Remus replied, rather lamely. He didn't really know what to say to all of that, but it caused a warmth to spread through him, letting a small but genuine smile slip. “Tell him thank you for me then?” 

Sirius nodded and the thought of dog came back to Remus, wild hair flapping about with how aggressive he moved his head. Excitedly he prompted, “Well open it!” 

Remus did as told, unfolding the loosely wrapped paper carefully. He jumped a little, surprised at the contents inside, almost thinking it real if not for the size. Gently holding the string he noticed attached to the top he held it out, displaying the paper spider to the rest of the table. 

“How..?” Remus asked, still looking at the very realistic spider. 

Sirius grinned very proudly, “It's made mostly of coffee filters wrapped tightly and molded to other pieces. The paint is from reapplying coffee stains over and over. Parker gets really creative with the material he uses, I've watched him make smaller stuff and it takes him days.” 

The spider was a medium-size, filling up the palm of Remus' hand when he placed it back down; careful the string doesn't get tangled with the long legs of the spider. He smiled back over at Sirius, a new appreciation for the gift, “Really, tell him thank you for me, I love it.” 

“How did he get the filters that smaalll!” Dora pipes up, leaning over the table and quizzically looking at the spider. She scrunches one eye up as if looking through one will get her a better view, before switching eyes and trying again. 

“No idea, I was never nearly as good at it as him!” Sirius laughs, 

“You made stuff like this?” Remus asks, placing the spider back into the wrapping but not closing it, still appreciating the craftsmanship from the almost stranger Parker was. 

“Not like that no,” Sirius shakes his head gravely but he's still smiling despite it, “But some lower quality things.” 

“You should have sent them to us!” Dora pouts, settling back down into her seat. “I would have loved anything you sent me. I got like one letter!”

Sirius shrugs at that, “We didn't get that stuff for free at the prison I was at,” He waves in a vague gesture, “Stationary was expensive.” 

“It's a good thing you can just call now then.” Dora said instead, “I expect phone calls when we got back to America, you know!” 

He goes stiff at that, smile dropping and eyes falling downcast. Sirius glances up and Remus catches his own eyes where they stay on each other. “Right.. you guys are leaving soon, huh?” 

Remus wouldn't have answered, so he doesn't mind when Dora does, “We'll be back! Probably sooner than everyone thinks.” 

He breaks eye-contact then, but Remus isn't sure who did first, both of them going to stare at Nymphadora. Remus can feel his eyes narrow in warning, but she just smiles innocently at the both of them before sipping her tea. Neither telling or deluding of further information. Sirius seems like he's about to press the issue further before she muses aloud, 

“This tea shop was so good! It's so close to the university, I'm surprised it's not busier right now.”

Remus had finished his own tea already, understanding starting to dawn on him as she said that, looking directly at him. Dora had been pushing he look into universities around this area for quite some time, offering up different names. He hadn't thought much about it, until this moment. Remus could feel the sigh building in his throat but bit it down. 

“Lupin?” 

Remus turned at the foreign voice and to the call of his name. He caught eyes with a petite woman, black hair pulled up alarmingly tight and face alight with recognition Remus couldn't match. He heard Dora whisper, “Who is that?” Before the woman was running over, iced coffee threatening to spill with each click of her heel. 

“Remus, that is you!” 

She stopped in front of the table and Remus finally recognized the familiar shape of her face, sharp angles, and aristocratic eyes, still a secured memory in the back of his mind paired with her American accent. “Alice?”

She gestured wildly to herself, “Uh, that's me!” 

In a whirlwind Remus could hardly keep up with, her iced coffee was placed on the table, he had been hauled out of his chair and into a hug, then planted back down with her sitting next to him. 

Alice was smiling brightly at him, shiny teeth in perfect rows, friendly if not a little intimidating. She sipped her coffee and caught sight of Dora, squealing in delight, “Tonks! How are you?” 

Dora looked over to Remus still confused, clearly not remembering Alice. They had only met the few times, most of what Alice knew about Dora was second-hand through Remus. “I'm great!” Dora finally replied, seemingly going with the conversation despite it.

“Are you two married now?” Alice gushed out, turning back to Remus.

Dora spoke up instead, “We are! So not really a Tonks anymore.” 

“Oh how cute! You don't go by Lupin, do you? Your first name is slipping my mind right now,” She rubbed at her temples as she said this as if trying to will the name back into her mind. 

“Its Nymphadora, but I just go by Dora.” 

“Pretty!” Alice said, “It's been so long you two.. or three?” She corrects, glancing over to Sirius. “I hardly recognized Remus.”

They had met in an extremely embarrassing way for Remus, bits, and pieces of memories coming back to him the longer he looked at Alice. She was way different then, black hair cut short and very quiet. The contrast of her personality from back then to now almost gave Remus whiplash.

He could still smell the reminiscence of cheap beer and the taste of bile in his mouth from the house party they both met at. It was one of the few times he went to a party through his years of university, but Alice had stuck to him throughout the remainder of their Sophmore year. Probably something to do with their equally introverted personalities back then that caused them to stick together, similar to Pete, Remus now realizes.

It was embarrassing, because Remus, drunk, high, and heartbroken saw Alice; dark-haired and similar features to a young Sirius. The first time they met, Remus sobbed all over her thinking Sirius magically had his sentence revoked and came all the way to New York for him. He threw up all over her shoes that night but Alice still took care of him. 

They weren't the best of friends, no, but they sat in companionable silence through all-nighters, studying at the library or at coffee shops quizzing each other if they shared the class. Remus learned she was also an education major, so their schedules often overlapped. They would sit in classes together, sharing notes, and debating different topics for a wider outlook.

Remus vaguely remembers nights they would get drunk off of cheap vodka and Remus would spill his guts about Sirius, sob about his addiction and the first date they went on, how their friend group fell apart when he went to prison, the first time Sirius and him had sex. Every embarrassing and minuscule detail from their childhood and relationship would be shared with Alice. Remus could remember panicking the first time Alice was the one who drunk cried, going on about her own unrequited love. He didn't know what to do, often just listening to her drunken rambles, never pressing for details on the girl she cried over. They shared the solace of each other's loneliness through those hazed out nights. 

“I didn't recognize you at all, you've changed so much.” Remus countered, gesturing to her. 

“What?” Alice laughed, “The hair or the personality?” 

“All of it, but mainly the personality.” 

Alice grinned at that, full of teeth. Her hands were rested on the table propping her head up. She looked smug and leaned in as if about to reveal a big secret. “It's 'cause I got with the girl.” 

Remus could feel the confusion spread throughout his face, wondering if his drunken memory served him right and if that's what she was referring to. “The girl?” 

She nods, “The girl, Sam! A little out of uni, we got together. I didn't think it would happen of course but.. here we are.” Alice laughs as if she told a joke, spreading out her hands. “Wouldn't have happened without all the drunk venting!”

Remus lets out a surprised laugh at that, genuinely happy they got together. Although the memories are covered through the drunken haze, he can still remember her pining for hours after the girl, Sam, he now remembers. 

“And you got the boy..?” Alice questions, turning to Sirius. “Sirius, right?” 

Remus coughs on air, spluttering as she looks over to him. As much as he also drunk rambled, she should have not been able to pick out Sirius from a random person he was sitting with. He looks at her surprised and alarmed, not sure what Alice is willing to say of their past. She catches Remus' eyes and smiles, waving her hand as if to say 'don't worry about it'. Hard to do when she already sent Remus' brain into overtime, alarm bells going off rapid-fire. 

“An old college friend, I assume?” Sirius asks,

“Correct assumption!” Alice replies, reaching out to shake Sirius' outstretched one across the table. “But not on my part, it seems.” 

Sirius furrows his brows and tilts his head, question on the tip of his tongue before Dora speaks up again, “Nope! Still has the girl.” 

Her voice is tight when she says it, hostility a foreign look on Dora's face and voice. Remus hadn't expected her to pick up on that bit of conversation, but he assumed it was easy enough to connect the dots just knowing Remus and Sirius' past. 

Alice just smiles in apology, not seeming sympathetic in the least. Quickly Remus asks, changing the subject, “Why are you in England, are you visiting?” 

Shaking her head she says, “Nope! I live here. Teach at the university.” Alice jabs her thumb back towards the school in example. “I didn't know you moved back to England yourself Remus.” 

“Oh no, I didn't. We're just visiting, we still live in the states.” 

“Wow! We switched places, ha.” Alice laughs out in reply, “Did you stick with education?” 

Remus nods, “I did. We're still in New York, I'm just teaching there now.”

She lets out a low whistle, “Damn. Still N-Y-U?” 

“Mh-hm never needed to learn where the buildings were.” 

Alice laughs at that, seeming content with the given answers. The conversation was easy, easier than when they were young even. Her personality used to be painfully introverted, it made any form of conversation almost impossible. The change in attitude was nice on her and she seemed overall happier. 

“How long have you taught here, Alice?” Dora suddenly asks, drawing both of their attention. 

She hums, thinking over her answer before, “Just about two years now. They were super understaffed so I had an easy time with hiring!” She sipped her coffee before continuing, “.. still are actually. Anyways, why?”

Dora turns back to Remus, ignoring Alice's question altogether. She gives him a smug little smirk, raising her eyebrow as if to say 'see?' before letting out a quiet humph. Remus can't help but laugh at his wife's childish antics, shaking his head fondly at her. His attention is again brought back to Alice, a loud ringing erupting from her purse. She quickly digs through it, face lighting up in a smile when she looks at the caller before sending it to voicemail. 

“Sorry guys, I need to get going now,” Alice says, standing with her phone still held in front of her and turning to Remus. “Your number?” 

** *  **

Dora had gone up ahead after Alice left and the three were getting ready to depart themselves. She said she wanted to check through an art gallery that was downtown, insisting she would be fine herself. Despite the recent anxiety Dora seemed to have over Remus and Sirius' relationship, she still pushed them into hanging out with one another. Remus decided he hated it. 

“She seemed.. nice,” Sirius said not pausing their stride. 

They had been walking through the park that wasn't too far from the tea shop they were just at, peacefully strolling through the shaded pavement that lined the grass. It was another scenery park, more trees, and picnic spots than actual playgrounds. Not surprising, considering it was so close to the university and town, college kids were seen scattered about.

“Nice?” Remus prompted further, smiling slyly at Sirius' word choice. 

“Not someone you would have hung out with.” He says instead, returning Remus' smile with a sheepish one of his own. 

“You're right, she isn't. If she was like that back then, I probably wouldn't have. It's like being around an extreme James all the time.” Remus fake shivers at the thought of that, prompting another laugh out of Sirius. 

“So she wasn't like that back in university?” 

“Nah, the complete opposite. Hardly spoke a word actually, really mellow.”

Sirius gives a noncommittal hum to that, slowing down slightly to look down into the fountain, “So how'd she know who I was?” 

“How did Nel?” Remus counters, turning to look down at the coins in the fountain as well. The metal of the silver caught in the sunlight creating a pretty shine under the water's surface. He was tempted to throw in his own coin and hope for a wish but felt a little silly at even the idea.

Sirius flushed red at that, turning his face up and away from Remus' own, “Mentioned you in passing, I guess.” 

“And I mentioned you to Alice in passing, I guess.” Remus laughed out, settling down on the wide-rim surface of the fountain. Sirius playfully hit his arm in retaliation before joining him on the rim, close enough that their thighs pressed together. Remus learned when they were younger, Sirius never had boundaries when it came to touch. Despite how James acted drunk Sirius was truly the one who grew up touch-starved and it showed in his actions – growing up and now.

“Is Eleanor.. like you?” Remus asked, 

He hadn't meant for the question to come off so cautious but he could still remember the hostesses' strange behavior. Eyes far too frenzied to be completely sober, Remus had thought back then. She carried herself with an unsettling edge that he can still picture, which lead him to wonder if she was really the great person Sirius always claimed she was. He looks confused by the question, but not mad, 

“Like – a previous inmate?” Sirius asks,

Remus nods humming out a careful answer, "Is she?" 

“Yeah? We had similar charges actually, I think that's why we clicked so fast.” 

That only adds to the previous suspicion Remus had been building about her in his head, symptoms which Remus thought were drug use paired with a drug background didn't really add up well for her. He worries his lip thinking over if he really wants to breach the subject though, not wanting to start _another_ argument in their peaceful atmosphere. It's not his place to doubt Sirius' own sobriety nor does he. But the worry still nags at the back of his brain, old habits causing distrust to settle in his mind. Instead, he says, 

“I'm glad, you guys seem like good friends.” 

“Well she's no you,” Sirius replies bumping their shoulders together and keeping them pressed, “But she's pretty great.” 

“But no one beats me, right?” Remus counters dryly, 

“No one in the world.” 

He doesn't say it with the playfulness Remus expects of the conversation, causing him to catch his eyes again. It isn't hard, Sirius' trained intently on Remus' face. He's being sincere right now, eyes searching rapidly through Remus' own. He hadn't noticed Sirius' hand coming towards his face until its gently placed atop it. Fingers still calloused and rough against Remus' face like every other time he's touched him. He can feel his breath catching like it always does, weak in comparison to Sirius and he struggles to match the pace. Remus' skin feels tingly in the place Sirius is touching it, fire igniting underneath and spreading throughout his cheek. 

Sirius' eyes scrunch closed as if in pain, as he removes his hand, turning back towards the park. Remus is left staring at his profile, still caught up in the feeling of Sirius skin on his own, before finally realizing he's been left gaping like a fish. Remus is still searching Sirius' face, expression stiff, lips gone white, and eyes intently trained on something far out in the distance. His posture is suddenly rigid, hands balled so tightly into fists he can see the white of Sirius' knuckles, skin stretched tight over bone.

Remus doesn't say anything, turning away and joining him on looking back out onto the park. His breaths still feel a little uneasy and he doesn't understand why it's like he was just _rejected._ Heart-rate still rocketing but plummeting with all the force of a collapsing skyscraper.

“.. It's hard to be around you sometimes.” 

Is all Sirius says when they finally speak again, having left the fountain and are nearing the edge of the park. The sound of birds were starting to fade out for the sound of the city, lively chirps exchanged for the blaring of car horns, squealing children changed to screaming pedestrians. Their pace is leisurely, still edging out onto the sidewalk of the city before Remus turns down the park path again. 

As much as Remus loathes to focus on his feelings regarding Sirius, he isn't stupid. He knows that neither of them sees each other as just friends, they've been through too much to even consider that. Remus also knows the depth of their feelings go beyond mere friendship. But the complexity of their relationship can't come down to being in love with each other either. They don't get that option. 

“Should we stop this then?” 

Remus doesn't look at Sirius when he asks it, fearing any answer he would get. Words boldly tumbling out of his mouth before he can think them through, decide what answer he wants. He doesn't expect Sirius to lace their hands together, so the touch of his skin almost burns against Remus'. His voice is wet when he says,

“I never want to lose you again.”

Whatever words Remus would have wanted to say, die in his throat. Airways closing up around swallowed desires. Despite what Sirius' wants, he isn't sure they can keep going like this. It's dangerous and painful and everything about them feels _wrong_. Wrong to everyone around and themselves.

Even knowing that Remus squeezes Sirius' hand back, keeping them intertwined. He can feel the steady weight of Sirius' own hand, the once smooth skin rusted over with age, consistent and comforting in his own. They swing gently between them as they walk and the nostalgia burns in the back of Remus' throat like bile. 

** *  **

The cold sweat was still running down his back causing shivers to wrack through Remus' body. His hands felt icy as they softly wrapped on the front door; afraid of someone answering and afraid of it remaining shut. There were no lights on in the house, the garden sat unassumingly and practically harmless but Remus still felt eyes all over him, glancing back every few seconds in fear of someone standing there.

His chest was rising and falling rapidly, heart almost beating out of the rib cage that contained it. Again he knocked, a little louder and a single light flickered on at the back of the house. He could feel the panic rearing its head towards him again, legs wanting to run back but remaining locked in place. When the door eventually swung open the relief felt immediate for Remus, eyes hyper-focusing on James like a moth drawn to light. 

“Remus?” He asked, clearly just awoken. 

His hair was tousled and sticking up every other direction, glasses hastily placed upon his face and skewed sideways. Eyes still squinted with sleep but opening with alarm the longer Remus stared at him, panting and soaked with sweat. 

“Remus?” He asked again, opening the door wider. It was asked with more worry this time, concern coating his still sleep thicken voice. “What's wrong, are you okay?” 

The words still felt slow to Remus, everything playing out much slower than normal. He briefly heard the pattering of more footsteps further in the house, hurried and small like a child sneaking out. Lily stuck her head out moments later, strands of red hair visible over James' shoulder before she popped up beside him. More awake and alert than James she seemed, worry plastered over her face that matched her voice, 

“Hey, what happened? Are you okay?” Lily asks, opening the door fully to hug him. 

Her touch surprised him enough that he jumped, ice water being poured over his head and awakening him from whatever haze that was. Remus can't feel the skittering phantom touches on his skin anymore or the shadow eyes that follow his every move. Suddenly feeling very irrational for showing up unannounced at whatever time of night it was. He can feel his limbs shaking still, tremors still making their way up and down his body, but he hugs her back. Lily is so warm compared to him and he feels the exhaust from running now. 

“Really what's wrong? You're scaring me.” 

** *  **

Remus takes the offered cigarette steadily, taking a drag before passing it back. They're out in James' backyard now, back against the wall of his house and sitting on the floor like teenagers. The entire scene is very reminiscent to when they were younger, but there's no burn from the cigarette smoke after all these years. Age and life taking away the appeal of what they thought was teenage rebellion, nicotine a tame substance to them now. 

Smoke billows out in a white translucent cloud as James finish's his drag, passing it back to Remus again. He watches the burn of the embers for a moment, a flash of memory when Sirius used to put them out on his own skin. He takes another drag,

“I thought you quit.” 

James is uncharacteristically quiet, but Remus isn't really surprised after what happened previously. His eyes seem too serious for his juvenile face, grim in the artificial porch light. He takes the nicotine stick back, taking one final drag before stubbing it out on the concrete. The smoke he exhaled fades with the coming of dawn; light starting to just trickle into the horizon as the sun peaks its head out for the day.

“I did.” 

Remus shakes the pack of cigarettes still in his hand, curtsy of James. It's still full, so he doesn't think he's lying. Nestled away in some dresser, a temptation, and escape that's always there when you need it.

“I thought you could use one,” James says after a while, quiet and dull. 

He's still not looking at Remus, eyes trained far away on something. Lily had gone back in the house, convinced to sleep by the two of them. James stayed though and it made Remus feel so much younger than he was, flashes of their school days and petty fights. Remus' thoughts turn to Sirius, as they always do; coked up out of his mind, kissing him quickly because he was leaving again. He still doesn't know how to define Sirius, holding on to each other after childhoods and lifetimes pass. Bloodied lips pressed against white skin, half-spoken apologies, and easy forgiveness. Was there ever love found in string hastily wrapped around an arm or a needle breaching skin? 

“Are you going to tell him about Regulus?” James asks abruptly,

“I'll have to eventually.” Remus sighs in reply, wishing he could still feel the effects of lightheadedness nicotine brought when they were kids, “He'll be coming here soon enough, can't hide it then."

James hums at that, seeming noninterested in the answer. He finally turns then to Remus, eyes searching and desperate, _scared._ “You won't leave because of this, will you? You're not going to leave again?"

Remus expects to feel the guilt when he asks it, rush to assure him 'No of course not' but the words get stuck in his throat. His eyes scan James' shaking and nervous, genuinely worried about the answer he'll receive. His thoughts drift back to Sirius and he realizes the two shared similar expressions when they looked at him, always so apprehensive. He doesn't feel the guilt or panic like he feels he should. Washed out and empty, thoughts halting before they can truly form. 

“..No.” Remus eventually says. 

He isn't sure if he's lying or not but he's too tired for an argument that could spark. Saying what he knows James wants to hear, easy and agreeable right now. It doesn't look like he fully believes Remus, cause his eyes turn sharp and he turns to look out at the yard again, almost sulking. Remus can't handle the dramatic affair of earlier, doesn't want to bother with whispered confessions; rushed and breathless, adrenaline spiking like a runaway kid. 

Remus sucks in another long breath wishing it was the cigarette but he tosses the pack back to James who catches it clumsily. He feels suddenly hungover, head pounding, and face still sticky from salt. The world a little tilted but being too strung out to fully care. James clicks his tongue then, steadily standing up and dusting off from the cold concrete. 

He's glaring down at Remus, eyes hard and disapproving like the dad he's always been. Of the group and now to a future child, fatherly tendencies already blooming from a young age, Remus can't help but laugh at it. 

James' expression changes then, softening but he still looks mad and Remus' laughter dies because of it. 

"You can't always run away when people don't fit into that perspective you paint. We don't belong in boxes." 

It wasn't said mean or cruelly, no malice dripping from his tone meant to hurt. But James was assured when he said it, honesty and truth filling his stature meant only to inform. Remus knew that and said as much, defensive, "I know that I'm not putting people in them." 

"You put yourself in one." 

He didn't know what to say to that, mouth clamping up and shutting. The ache in his head was dulling but everything still felt too washed out to currently think; eyes focusing and unfocusing on James. 

"Let's go inside now Moony," James said after Remus didn't reply, hand held out in offer. 

Remus hated how weak it made him feel, coming here, but he took it anyway. Latching on the buoy thrown out to him, struggling to stay afloat in raging waters that collapsed around him. He didn't want to run, not again, he could feel that now. It didn't stop the shattered pieces of him from hurting, glass shards so small they were beyond repair, strings so attached to Sirius they would never be become untangled.

But as mangled as he feels when it comes to their relationship, when it comes to himself, healing and hurting, he doesn't want to lose it. Shattered pieces or not, they were still parts of him he couldn't lose, strings of Sirius so deeply intertwined they were parts of him now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you got the reference to who Boris and Theo are, ily forever. 
> 
> fun fact: the prison spider is based on a real gift I've received, from prison! 
> 
> also! next chapters we should have some Sirius POV and backstory!!! we be going back to their teen years


	5. Medicine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the chapter title is medicine from daughter, one of my favorite bands! <3 
> 
> i was really excited to write fluff for these boys since its back in their school days and then I remembered what fic this was. 
> 
> tw: child abuse and graphic drug use!!! also sexual themes mentioned! nothing graphic but

Perpetual screaming echoed throughout the walls audible from even the upstairs, bouncing off doorways and into corridors. Shouting loud enough to feel the walls shake and the floors rumble, shrill shrieks combating against even louder howls. Sirius would worry for the neighbor's ears, were there any, the secluded number 13 apartment standing alone in its wake. Lingering barren in the building complex like a stain one can't quite scrub out, eroding and old but still resilient in its place. 

Sirius' eyes half-hardly scanned the expanse of his frenzied bedroom, clothes he hardly wore piling up with the rest of the clutter, melting into the disarray that was his bedroom and life. The décor that was slowly taking over his room clashed horribly, worn posters fraying at the edges and dark mahogany dressers clashing in the most horrific of ways. Walburga had taken over to redecorating the house for the millionth time and with the new decorating came new furniture. Sirius' childhood bedroom slowly becoming morphed into a guest one or some kind of study. An easy enough hint that he soon wouldn't be welcome in the house. 

A crushed up baggy of Vicodin was still secured in the top drawer of his dresser and it was the last of the things he grabbed from his room. Shoving the few items he brought back home with him into a fraying backpack he had gotten as a gift from James. He favored it over any expensive or luxury item his parents had ever given him over the years. The shouting from below had finally started to cease, echos of it no longer bounding down the hallways and grading on Sirius' ever-living nerve. He quickly slipped out of his bedroom and down the hall, slamming his door to announce his presence on the way down the stairs.

The living room was almost as cold as the people residing in it, gaudy Victorian furniture that was too stiff to sit in and cryptic looking end tables that would snap with too much pressure. While expensive, none of it was to be used for practical and everyday life. It was a dollhouse with flashy wallpaper and ritzy china in the cabinets that shined. The occupants of the house were too inhuman to pass off as dolls though, as Walburga sat unnaturally tall and still on the love-seat. Orion was still pacing in front of the unlit fireplace, heavy footfalls thumping with every step of his large stature.

Sirius could feel his legs locking at the sight, muscles stiffening despite his want to flee from the room. Father wasn't home often and Sirius didn't know how to deal with him in result of that, unlike Walburga; easy enough to manipulate once you know where to push. When Orion eventually stopped pacing, Sirius looked away to the floor, eyes training on a single wooden slab. His breath caught when his father finally spoke, looming and thunderous in his words, 

“Do you know..” Orion started but stopped, taking a long inhale, “How much we spend for you to go to that school?” 

Sirius didn't reply. Jaw locking up with his legs, bated breath still waiting in his lungs for the verbal blow he knew would soon come. 

“To think you would further ruin your reputation with these ridiculous pranks!” Orion yelled, breath coming out strangle and furious, “A suspension for four days! Ha! You're lucky they tolerate you at that school because I _will not.”_

He was closer now, almost in Sirius' face and he could feel his fathers stare on him hot and heavy with its intensity. This close up he could smell the foul stench of alcohol coating his father's breath. Irritation trickled into the back of his brain and Sirius had to focus on holding his tongue, remarks waiting to be baited on the tip of it. Still, he said nothing, listening to the rest of Orion's monologue: 

“One more stunt like this and you'll be thrown out of this house, you hear? Ungrateful brat! Should have never had you.. the worst of the bunch. Filth.” 

He accented this with a quick shove to Sirius' chest, hard enough to knock the wind out of his lungs momentarily. Sirius hadn't need to think of a suitable response for Orion as his mother quickly stood, shoving Sirius with her out of the living room. She was still unnatural in her movements, stiff and mannequin-like as she bustled around the entrance of their home, grabbing coat and purse before herding Sirius out of the door with her, almost in fear. Ice was still thick on the ground as they rounded the car, the reminiscence of snow still clinging to the soil creating a muddy mess of slosh. Sirius would have loved to throw a muddy snowball right in his father's face had the opportunity presented itself.

The silence was uncomfortable and terse between them, Sirius distractedly looking out the window to the busy city outside. Life still moving so drastically fast in comparison to the slowed-down version of it playing in the car. Black eyes scanning over city life until the terrain change to the forest, vibrant green trees framing the road after at least thirty minutes. Sirius chanced a glance at his mother, only to see a familiar look of disdain and discomfort marring her permanently wrinkled features, run dry from the years of frown lines. 

“I don't know why I'm the one who has to drive you. You could have just taken the train. Always asking, asking, asking.” Walburga mumbled, loudly enough that Sirius was meant to hear it. 

If the raging winter storms had not canceled today's trains, he would have gladly been on it. Regardless, the stuffy air inside the car didn't stay for long, Sirius' hopes soaring as soon as the edge of the school was visible. Red brick standing out brightly against the green of the forest it was surrounded by, towers and windows accenting each side of the building where wild ivy grew atop it. Random bouts of students were clustered outside, Sirius desperately searching if his own group was among them. The car slowed to a stop outside the school, parking easy to find with the few cars sparsely spread within the lot. 

Walburga gave a pointed but bored look to Sirius when he turned to her, wondering briefly if she was going to talk to administration with him. There was no warm 'see you soon' or 'be safe' when Sirius shut the car door, not that he expected there to be one, thankful to just be out. He didn't bother waving or watching her speed away in the new Bentley she had just bought, instead, running ahead into the front entrance of the school. 

It was a maze to him as a first-year, but now freshly sixteen, the hallways were easier to navigate than the ones in his own home. Breezing past administration like he should have gone and heading straight towards the courtyard where the gang should have just been arriving; their usual meet up spot before lunch. The floors were slick leading up to it, melted down ice and mud tracking in from the yard outside. Sirius easily sidestepped the slippery tile and bolted through the double doors, spotting Moony's wild mess of curls easily. 

His boots crunched loudly in the snow but he still tried to remain quiet, sneaking up quickly to the rest of the group. They were huddled around the large oak which had benches attached to the wood, James talking loudly enough to hide the crunching of snow with each step Sirius made. He only stopped for a moment to watch and listen in, James loudly complaining about their history teacher, Mr. Binns, to Peter who listed dutifully. 

Sirius' heart swelled when he then caught sight of Remus, eyes and nose gone red with the cold, bundled up tight in an oversized scarf. Shivers were wracking through his small frame and he looked sick again, eyes slightly unfocused from what Sirius could see at the odd angle. 

“The Prince of the school has returned!” Sirius shouted loudly, gaining the group's attention. 

Three sets of eyes snapping to his with matching smiles. Sirius slouched down beside Remus, casually throwing an arm around him. “Ya miss me?”

“Shove off,” Remus muttered, pushing his arm off in the process. He was smiling as he said it, obviously not mad, Sirius was glad to see.

“Padfoot!” James cried, springing up from his spot on the bench to come sit beside Sirius. He aggressively ruffled Sirius' hair as he sat, “Oh it's been so dreadfully boring without you here! All Moony wants to do is study, study, study! How I've missed you so!” 

Remus gave a slight glare at that, eyes narrowing at James before spewing out defensively, “It's not like we have finals coming up or anything.” 

James waved it off with a vague gesture, “If I fail, I fail. No biggy!” 

“I'm not sure Lily would agree with you on that one, mate.” Sirius couldn't help but point out, eyes scanning for said redhead around the courtyard. It was still only the four of them, the snow keeping everyone else barricaded inside. 

A momentary look of dread overtook James' face at the mention of it before shrugging, “She's warmed up to me now, it's all fineee!” 

The news of the century was Lily Evans warming up to James Potter, mainly because James himself wouldn't shut up about it. Constantly going on and on about him and Lily did this and that, holding hands in class and talking together in the halls. The next thing Sirius would know is they'd be kissing and doing all that couple shit, James was so fond of. It was all horribly domestic to Sirius, but he couldn't mind too much with James being so ecstatic over it. Paired with the fact that Lily spent most of their school years loathing James' very existence, it was still quite the news around school. Sirius still unused to seeing Lily with their group, hanging by James' side and more recently, Moony's. 

“Let's get inside now? I'm freezing my ass off.” Sirius said, springing up from the bench and dragging Remus and James with him on each arm. 

He wasn't really, but he could still feel Moony shivering and wanted to get him inside as soon as possible. Peter trailed behind them as the four made their way inside and back to the main halls of the school. The school itself wasn't much warmer, cold brick paired with even colder wooden floorboards. The rickety heater system that was installed back in the 60s failed more than it worked, so there was a permanent chill that latched itself onto the walls and floors of the building. It was still warmer than outside though and the group settled inro one of the many benched seats inside the halls. By the time the four made their way to the cafeteria for lunch, it was already closing. 

** *  **

“You're burning up, Moons.” 

The two had finally gotten back to the dorms after the rest of the day's classes, Remus adamant he not skip any, even for Sirius. They were sitting on Remus' bed, Peter spending the extra time in tutoring as he was close to failing math for the year, leaving the two of them alone. After finally coaxing Remus out of the library to spend time with him, he nearly collapsed on the way back to the room. Sirius eventually removed his hand from Remus' forehead, flesh still hot and flushed with fever. His eyes were still not quite focused on Sirius' own, zoning in and out every few seconds. Delayed with his reaction time he finally said, 

“No, 'm fine.” 

“Uh-huh. Sure you are.” Sirius huffed out, placing his forehead against Remus' this time. His eyes finally focused on Sirius' own this close in distance. Their noses just brushing up against each other, close enough to feel Remus' soft puffs of breath against his own mouth. 

The latter smiled slowly, mumbling out, “Mm you're cold. Feels nice.” 

“You're just hot.” 

“Damn right I am,” Remus replied, smiling clumsily at his own joke. 

Sirius laughed softly at that, cautious of their faces so close together before removing his forehead from Remus' altogether. His eyes seemed to focus with a bit of clarity as Sirius moved back, sitting up a little straighter to look at him. 

“Were things okay, back at home?” 

He asked it softly but the words still seemed hard, Sirius stiffening without meaning to at the context of the conversation. His thoughts went back to this morning and to his father, feeling suddenly sick now remembering. Sirius wasn't scared, no, but Orion's words still felt heavy in his stomach, anxiety clawing its way up his throat leaving painful scratches that made his voice rough when he replied,

“Yeah,” Sirius coughed trying to clear it, “Everything was fine. I really just stayed in my room, it was boring.” 

He was surprised when Remus' hand came to rest on his cheek, almost jumping at the sudden touch. His skin was soft, lithe fingers tracing small circles into the flesh on Sirius cheek that made everything suddenly feel much better. Of all the drugs Sirius does, Remus was his favorite. He relished the feeling of Remus' hand against his skin, trying to commit the touch to memory; some irrational fear nagging at his mind that he won't feel it again. 

“I'm glad, we missed you.” 

“You missed me?” 

Remus' answer was a chaste kiss, barely a press against Sirius' that made him whining for another. He just smiled innocently when Sirius leaned in for another, leaning further back and just out of reach. Sirius sighed longingly and pitifully before finally giving up, 

“Did anything exciting happen since I've been away?” 

“Mm not much. There was a lot of clean up after the prank you guys pulled. Can't believe James didn't get in trouble for it too.” 

“You know how much the Potters donate here.” Sirius shrugged, feeling it was obvious he wouldn't get in trouble.

Remus only gave a deadpan stare to that, rolling his eyes, “That shouldn't matter when it comes to punishment of their child.”

“And yet it does!” Sirius cried melodramatically, not really caring that James wasn't punished for the prank as well. “But it was rather spectacular. Completely worth it.” 

He gets a sigh and slight laugh for that before Remus plops down further onto the bed, bones seeming to no longer support his weight. Peters and his room was fairly cozy, just the two beds with a desk pushed up between them at the heads, one that Remus often used. He had strung soft glowing fairy lights around his bedposts and had collected quite a few pictures of the Marauders throughout their years. They were pinned up on a cork-board above his frame, the four of their smiling faces shining down at Sirius from where he was sitting. The atmosphere was always more pleasant compared to the messy chaos that consisted of James' and his shared dorm room, which is why Sirius often found himself coming to Remus' room in search of solace. Whether that had to do with the room itself or Remus was obvious.

Remus goes limp on the bed before saying, “I don't really know how you two got your hands on that much kool-aid... but it was fairly amazing to watch.” 

Sirius smiles proudly at that, chest swelling at the praise from Moony, “Well I'm glad you enjoyed yourself, good sir!” 

“It took the poor cleaning staff forever to get that dye out though.” Remus winces as if thinking back on it. 

Sirius only shrugs in reply, the after mass and mess of the prank the last of his worries when it was happening. James and him had been planning it for weeks and had to get several people on the staff to do some shady underhanded-business for them. Shady consisting of changing the water fountain tanks to red kool-aid, but that was beside the point. Getting the handles to all go and stay down at the same time paired with the right amount of water pressure, was quite the task for the two of them. Peter helped from time to time but was too busy with previously mentioned tutoring lessons, leaving the prank mainly up to James and him.

“I did get something useful out of going back home,” Sirius said instead, scooting over to the edge of Remus' bed to grab his backpack.

He raises an eyebrow as he waits for Sirius to riffle through the bag. It doesn't take long for him to undo the various zippers on the ripped up backpack and find the sandwich baggy at the very bottom. The bag is still filled half-way with white powder and Remus just looks vaguely impassive as Sirius presents it. 

“What is it?” 

“Vicodin, snatched it out of my mom's cabinet.” He grins looking over to Remus, “Fancy, right?” 

The impassiveness on his face slowly morphs to concern, eyebrows furrowing and lines forming at the base of his lips. It looks a little silly with his face still flushed with fever and his eyes glazed over, focusing roughly on the bag. Sirius only wonders what the look is for briefly, before Remus is saying, 

“I thought you were staying off the hard stuff.” 

“It's just a little medicine, Moony.” Sirius waves off the concern easily. “It helps the nightmares and stuff, you know that.” 

He doesn't look convinced by Sirius' statement, the lines in his face only deepening further when Sirius goes to open the bag. A familiar feeling of guilt settles in Sirius' stomach, so he goes to take Remus' hand, kissing the back of it in reassurance. The look eases on his face then, eyes going soft the longer they look into Sirius' own. It's then he says, “Keep your hand steady, 'kay?” 

Sirius carefully makes a line on the back of Remus' hand, easy with _how_ steady Remus keeps his arm. Limb rigid without Sirius having to hold it, he knows if he glances up the look will be back on Remus' face, worry and judgment marring his pretty features. So instead, he focuses on keeping the line steady and taking the bump off of Remus' hand. There's still some of the white powder on his skin and Sirius kisses the spots it's still clinging to in appreciation, to both Remus and the drug, thankful for the high and distraction it will provide. 

“..Love you.” 

Sirius doesn't think Remus will say it back for a second, looking up at him in worry. He doesn't look mad, just reserved, and a little discontent with Sirius at the moment before he replies, “I love you too.” 

Sirius kisses him then, a little frenzied and rushed, suddenly scared. It doesn't take long before Remus is kissing him back but he's still hot and his breathing gets labored quickly, head falling to Sirius' shoulder in a moment of exhaust.

** *  **

The annoying flutter and tweak of birds are what Sirius awakes to, still in Remus' bed. They somehow made their way under the covers, with shoes half taken off in the middle of the night. Squinting his eyes against the offending sun, that doesn't help the building headache he can feel after the crash of his high, he looks for signs of Peter. The room is empty besides the two of them and Sirius wonders idly if they overslept that bad. The sun doesn't feel that bright though, but it's hard to say, time disorienting with his surroundings. It hadn't been the first time and it definitely won't be the last, he wakes in Remus' bed, but he still feels the crash of his high from the night before. Colors too bright, sounds too loud. Everything had an alarming edge to it that made the whole world a little tipsy turvy. 

He gently scoots up, careful to not wake Remus, to look at the annoying red clock that announces the time of not even seven yet. Squeezing his eyes shut he lays back down, only then noticing how much warmer Remus had gotten throughout the night. Despite the call to sleep, he turns over to Remus again, pawing at the exposed skin he can find. It's almost searing to the touch and it's then Sirius is suddenly concerned, sitting up tall and placing his hand back over Remus' forehead. 

Even though Sirius had been touching none too gently, Remus still hadn't stirred, deep in sleep. His breathing was labored, chest rising and falling with gasps of air escaping parted lips that had gone pasty white. Sirius could feel worry start to build low in his stomach and he pulled at his hair at a momentary loss of what to do. Getting sick was a very rare occurrence for Sirius or anyone in his family, even with nasty flu's going around in the winter, he always managed to stay healthy. In rash comparison, Remus was always getting sick with colds, his immune system too weak to fight off even the most minor of sicknesses. 

With a particularly hard shove, Remus finally stirred, eyes twitching before opening. He looked irritated when he caught sight of Sirius, going to turn over before Sirius grabbed him to face his direction again. “Oh, thank god! I thought you wouldn't wake up! Don't scare me like that, Jesus Moony.”

“..Are you still high?” 

His voice was deep with sleep and sick when he asked it, a vicious coughing fit escaping him after. His eyes were watering when the coughs finally ceased, his small frame still shaking with the effort of keeping them in. By the time Sirius came back, rushing with a glass of water, they were done. 

Remus still took the offered water, hand shaking slightly with the effort despite himself. He sipped it very slowly, deliberate in every action he was taking, as Sirius watched carefully for any other signs of struggle.

“Okay, you're seriously sick. We're going to the nurse.” 

Remus groaned at that, rolling his eyes, “I'm seriously _not_ , it's fine.” 

This had happened many times throughout the course of their school years. Remus would always hate admitting he was anything but healthy, a later confession when he was with fever, that it made him feel weak in comparison to others. Sirius hadn't known what to say at the time, young in age and mind, naive with others' feelings. Back then and now, weak was never something Sirius would ever use to describe Moony. It was something that just couldn't exist within the same sentence, the two words couldn't coexist in any universe to Sirius. Yet despite it, Remus always hated having to be looked after and his hate for medicine and doctors just grew from there. 

He sighed, having heard the same thing over the years. Pointedly he stood, shaking his head very slowly at Remus and saying, “Stay.” 

Remus' face went all snark at that, putting his arms up in a pawing motion, “Woof.” 

Sirius couldn't help but tease then, walking the few steps back over to Remus and patting his head affectionately. “Good boy.” 

He was running out of Remus' room after his hand got swatted off, heading straight towards James' and his shared dorm. It was only down the hall and to the left, the two dorms easy to access from one another. It's why he was often found more in Remus' room than his own. He waltzed into the dorm, the door never getting locked as they always came and went, plopping down on the side of James' bed. Sirius shook the mass under the blankets that he identified as James from the hair spewing in various directions, defying gravity in some parts.

“Wah- ah! Who!” James shouted, springing up from the mattress.

Sirius raised an eyebrow patiently waiting out James' response as he awoke. He handed James his glasses when he started making grabby motions, which he half put on his face to look at Sirius. Eyebrows furrowed and mouth set in a deep line he asked, exasperated, “What could you possibly need me-” he broke off with a yawn, “this early for?” 

“Moony's sick,” Sirius said simply, that being the only explanation truly needed at this point and time in their friendship. 

Understanding dawned on James' face, eyes squinting trying to adjust to the morning light as he crawled slowly out of bed. He fumbled around their shared room for shoes for far too long, annoying Sirius, until they were finally tumbling out the door and through the hallway. “Sick sick?” James asked as they turn the corner to Remus and Peter's room. 

“As always.” 

“You don't look great yourself, did you catch it?” 

Sirius frowns at that, can feel the confusion pull at his features as he turns to James. “What? I feel fine.” 

James turns, confused as well, looking over Sirius again. His eyes stayed trained on Sirius' own for a long time before saying, “If you say so, your eyes just look kind of..” James gestures to his own eyes in an up and down motion, “crazed.” 

“Dunno, I'm fine really.” 

James looks as if he's about to question it more, but Sirius speeds up to make the finals distance to Remus' room, walking in without knocking. Remus is still in bed, face still flushed with fever, and looking a little dazed but mostly bored. He had sat up taller, posture and back stiff up, reminding Sirius of his mother for a horrifying moment. Peter was back in the room, sitting on the edge of Remus' bed with his hands gestured up in weird circular motions, 

“Like those little tweety birds going around their heads - in the cartoons.” He sighs as if giving up, “Anyways please just go to the nurse. You know Sirius is going to force you to go when he finds out!” 

“No need, he already found out.” Sirius interrupts, giving a grin to Remus as he groans louder into his hand, muffled by his sleeve and the covers. 

“Great you're back. With James! I shouldn't be surprised, yet I'm still surprised..” Remus mumbled, mostly to himself, almost pouting from where he's sat on the bed. 

“After all these years we've gotten used to its, Moons,” James says cheerily, sidestepping Sirius and joining Peter on the bed. He bounces on it for a moment, jostling both Peter and Remus with the action before finally settling on the corner of it. Being only a twin bed, the three of them are cramped and sitting at odd angles to fit, but they still somehow look comfortable despite it. 

“Now you do have a choice.” Sirius interrupts again, gaining the room's attention. 

“Oh wow! A choice this time that's new.” Remus grumbled again, sarcasm coating his tone. His voice was still rough and he had a slight wince when he spoke, throat grating irritably, Sirius figured. The blankets were almost swallowing up the sound of his protests. 

“It's not really a choice mate..” James says, placing a hand to his mouth and fake-whispering to him. 

Sirius coughs, “Yes. A choice.” He places both of his hands out like scales, for dramatic effect as he says, “We can either drag you to the nurse or she can come here, take your pick!” 

“Ugh, neither.” Remus sinks down further into the blankets, the mass of his hair just poking out from the tip of them as he sulks. 

“I'm thinking it'll be easier if she comes here?” James proposes in Remus' place, eyes alight with amusement at the latter's suffering. 

Despite James and Sirius being known for their dramatics, Remus always topped them when it came to his health. His hate for medicine causing his actions to outdo even the most exaggerated of their performances. The only answer they got from him was more groaning underneath the mass of blankets he had taken to barricading himself with. James bounced up from the bed, sleep still clinging heavily to him as he yawned. He circled around the room for a second, his eyes landing on the clock, “Well Mrs. Pomfrey's office doesn't open until eight, so you have an hour to prepare, Moony!” 

More groaning from the mass.

“I could go down and get her, I already know most of his symptoms.” Sirius mused aloud, joining Peter on Remus' bed now that James had moved. Remus only squirmed more, a few protests getting muffled by the blanket barrier. 

“If that's the case.. I'm going to go back to sleep,” James said eyeing the door. “It's not like I can do anything to help right now.” 

“Sure, go ahead mate.” Sirius said and then, “You can take my bed if you want to Pete, I'll stay here.” 

Anxiously, Peter looked back to Sirius, a little unsure. He looked back between Remus and him a few times before nodding and scurrying off when James left, closing the door behind the both of them. Remus still didn't move or talk, even after the two had left. 

“It's not that bad, you're fine.” Sirius teased, poking at the cocoon. 

Remus' head popped up briefly, his hair and eyes the only thing visible but even those were mad. Eyes glaring straight at Sirius' own. He couldn't take him seriously though, hair mused and face still flushed, he looked more like an angry possum emerging from its nest. The laugh that escaped Sirius couldn't be helped, but it only made Remus glare harder, still resolute in not saying anything. 

Sirius scooted closer until he was in reaching distance of Remus, placing a single kiss on his head and murmuring into his hair, “Sleep now, Rem.”

** *  **

A few days had passed since then but Remus was still on strict bed order from the nurse, who fumbled and worried over Remus often enough throughout their years to be acquainted with the four. She had always been strict with them, harsh words with an even harsher temper when they had tried to sneak Remus out of the medical ward once. Over the years her policies softened, with Remus going in and out of her office so much, she often allowed dorm-rest for him. 

Despite her strict demeanor, the four had taken a liking to her. One of the few staff members that genuinely cared for their students. Each of her rough actions was done for the overall well-being of them. With her care and a lot of antibiotics, Remus was to be released from his dorm probation, as Sirius liked to call it, tomorrow. The rest of the trio had to resume classes like normal, even after Sirius used every excuse not to. Finals were coming up within the next few weeks but Sirius still couldn't bother to study, mind going distracted with every other thing the second he opened a textbook. It's not like he was doing badly in any of his classes, skimming by with high enough grades throughout the years to pass. 

Making that hard of an effort as Remus often did, wasn't something Sirius understood. He was fine with mediocre work of Cs and Bs, not finding a reason to work harder as long as he passed the class. James was like that too, easy and noncommittal when it came to grades but he still often scored higher than Sirius and sometimes Remus, naturally good when it came to studies. It was something that drove Remus mad, Sirius learned, that their friend could succeed so easily without even the slightest of efforts. Complicated algebra equations coming easily to their friend, languages and literature an easy feat for him. In the four's shared computer class, James would often finish up whatever program they were learning faster than the rest of the group. The language of code as easy as English to him, python easier to read than the dialect in Shakespeare. With finals coming up, Sirius wondered if this sickness was brought on through other means, suddenly wondering how much Remus had been studying whilst Sirius was away. 

“Is there a flu going around the school or something? How'd Remus get sick?” Sirius asked, eyes still ahead and maneuvering through the crowds of students clashing through the halls. 

James hummed before answering, “Nah don't think so. Haven't really seen anyone else sick 'round the school, but you know Remus gets sick over anything.” 

“He hadn't been coming back to the dorms when you left though!” Peter squeaked up, pushing hard through the crowd in an attempt to catch up. “He's gone all Mad Moony with finals coming up.” 

Sirius released a small but understanding sigh at that. Mad Moony had been dubbed Remus' episodes of crazed studying, where he wouldn't sleep or eat for days in the midst of the episodes. Peter proved Sirius' earlier suspicion, Remus would often succumb to illnesses when he was that exhausted. The thoughts of worry were wiped away as he caught sight of Evan leaning idly against a bench talking to some younger students. 

“.. and you didn't tell me this why?” James asks, rounding backwards and towards Peter. 

“Uh.. well I hadn't thought to! Moony gets like this so often!” defended Peter, eyes going wide as James looked at him disapprovingly. 

Evan had just been finishing up his conversation with what appeared to be first years, slimy smile residing on his face as the two younger students animatedly said something to him. Sirius cut off whatever James was about to say in reply with a quick, “Just a second mates, head to French without me!” 

He didn't watch to see if they had left or not, breaking off from their trio and heading back towards Evan, who looked bored with the conversation now. The first years looked up in alarm, eyes going almost comically wide at the sight of Sirius before scurrying off with a rushed 'excuse me'. Evan was in his last year there, almost eighteen, and going off to a rich college somewhere in Scotland. His smile stretched further as he caught sight of Sirius, arm motioning forward for him to sit on the bench, 

“Rosier, a pleasure to see you again.” 

“I could say the same Black.” He shimmed down now sitting beside Sirius, “You buying?” 

“Depends, what do you have?” Sirius asked, eyes going forward and out into the hall again. It was still busy, no one taking notice of the two of them idly sitting by on the bench. Younger and older students rushing to class in the short time they had between each, navigating throughout the large buildings the school consisted of. Peter and James weren't in sight, probably on their second flight to get to the French classroom in time, Sirius would undoubtedly be late for. 

“Not a lot honestly,” Rosier sighed, stretching his arms in front of him, “got some morphine and ritalin left.” 

Remus' words flashed briefly through his mind as he considered, brain halting the longer he thought on it. Sirius shrugged lightly and grinned, “The first-years buying you out?”

Evan returned the grin, eyes catching on Sirius' own before turning back out again, “It's good business. Those kids are gonna crash when I graduate though.” 

Sirius grimaced at that, lips pulling tight behind his teeth. Thinking on that was not his favorite, idly wondering where _he_ would get his fix now that the steady supply wouldn't be readily available. Evan must have taken notice of the look as he laughed, shaking his head, 

“Don't worry. I won't leave my valuable customers up and dry.”

“Cryptic much?” 

“Someone needs to take it over when I'm gone.” 

Sirius' worry lessened at that, eyebrow raising in appreciation, “You have a replacement lined up?” 

“Some ideas,” Evan said, gaze boring strong enough to have Sirius turning towards him again. It was expectant and Sirius suddenly turned stiff at the implications, confused why he would even be considered. 

“I'm sure you have plenty of stoner friends who would fit your.. qualifications.” Sirius ended lamely, eyes going back towards the thinning crowds in distraction. 

Sirius only jumped in surprise when he felt Evans breath on his neck, mouth close enough by his ear to whisper audibly. The feeling of it made Sirius' skin crawl with disgust and he kept his limbs locked tight enough to not retch away. 

“.. None of them are quite addicted to the high like you.” 

Rosier stood then, back popping loudly as he straightened out from the lumping position he was just in. The period was ending, only a few students still lazing about in the hallways but they would soon be empty, classes filled. Sirius was supposed to be one of them but he felt stiff now, caught up in something he wasn't supposed to be, the high of their exchanged crashing. 

“If you want to buy, come after school. You know where to find me.” 

Were his parting words as he sauntered down the halls, turning a sharp corner and out of sight. Sirius stood then, mind slightly hazy with what Evan just implied. But he knew he would still be going after school, hands shaking in anticipation, mind reeling with expectations of another high he couldn't say no to. 

** *  **

“It's ridiculous I have to even be here, I feel fine.” 

“Yes, I'm sure you do dear. Now open.” 

Remus begrudgingly opened in his mouth, recreating the 'ah' sound Mrs. Pomfrey had demanded of him. Sirius chuckled to himself in the corner, earning him a slight glare from Remus. It wasn't very effective as his mouth was sucking around a thermometer taking all of the edge from his glare off. They were back in her office for Remus' last check-up, to clear him to return back to normal classes. She was running some last-minute checks asking various questions on how he was feeling, before finally taking his temperature. The thermometer beeped and flashed green, causing Mrs. Pomfrey to hum with approval. 

“Your fever is all cleared up dear,” She said, patting his cheek and removing the device. 

Sirius grinned and gave a thumbs up to Remus which just made the latter roll his eyes. The nurse was still fumbling around for a few things, placing the device in a bin before turning back to Remus. Her normally stern gaze was softened, a small smile in place.

“Now you come back if you're feeling any sort of ill again, you hear? Oh!” 

She turned then, rummaging around in a cabinet above the desk she was stationed at. After her search was done she presented an orange medication bottle to Remus. “This is Ambien, take one when you're not sleeping well, dear.” 

“I really don't-” 

“That insomnia of yours is no joke, you need sleep for your body to recover.” She said, cutting off any further protest from him. 

Remus clammed his lips shut, slowly reaching for the presented bottle the longer she held it out. After he said his thank-yous, Sirius and him were both herded out of the medical ward, her motherly aura dissipating and turning back to the strict nurse they all knew but loved. The two resumed their regular pace down the halls and back towards the dorms, classes already over by the time Remus was cleared. He was ordered a full night's rest before resuming regular classes in the morning. 

“Now don't be so moody, I have something for you.” Sirius chirped, lolling their pace and stopping amid the empty hall. 

Remus uncrossed his arms and raised an expectant eyebrow as Sirius rummaged through his backpack, ignoring the zipped up baggy of newly purchased drugs at the bottom in favor of his binder. The section he was flipping for had gotten quite thick, James' blocky handwriting taking up more of the page than needed, resulting in various pages for simple notes. He handed it over to Remus explaining, 

“Whilst you were oh so sick, we took turns compiling notes for you. James and Peter filled in for the classes you and I don't share so you shouldn't have missed anything.” He pointed to a highlighted section of red with hearts and smiley faces scribbled on the edges, “These are the notes I did!” 

The smile Remus gave was worth the tedious note-taking and finger cramps Sirius received when writing them; unused to writing so much or needing to copy things in class. If he ever needed to he would just snap a picture of the whiteboard like the majority of students, but Remus had always been so particular on needing things written on paper. He had permanent ink stains and paper-cuts embedded on his hands because of it. 

His eyes went soft the longer he stared at the pages of writing, eyes scanning over each section of the notes before murmuring, “You make spelling mistakes every two words, you know that?” 

“What? Hey!” Sirius defended, shoving Remus lightly in the arm for the diss. 

Remus grinned harder at that, mischievous and youthful in the ways it turned his features. “Thank you, Pads. I love it.” 

Sirius was rewarded with a kiss, more of a small press of lips in the empty hallway before Remus continued their pace. Sirius struggled to keep up, legs gone mushy at the presence of Remus and heart thundering in his chest at even the smallest of affection from him. He smiled the longer Remus looked down at the pages, fingers caressing the swirly script of Sirius' writing.

** *  **

James was droning on for what felt like the third hour, the four of them huddled inside his and Sirius' dorm room. What was supposed to be a celebration of Remus' health turned into a drunken venting session for James, but Sirius himself was almost too sloshed to care. Cheap whiskey still burning his throat and tongue, coating everything in a blur of spice. Remus was seated besides James, being vigorously shaken as James continued, 

“Remusss! How could she be friends with him? She's friends with people like you! And me! Not – not..” He trailed off, face going red in irritation and screwing his features up awkwardly, “snivellus!” 

“She can be friends with whoever she wants?” Remus says, confused and rather defensive. He was rather drunk himself, the filter he had around James in regard to Lily, slipping, “She isn't an object James.” He said very sternly, shaking off James' arms. 

Sirius could feel the giggles tumbling out of his mouth at Remus' reaction, his stern face clashing so violently with his blushing cheeks, red from the alcohol and his eyes glassy. It looked silly to Sirius, fits of laughter escaping at practically nothing but the longer Remus' eyebrows screwed down like that the harder Sirius laughed. Peter joined in moments after, laughing in reaction to Sirius' own fit, eyes leaking tears with the urge to contain them. 

James shook his head very sullenly as Remus turned back to him, expectant, “I just want her to like meee!” He hiccuped as his face planted down, head resting on Remus' lap where he continued to whine, “She's so cool and pretty.. and it's not just that! Lily's so easy to talk to like she just _gets it,_ you know?

“Her and I were staying behind in the lab the other day and she started talking about how her parents run this bakery and I was telling her how much I love bagels! You know how much I love bagels, don't you Moony?”

Sirius himself couldn't make sense of James' drunken ramblings but Remus just nodded along every few seconds, eyes attentive and it suddenly made Sirius fume with something ugly in his chest. Unfurling and ripping, tight and unwelcome in the narrow space but still, it sat. Nothing seemed as funny anymore the longer he looked at them, eyes ripping into the side of James' head who was still mumbling something to Remus. 

“No need to bite my head off Pads, jeez,” James said, snapping him from the intense stare he was previously doing. He had straightened up, head lolling to the side and off of Remus' lap. Sirius felt himself relax at that, chest easing into contempt again. 

“Ya need to _–_ “ another hiccup, “get that jealousy under control mate. Ain't cool.” 

“What jealousy,” He mumbled in retaliation, coming to flop on the bed and attack James. Hitting at his sides until the other laughed loud and unashamed, tears springing to his eyes as he tried helplessly to defend the sides of his stomach. 

Sirius continued his relentless attack, poking and prodding at every exposed area he could find until James was battling his arms away from him, almost retching with how hard he was laughing, ragged pants wracking through his lungs and chest. 

“Stop – stop, I surrender, surrender!” James cried, limbs still skewing out in various directions in an attempt to squirm away. 

“I reign victorious yet again!” Sirius cheered, fists raising in triumph as James tumbled off the bed and crashed to the floor below. He was still laughing despite Sirius not even doing anything, rolling hysterically on the floor in his drunken stupor. 

Remus claps very sarcastically, but he's grinning clumsily despite it, “Yes yes, very good you two. Will you please quite down now before the two of us are kicked out?” 

Sirius and James had matching reactions, loudly shushing Remus with their fingers over their mouths, laughs still escaping past their clamped lips despite the shushing motion they were trying and failing to do. It caused Remus himself to laugh, giggles wracking his small frame until the room was filled with them. His eyes had gone wet with the laughter, tears clinging to the tips of his eyelids, amber honey turning molten with the shine of tears that Sirius found pretty. 

He plopped further on the bed, close enough to Remus now that their legs and arms were pressed together, almost tangled with how close Sirius was sitting. Remus was underweight and lanky, limbs sticking out at odd angles and sharp bones that made him very uncomfortable to lean against, but Sirius still did, head falling to his bony shoulder. He could feel warmth course through him, alcohol still pleasantly thrumming in his veins giving everything the edge of heat, and Remus' skin cooled it enough that the heat wasn't disorienting. The perfect combination to Sirius. 

His giggles finally ceased as he lay on him and Sirius could feel Remus' breaths get caught and stutter on the way out, chest constricting on every inhale. It made Sirius smile slowly, reactions still delayed with the effects of alcohol, finding Remus' reaction cute. 

“You're all gonna be so hungover tomorrow,” Peter slurred, eyeing the three of them, despite him being the drunkest. Plump cheeks a horrendous shade of red and eyes blown out wide, pupils dilated and unfocused as he stared. Beady black eyes like a mouse peering out from the darkness of an abandoned cupboard. 

Sirius shook his head, “Don't matter. It's not like we have class tomorrow, just sleep it off.” 

“.. Date.. study..” Remus mumbled before abruptly breaking out into a long and drawn-out groan, shoving his face down into the blankets, bending his back at an alarming angle with the force he put his head down at.

“Hah?” James asked, still on the floor but finally seated. Legs crossed into each other and arms spread out in front, supporting most of his weight. 

“.. I was supposed to go study with Lily in the library.. at like.” Remus' face went blank for a moment, train of thought seemingly stopped before he finally finished, “seven tomorrow morning.” 

James' laughter started up again at that, pointing at Remus shakily, “Oh god! That's gonna be hilarious! You'll still be plastered!” 

His laughter drowned out with the sound of Remus' annoyed whine, a long tone of James' name that just had him cracking up harder, clutching at his sides and toppled over on the floor again. Remus turned to Sirius then, face still half covered in blankets and eyes wet, slightly glazed over. It made various inappropriate images spring to Sirius' mind before Remus whined out again, “What am I gonna do?” 

Sirius shook his head out trying to dispel the images away and focus back on the current Remus, “Start drinking water, Moons.” 

He sighed at that, but sat up again and reached for the water bottle stationed besides James' bed. Sirius knew that water bottle had been sitting there for at least a week, cluttered around crumpled up paper balls and other stationery that was half falling off the little table. Wincing at the taste, Remus quickly placed it back on the table and shook his head, “I think I'll just suffer the consequences tomorrow.” 

** *  **

It was a bad day. 

Sirius could feel it from the moment he woke, muscles tense in anticipation, eyes watering from the most minimum of light and head pounding with the reminiscences of childhood memories rattling inside his skull. All of his emotions were wound too tight, pulled from opposites until Sirius himself was left taut, his only options left were to struggle or snap. Struggling it was, he decided. Forcibly opening his eyes against the nearly blinding light, most of it still being dulled and covered from the curtains that were pulled tight together. 

Forcing his stiff limbs into sitting up was a struggle, taking far longer than it normally would or should have. Arms spasming with the effort of pulling himself out of bed and into a sitting position, twitching irritably with the most minor of movements. Sirius could feel his head pounding leaving his eyes scrunching up again, nausea and pain overtaking him for a moment, head still rattling with loose memories. 

Hard and disapproving eyes watching his every move, darkness succumbing through the seller door and covering the remaining light, casting everything in its hollow shadows. Booming voices that screamed loud enough to knock the pictures from the wall and Sirius' memory from its place. Glass shattering across the floor, rotting blood dripping off the edges and soaking into the wood below. 

James' figured rustled from the other side of the room before it popped up, sitting and facing Sirius. He was still blurrily moving around, long arms searching through the mess of their room for his glasses before finally settling them on his face. 

“You good, mate?” 

Even in the quiet of the morning, James' voice sounded like screaming to Sirius and he cringed away from the sound. Visions of his childhood home and current dorm were blurring together, disorienting everything Sirius thought he knew. 

“Padfoot?” 

James' voice was securing and steadying as Sirius tried to work through his memories, eyes casting around rapidly through their room. The piles of laundry and trash littered around the room were grounding, the unnaturally bright colors dimming to normalcy. Sirius' posters of various rock-bands were sobering to this reality, finally adjusting to know where he was again. Answering, his voice still thick with sleep, “Yeah?” 

“Bad night?” 

“Yeah.” 

His limbs still felt too stiff but he forced himself further up, swinging his legs down and out of his bed, legs almost not supporting his weight when he stood. The room spun for a moment, wallpaper blending together before the world straightened out again. James was still sat up, face etched with concern as he watched Sirius. He didn't make to move, observing from his perch on the bed but he looked tense, ready to step in for something Sirius couldn't bother to decipher right now. 

“I'm good, go back to bed.” 

It still felt early, light just starting to trickle into their room but there was no chirping of birds or students, the hallways still standing silent. James sat still looking at Sirius for a beat before stiffly nodding, “If you need something I'm here.” 

His words weren't as loud as they were before, the softness of the morning finally bleeding into Sirius. Lights not blinding and the world starting to turn right side up. His limbs were still screaming with protest in each movement he made, gathering up rumpled clothes and hastily changing. Securing boots with clumsy movements before finally snatching up his backpack and bolting for the door. 

The hallways were quiet as they typically were on a Saturday, students staying barricaded inside and sleeping in on the few days off they were offered. The cold was still seeping into the fraying wallpaper, jerking Sirius' limbs awake now that he wasn't in the warmth of their dorm. He appreciated the coldness the halls brought, the numbing of his movements a welcome change from the racing fire he previously felt. 

It wasn't long for Sirius to make his way through the dormitory halls, everything in the school being connected. The boy's dorms were on buildings far off to the right, spiraling towers where some of the rooms resided and to the left was the girls, which Sirius had no interest in entering. The cafeteria was close to the dorms and classrooms, a standstill in the midst of the school made for easy access on both sides. Sirius passed both the cafeteria and faculty offices, rigid still in his movements on his way to the front of the school. 

They had a designated spot, the four of them. It was a safe haven for Sirius of sorts, claimed by the four of them. It was to be untouched by the rest of the school even when it wasn't in use. Said spot truly wasn't anything special, just an old willow tree with benches carved into it, but the vines and leaves of the tree created a naturally formed alcove hiding the benches from sight. Sitting alone off to the side of the school, it sat in a rather empty field scarce the tree. 

As of late, Sirius used the spot to get high when he didn't want to be bothered by the others or judged by Remus. James and Peter weren't necessarily against drugs, neither was Remus, the four of them having gotten high on weed many times throughout their school years. It was only when Sirius had moved on to pills that Remus got weird about it. Based on the reaction from him, Sirius hadn't really bothered mentioning it to the others. Resolute in the fact that he wasn't _hiding_ it but simply leaving the information out with the rest of the group. Remus hadn't mentioned it either, jaw only working itself tight when the topic was mentioned.

Sirius was surprised to see the tree already occupied, Remus curled up on one of the benches with his chin placed on his knees. The rustling caused by Sirius moving the vines caused Remus' eyes to immediately shoot to his, surprise smoothing to curiosity in seconds. 

“What are you doing here, Moons?” Sirius asked,

Remus was the last person he would suspect being here as he joined him on the bench seat, close enough to press their bodies together. Sirius could smell cigarette smoke clinging to Remus' skin and the fading scent of cinnamon. Just seeing him was comforting, so the scent caused his eyes to droop, sore limbs to go limp on the bench. 

“I could ask you the same. You good?” 

Sirius wondered if he really looked as terrible as he felt, scrunching up his face in an attempt to rid whatever look must have been marring his features throughout the morning. The ringing in his head seemed to cease, everything in the world righting itself with Remus here. Sirius' own world finding its center in Remus, ceasing the raging tides inside him. 

“Just a rough start, 'm fine.” 

His head dropped to Sirius' shoulder, hair just long enough to brush against Sirius' face and the smell of cinnamon to become stronger. Warmth bloomed in his chest again, contempt in the solace found within the vines of the willow tree. Remus stirred a little, hand still holding a pack of cigarettes coming in to view of Sirius, shaking it slightly in offer. 

“Weren't you supposed to be studying with Lily?” He asked, popping open the lid of the cart and taking one of the sticks. 

Remus seemed to perk a little, limbs losing some of the drowsiness as he stretched them in front of him. Searching through his pocket as he answered, presenting a shiny lighter and holding it up to Sirius' face, 

“Was. She moved it to next weekend because she's going to visit her parents, her sister has fallen ill.” 

Sirius gave a long hum to that, holding the cigarette in his mouth close to the fire until it lit. Taking a long drag from it, the familiar thrum of nicotine was weak but still pleasant to him. It didn't give him the dizzying feeling anymore, just an easy comfort of taking and releasing the smoke into his lungs. Remus was stealing it and taking an easy drag himself, smoke billowing out in front of him casting his face in an attractive haze of smoke. Sirius often found Remus breathing attractive, but there was something about the simple intake and release, that Sirius often found himself lost in when staring at Remus. 

“I'm going to head back now though, I still wanted to revise on the last unit of literature.” 

He stands then, legs popping from the previous crunched position they were in, Sirius not understanding how that was ever comfortable for him. Remus left with a parting kiss that tasted like smoke and tea, Sirius savoring every minute of it. By the time Remus actually left, the embers of the cigarette had burned down to a stub, and Sirius' world went tilting again. 

Light bright enough to have Sirius reeling, breath getting caught on invisible thorns with each inhale. Nicotine would never be enough to erase the tilting of Sirius' earth, thankful for the packet of crushed up morphine secured at the bottom of his backpack. Always a safe haven, a trigger to jolt him back into a clear reality, a place where phantom memories couldn't cling to him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter should be up in a few days!


	6. Skinny Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi!! so yes, I did say this chapter would be up in the next few days and then it wasn't. Sorry about that! for those who don't know, I'm a medical intern and recently picked up more shifts at the hospital I'm stationed at. the chapter was written I just hadn't had time to edit it! with that being said, there are 5 more chapters outlined, planned, and half-written so hopefully not as long as a wait next time. :) 
> 
> TW for this chapter: graphic drug use, suicide mention (very minor) extremely minor character death.

The snow had gone and melted, the buds of flowers blooming in its place with the coming of spring and withering with the heat of the summer. Sirius himself felt withered, eyes lazily tracing the expanse of his childhood ceiling. His mother's shrieks were still fluttering up and into his room from downstairs, but the swirling of nonexistence colors kept Sirius complacent where he lay on his bed. 

He could still feel the burn of the acid tablet on his tongue despite his high starting to come down, obscure shapes molding back into what he remembered his bedroom to look like. There was a knock on the door that Sirius swore he could taste, metallic and sharp turned sour the longer the knock resided. 

“What?” 

Sirius could feel the drain of the trip ending, things morphing back into reality and everything seemingly too bright all of a sudden. He squeezed his eyes against the light, exhaust settling into his bones, wishing he could sleep the rest of the day. Regardless of his wants, he sat up instead, awaiting the occupant on the other side of the door. A face too similar to his own peaked its head in, the door still mostly covering Regulus. He looked irritated, features twisting into a scowl the longer they stared at each other. Opening the door fully he stepped in, eyes scanning the mess of Sirius' room, “It smells like weed in here.” 

“..Duly noted. What do you want?” 

He hadn't meant to sound so cross with him, but the crash was hitting him hard and Sirius just wanted to sleep, Regulus delaying that the longer he drew out this conversation. Their relationship had been strained dry over the years, terse interactions bleeding into an even stiffer friendship. Not that Sirius would really call it that, two strangers who grew up together sharing the same house, more like. A blood relation he would hesitate to call family. Regulus often stayed to himself, at school and home, not bothering to converse with anyone really. The younger of the two crossed his arms pointedly, eyes going narrow the longer they looked back at Sirius. 

“One of your friends is here. Mom is losing her shit. Fix it.” Regulus finally said, rather blandly. 

“Which friend?” 

“How should I know, the – the quiet one.” 

“Quiet one?” 

“Remus,” Regulus gave one very long sigh, as if he was dealing with a child, despite Sirius being a whole seventeen, “Remus is here.” 

“So do you just chose to not use their names or?”

Sirius couldn't help the snippy tone, irritation flaring at his brother's seemingly lack of approval over his friends. They had all met of course, impossible to not cross paths at some point during their school years when Regulus eventually joined at the boarding school. Remus was even the nicest to him, offering him a place at their table had Regulus ever needed one. 

“Why do I even bother with you!” Regulus suddenly fumed, “Would you just go fix this? Mother has been screaming on the phone to father about it for the last five minutes. You know how she hates uninvited guests.” 

Piecing together the fact that Remus was here and downstairs awaiting, was sobering to Sirius suddenly. He frantically scanned his room eyes taking in only what was wrong, zooming on the needles scattered on his bedside table, crushed pills in baggies stuffed in his dresser, still visible since it wasn't closed. Through the progression of the year, especially during summer and spring breaks at home, Sirius could admit he may have developed a bit of a bigger drug problem. 

Things at home always getting worse lead to Sirius needing an escape more, frantically searching for ways to get a longer high, a better fix, another distraction. Becoming dangerously dependent on codeine and fentanyl which lead to shooting whatever Rosier promised would give him a better high next. Wordlessly blowing his parent's money without remorse or care. Euphoria coursed through his veins and erased any fear this house would have instilled, all hopes surrounding the next fix he could get, another boundary to push. 

“Well are you going to see him or should I tell him to leave?” Regulus asked, irritation still coating his tone. 

Sirius' head snapped up to his again, eyes blowing wide the longer he looked at his younger brother. The room was too much of a mess to salvage, his mother too much of a nightmare for Remus to witness again. He shook his head out, “No don't – I'll come down in a minute. Just.” Garish purple and yellow bruises stood out harshly against the white of Sirius' inner arm distracting him, “Tell him to wait for a second?” 

Regulus followed Sirius' line of sight causing the younger of the twos face to contort in a wince before his lips upturned into a snarl of disgust. Turning to Sirius again, haughty and malicious in his young age, “I'll tell him to wait and you can straighten yourself out, try not to look so much like a crackhead.” 

Sirius didn't have to bother with a followup or reply, Regulus already slamming the door hard enough to shake the frame. He stood then on shaky legs, doing exactly that. Throwing on a long-sleeved shirt despite the heat of the summer, scrubbing at his face with water, hoping to reduce the unnaturally pale color it had become. 

** * **

Sirius didn't think he would have had a long enough time to prepare given Remus' interrogating look-over. They were at the park now, empty in the summer heat and desolate feeling. Sirius hadn't bothered trying to invite him into Grimmauld place and Remus thankfully didn't push, following him out into the scorching heat without question. The playground equipment had been decaying over the years, swings creaking loudly with every swish Remus or him made. His stare was hard but not mean, not judging in the way Sirius expected it to be, wanted it to be even. 

There were no sharp words or scoldings flying off Remus' tongue like he expected, like it should have been happening. Remus was always fighting with words, quick and effortless he could shut you down, arguments proving futile in the face of his calm and constructed facts. There was no yelling either. He wasn't breaking down and screaming at Sirius, asking why or how he could do this as he took in his appearance, no tears shedding dramatically in this movie like scenario Sirius found himself in. 

His gaze was still critical, like observing facts from a textbook he had to memorize, no semblance of feelings past that. A wall, Sirius realized, suddenly sick with the thought. There was now a wall between them as Remus observed him, not trusting enough to give away emotions or thoughts yet. A bridge waiting to be crossed or snapped, thin lines tethering them together. Carefully constructed, bland and blank as he took in the sight of Sirius, so unlike the expression of quirked lips and playful eyes he had come to associate with Remus.

“..You've been gone a while.” Remus finally said, eyes turning away from Sirius and out towards the park for the first time since Sirius had opened the door to him. 

Sirius didn't want to give a lie now, no excuse spewing out past his lips to keep up whatever facade he had at the time. This wasn't medicine. It probably didn't help in the long run. He didn't want to give the truth either. The words getting caught in his throat the longer he tried to say them, a wave of emotion hitting him, ball forming at the base of his throat. 

It eased as Remus laced their hands together, swinging them slowly between them as they swung themselves, creaks forming with every move. Sirius always thought Remus was so much smaller but his hand felt big in Sirius' now and he couldn't tear his eyes away from where they sat hanging between them. The bones on Sirius' own hand were sticking up, the skin pulled frighteningly tight across his knuckles and gangling fingers that were wrapped around Remus'. Their hands looked unnatural like that, wrong in every sense to the eye, but Sirius could still feel the comforting coolness of Remus' hand and he selfishly latched on. The ache that permanently resided in his stomach seemed to ease as he latched on to Remus' hand, squeezing hard enough that it edged on painful.

“I'm handling it,” Sirius heard himself say, unsure if it was a lie or not himself. 

There was no reaction from Remus still, face carefully blank and void of any emotion Sirius could read. This was so much worse than any fighting or screaming or crying Remus could have pulled. At least then Sirius could know how to react. Adjust his actions and words to calm him but this was.. his eyes strayed to Remus' again, aching to read past the vacant expression he wore. 

“Are you?” 

He was smiling looking at Sirius now, emotions starting to trickle through and into his eyes, soft and  _ scared.  _ Feelings bleeding past the stripping wall between them and into Sirius, his smile holding no reminiscent of joy, no amusement in the pull of his lips. There was something colder than even Remus' skin settling into Sirius' stomach now, cold enough to shake the reassurance from his lips, “I am.” 

There was no belief bleeding into the fear in Remus' eyes, expression frozen in time, and searing into Sirius' mind. He felt as if it would haunt him through his years, taunt him throughout daydreams and nightmares. The cold was still seeping into him despite the warmth of summer, the beaming sun doing nothing to lessen the cold air that was settled between them, inside Sirius and inside Remus. 

Bringing their still intertwined hands to Sirius' face, he placed the gentlest of kisses upon Remus' hand in apology, chapped lips scraping against the smooth surface of Remus' flesh. He knew it was selfish to ask, selfish to want. Being selfish was never something that steered him away though, Remus was always the center of everything to Sirius, since they were kids and far off in the future, it would remain. It was something Remus would never say no to, kind to a fault towards Sirius, who greedily took advantage of everything he offered out of fear,

“...Please be patient with me, Remus.” 

** * **

Sirius had learned to handle it, just enough for them to finish their last year at school, or maybe Remus had, he couldn't tell anymore. Their relationship had always been natural to both of them, a progression of time that molded into their current one. With them it had always been easy. No dramatic telling of affairs or confessions like one might suspect of Sirius, just the easy flow of friendship to more. Naturally, it came to them, like breathing, platonic touches turned more, friendship morphing into love. Eyes seeming to always trail after the other, another half of a puzzle that was the perfect fit. Because of this, forgiveness always came easy to either of them. Whispered apologies in the dark turned to frenzied kisses and forgotten words. 

Regardless if Sirius had a drug problem or not, he was functional at the very least. Not strung out of his mind, focused enough to pass the remainder of their classes for graduation. There was still a change though, a difference in Remus and his relationship, in all of theirs. Uncertainty lacing throughout each of their gazes, clashes of words on the tip of their tongues, eyes scanning frantically over Sirius in fear of  _ something.  _ James was the worst about it, the most confrontational of them all. He was still fuming, posture gone rigid the longer they stared at each other. 

Not that Sirius was hiding it to begin with, but it was obvious he was on something. James hadn't questioned it until he found Sirius, a sooty spoon clenched between his teeth, string tightly wrapped around his arm and pressing down on a needle until it was empty. They fought then. Not hushed and heated arguments like Remus, no, fists flinging at each other and cracked lips turned bloody. Nothing jovial or brotherly found in the punches being thrown or broken noses, this wasn't a play fight like they often had, it was harsh, both trying to actively hurt each other. James was mad, confused in the way he was shrieking, 

“Why the fuck!” another punch that narrowly missed Sirius' face, “would you think any of this is okay?!” 

James' voice had gone raw and high, cracking in places it shouldn't have. Eyes wet and glazed over, scared like Remus was that summer day. Their expressions matched, but there was anger in place of the sad smile Remus wore, worry expressed through violence. Sirius didn't think it was okay, but he didn't see it as the dangerous spiral James seemed to think it was either. If anything, he felt better. Raging thoughts and stiff limbs silenced and calm. No longer did he have days where gravity would stop, the earth falling at a rapid pace and throwing Sirius along with it. 

“You can't – you have to stop this. You're going to kill yourself!” James stopped then, features distorting into horror, “Is that what this is? Are you trying to?” 

“What –  _ no!  _ It's just, like, it helps. But it's fine! This isn't hurting me it's helping, nothing is wrong with it!” 

Clearly, it was the wrong thing to say, James' face going hollow, emotions draining from it that gave Sirius rapid flashbacks to Remus. His eyes and throat burned, tired now with the argument. Blood was still dripping down his nose but drying rapidly, caking into his skin and onto his cracked lips. Bruises were already starting to blossom across James' cheeks and Sirius was sure he had matching ones, turning yellow and angry by tomorrow. 

“Sirius, you have to stop. This  _ is  _ hurting you.” 

It was strange to hear his birth name coming from James. Always a mix of their nicknames, Pads or Padfoot, Siri on occasion. Never his full name. It sounded foreign after all this time coming from James. Despite the sudden plea James had taken on, voice gone soft and desperate, Sirius didn't want to stop. The thought of phantom touches skittering across his skin had him reeling for crushed fentanyl, disregard for whatever his friends may say. While this would strain their friendship, it wouldn't end it, not after all these years. That selfish thought kept Sirius latched on to his current habits, with nothing to fear or lose as he shook his head.

** * **

Their friendship strained further when there was a random and surprise inspection of the dorms the day after. A male teacher, one Sirius couldn't bother to remember right now, as he rapt heatedly on the door three precise times. Sirius answered it and awaited as the plump man went around, trifling through and searching drawers, all the while Sirius continued to stare daggers into the side of James' head. 

A few of their things were confiscated, black nail polish Sirius wasn't supposed to have and a cheap bottle of whiskey that the teacher wasn't surprised to find. Sirius wasn't stupid enough to keep drugs in the open or in any dresser drawer outside of his home, no matter how much he trusted James. Whatever James was trying to accomplish with the unprompted dorm search, wasn't fulfilled. As the teacher left with the few things in a wrapped up shopping bag, light scoldings leaving his mouth on the way out. 

If anything, Peter suffered from it most, bundling into their room moments after with a trailing Remus. His face was red and splotchy with tears, eyes impossibly wide and frightened like a mouse caught in a trap. He was huffing hard as if he just came sprinting down the halls after their dorms inspection was completed. 

“Oh god, it's terrible!” he cried, “I have to have a meeting with the principal and my mother! She's coming down this Saturday!” 

Peters crying had started to cease as he fumbled through the room, sitting on the edge of James' bed without invitation. But his breathing was still harsh, eyes tense and worried, winding himself up further and furthers as he continued to blubber on the bed. Remus didn't look sympathetic in the least, exasperation coating his face and causing a small twitch at the corner of his eye. Letting out a long sigh he joined Sirius on his own bed, where he sat after Peter came in, closing the door behind him. 

The tenseness and irritation Sirius had previously felt towards James was fading, with the two of them now joined in the room. Attention sidetracked and awaiting the explanation of Peter's distress. James didn't seem to be as distracted, posture still stiff as he stood to the side of the room, only half-listening to the commotion as irritation coated his features. 

“It's your own damn fault.” Remus bit out, annoyance as clear in his voice as it was his face. 

Peter's tears started up again at that, fat wet drops sliding down his face and his lip upturning in a wail. For them all almost being legal adults, Peter acted the youngest and immature of them. Often breaking down at simple things and slow when it came to his studies. He sniffled when he replied, no bark or bite, “I'm sorry! I told them you had nothing to do with it!” 

Sirius turned to Remus then, awaiting an explanation, interest piqued at the unusual display of anger on Remus' face towards Peter. James finally seemed to settle then as well, folding up and listening on the floor. Still too quiet to seem natural for him, Sirius was sure Remus took note, as the insistent way his eyes kept traveling back to James never failed. They shared a long look, one Sirius couldn't make sense of, a silent conversation between the two of them. 

“Staff found porn on Peter's side of the room again,” Remus said in the quiet, only disrupted by Peter still sniffling. “Which I was  _ also blamed for.”  _ he finished, accenting where the blame fell very harshly. 

“Ah..” James winced at that, “That's rough, mate.” 

Remus sighed at that but he was losing his irritation quickly, shoulders dropping, “Now I have dentition for the next three weeks.” 

“I really am sorry Moony.” Peter sniffled again, 

Another hefty sigh before Remus was falling back on the bed, splaying out and rubbing at his closed eyes. He looked worn, Sirius was taking note. Eyes sunken in and skin pulled tight against bone, more so than usual, ribs visible from where his shirt had ridden up as he lay. Worry nagged at the back of Sirius' mind as he interlaced their hands, “You'll get more study time?” 

Remus cracked a small smile at that, “An excuse to get away from you three, maybe.” 

It felt as if the room settled, emotions not running high and being pulled taut between the four. Familiar in their interactions with Peter and Remus here now, James' posture relaxing minute by minute. Nothing would have to change with them here. Everything would be fine. Sirius was sure his friends would forget about it as the year progressed. 

** *  **

It was near dark by the time Remus and him had walked back, Sirius meeting him after his detention was over. Halls empty and quiet, shadows bouncing off the walls with the setting sun, black and orange communing together through the windows. The darkness of night was blending and taking over the light, sun and moon meeting for the few moments allowed. 

Their hands were swinging idly intertwined, as they often were, as they walked slowly through the empty corridors. Destination already set without having to communicate it, steps falling in tandem together and echoing off the empty walls of the school. There were still a few people milling about, staff rushing to finish paperwork, the click of keyboards like clockwork. A janitor had just finished mopping, hurrying to another side of the school with her cart. 

It was peaceful in its domesticity, easy in each step they took. School a more familiar home than the one Sirius lived in, the people here more like family than the one he was birthed from ever could be. Remus himself, a home for Sirius to reside in and take comfort with each breath he took. The dying sun was splaying over Remus' face, cheeks shining red in the light, each freckle catching with the gleam of the sun. It was still warm with the semester just starting, the chill of fall only coming in the night and early mornings. 

“Why did you and James fight? Haven't done that since you were kids.” 

It was softly spoken, no prejudice or conclusion reached without Sirius' saying. A simple question carrying and reverberating throughout the quiet, but it felt like more. Excuses flitting through Sirius' head at the question, lies waiting to be spoken and not believed. It was the first time Remus had actually questioned it, from Sirius anyway. He had only briefly looked over the bruising on them, knowing better than to scold them for it. Really it showed how well Remus knew the two of them, the stability of James and Sirius' friendship and the trust between the two.

“He isn't happy about me..” he stopped, not knowing how to phrase it before concluding, “with the drugs.” 

His touch was gentle when it came to Sirius' face again, familiar and recurring after all these years. Softly prodding at the bruised skin below his eye. It was flushed angry, blues and purples and yellows a horrible color against his cheek. Contrasting to the soft touch, Remus' voice was hard when he spoke, “No one is.” 

Sirius knew that. The guilt of it festered in him like an infected cut, reminding with a sharp stab to it with each interaction he seemed to have. Still, he didn't have anything to say to it. Any protest would have been a lie. Eyes shakily turning back to the hall and away from Remus, continuing their pace. He went easily with Sirius, still hand and hand, “I'm still being patient.” 

“Still being so kind to me,” Sirius mumbled loud enough for the both of them to hear, squeezing Remus' hand tighter in reply. His kindness and love felt wasted, unbalanced in the scheme of them.

Their voices were hushed when they finally found their way back to Remus' dorm room, Peter soundly sleeping on the other side. It creaked an awful sound, building still old and becoming dilapidated with age before they even began their first year there. There was still no movement from Peter's side of the room, figure motionless under the covers. 

Remus shuffled Sirius inside with him, closing the door behind as quiet as possible, still aware of the creak it tended to make. Sirius wasn't expecting to stay, their relationship slightly strained through the course interactions they'd had, but Remus leads them to his bed without a word. Voices still muted in their attempts to slide into the cramped bed together. They somehow fit well, legs, and arms slotting together until they were laying down cozy if not a little tight.

“Stay?” Remus whispered, only just barely visible in the dark. Eyes shining starkly against it, the amber almost inhuman looking in the blackness surrounding them. The startling image of a wolf peering at its prey from the dark came to Sirius' mind. 

“With pleasure.” 

Amusement was lacing his voice when he said it, falling back on old habits of humor to distill any situation Sirius couldn't handle, but the words still rang true. Anything Remus did would be pleasurable for Sirius and based on the knowing look Sirius received, he was well aware of it. 

** * **

Sirius wasn't going to go when he first got the notification. A random number popping up on the overly bright screen in the darkness of the room, a string of numbers leading to a location with the simple words 'i'm buying' written out. He really wasn't. 

But Rosier's words came creeping in through the shadows, his greasy smile filled with a promise Sirius wanted. Their conversation was still thick in his mind, from the minute detail of the leaky watercolor to the assured way he spoke. As if in tandem with a script, so assured with every word and movement, effortlessly presenting his case. 

“It would be simple,” he had said, “You redistribute a few of the goods, keep some of the cash, bring the rest to me.” 

Sirius didn't think he was one to be manipulated so easily, shooting down the idea entirely when it was first presented. A sharp and residing  _ no  _ that should have shattered Rosier's showbiz attitude. But he was still confident as he continued, voice dripping in credence,

“People text you some orders, I get it ready, you bring it. If you worked, product would basically be free. It's a small thing to do for such a considerable reward, Black.” 

That was always the thing that got Sirius too. That last residing line playing over and over as he looked at the location on the screen, eyes now adjusted to the harsh blue light glaring it him from the darkness. He couldn't and didn't want to say no to the offer. Mind reeling with possibility, unfavorable outcomes flashing every few seconds through his head. Drug use was one thing, dealing could be hazardous. 

Even with that thought, his eyes stayed trained on the listed address, eyes glued to the string of text. It could be easy. Just handing off an ordered package, no contact or talk really necessary, nothing distressing or shady about it. The rustling of Remus' body pressing against Sirius' was distracting for the moment, eyes drifting back to the one beside him. Only the rough outline of Remus was visible through the limited light on his phone, the shape of his nose and cheeks, hair poking out from the blankets they were both under. Sirius lay still and listened to the soft release and intake of breath from Remus, could feel the pants of hot breath tickle his cheek from the limiting position they were in. 

The screen dimmed and the light diminished with it, bringing Sirius' attention back to the screen and tapping at it. It lit up again, the chat still empty, text awaiting a reply.

Sirius was already typing out a reply before he could think it over more. 

** * **

The deal went smoother than Sirius even thought it would. Easy in the pass of a paper bag in the empty parking lot, cliché in the location and time with the sun dipping past the horizon. He hadn't dared look into the bag, as he gave it to the bright-eyed student who couldn't be more than a first year. The weight of the money in his hand was almost as heavy as the guilt in his stomach when he went back to the dorms that night. 

His friends blissfully unaware of what had just transpired. The weight in his stomach eased at the sound of his friend's laughter, even with Lily, who was sitting socially on James' bed and tangling her hand with his. The two had finally gotten together through the summer, something Sirius hadn't even found out, too drugged out most of the season, until their return to school. The addition to the group of four wasn't as challenging as Sirius thought it would be, as she melded into their group quite naturally. 

Her interactions with Remus came easy too, wit from the both of them clashing into carefree conversations Sirius couldn't hope to follow. The slight jealousy he felt came and went, worry easing the second he noticed the longing looks Lily gave James in return. It was strange to see the complacent expression on her face aimed at James after the years of her hating him. The mutuality of their feelings towards each other, although strange at first, seemed to grow ordinary the longer she stayed in the group. 

The previously budding friendship between her and Remus was normal now. As she often came running into James' and his shared dorm, in search of Remus but ended up staying to talk with the rest of them. Her presence in the group morphed into normalcy throughout the weeks. It was why he wasn't surprised to see her here now, her eyes catching his as he walked into his own dorm. Her eyebrow was propped up in question, curiosity coating her features. As Lily's eyes peered up at him, the weight of guilt felt heavy again, as his thoughts drifted to the first year. The wad of cash and stashed away pills in their willow tree was worth it, Sirius reasoned. There was no need to feel guilt over others actions.

“The talk go okay?” James asked, drawing Sirius' attention away from the redhead.

The lie had slipped out without any emission of real thoughts on Sirius' end, a family conversation with his brother seemingly a perfect alibi and excuse for his sporadic disappearance after class. He had hoped to slip away unnoticed, but of course, his sudden departure from their last period raised questions from Remus. Eyes analytical when Sirius tried to retreat and voice rapt with curiosity to his possible whereabouts. 

“Yes, how was your talk?” Remus questioned, expression much the same when he first asked back in the emptying classroom.

“Uh.. good. Our mothers, cousin's, aunt's.. sister died. Regulus just wanted to tell me because mother had been upset over it.” 

Sirius was floundering and knew he should have thought of something more tangible, but his thoughts had been consumed with getting back to Rosier on the walk back. His family was large enough that he knew neither of them would question the death, the Black family tree was confusing to Sirius, much less James or Remus. His mother getting upset over family drama wasn't a stretch either, so the lie, despite it tasting like ash as Sirius said it, was believable or so he hoped. 

Neither looked disbelieving as Sirius came to settle next to Remus, who was on the floor, legs tucked up to his chest. Remus only frowned slightly but didn't push the subject further only saying, “Sorry about that.” 

The conversation was dropped as the topic shifted, pleasant laughter filling the room once more as Peter went on about how he was already failing his classes. Sirius ignored the lingering remorse in his gut in favor of the warmth encasing their dorm room, easing into the conversation and pressing against the pleasant chill of Remus' skin that brought the secure familiarity Sirius craved. 

** * **

It wasn't the shrieking of the bell that dismissed them from the classroom but of a girl, the scream of terror echoing throughout the bricked corridors and bouncing off the walls of the classroom. The majority of the senior class rose, eyes going wide and students pushing up against the door to view outside and into the hall, as the teacher failed to gain the masses attention again. 

It was one of the classes Sirius shared with Remus and Remus only, his eyes immediately seeking his and connecting as they remained seated. A hint of worry flared inside Sirius, surprised at the sudden shriek of the girl as it continued to ring throughout the school. It didn't even sound close, easily a few hallways down but loud enough to be heard from theirs. The screams started to drown out as the mummer of the class rose, frenzied whispers from the students as they crowded around the classroom doors. Soon that was drowned out as the school announcer rung to life, static sparking throughout the room before a slightly hurried voice came through the speaker;

“All students please follow your teachers as they take you through your evacuation route. Calmly listen to all directions, thank you.” 

The mass of the students seemed to calm if only slightly, eyes going wide and scrambling to line up at the door as the teacher instructed. Sirius and Remus were also joining, hands finding each other as they neared the end of the classroom and filed up with the other students who were still frantically whispering. Wonders of what was happening, to others saying it was a drill, filled the room until the buzz of noise drowned each other out. Sirius didn't have time to think of his own suspicions as the teacher, Mrs. Sprout, Sirius finally placed, lead the two lines of students out the doors. He craned his neck around as their lines joined other students, looking for any glimpse of James or Peter or even Lily, knowing most of them must have still been on the second floor. 

It wasn't until they were at the back of the parking lot, the winding towers of the school and mass buildings in front of them, did Sirius catch sight of Lily's bright hair. He was relieved to see James just behind her, but it slowly died as the blaring sound of sirens blasted through, interrupting the attendance list Mrs. Sprout had been calling out. The flashing red of the ambulance was distracting to all of the students, eyes enamored and glued to the scene before them. Medical staff clamoring into the school with a wheeling gurney, pushing through the double doors of the school and disappearing out of the student's sight. 

The weight of Remus' hand in his was grounding, but the building anxiety in Sirius' stomach outweighed it. He was sure something  _ very _ wrong had to have happened, hand clutching tighter at the one wrapped around his own, trying to keep his thoughts tethered as the last of the medical staff rushed into the school.

** * **

Youthful eyes were taking up most of her face, impossibly large and trusting, set on a juvenile face that was grinning. Her hair was pulled up in twin tails, only seeming to add to how young she really was. The image flickered, the projector fazing out for a moment before her face was brought back into sight. The weight of her death was sitting heavy in his gut and he could feel the bile rise in his throat. There would be nothing, Sirius assured himself as he took several long breaths. He had spent most of the morning dry heaving into a trash can as Remus idly worried over him.  _ Loathing  _ couldn't even begin to describe the emotions running through him since her death was announced through the school that Monday morning. 

Her name and face weren't familiar, a second-year, Katherine Webb. Sirius had never met her or could even remember passing her through the halls. His mind went blank every time he tried to conjure an image of her prior, but he had truly never seen her before her face flashed on the walls of the auditorium before the mass of the student body. Sirius had spent the entire night remembering every student he sold something to and felt sick with relief when Katherine was not one of them. A mandatory assembly was held that morning, the discussion of drug use and her memorial jammed into one. Even if he hadn't sold her anything, she was still dead of a drug overdose. 

Sirius wasn't sure if she bought them from Rosier and his lackeys or not, but that was the conclusion he came to after dead-silence from the older male, opened texts left on read when the news reached Rosier. Sirius felt his guts twist again at the thought, feeling her blood on his hands, indirectly or not. The mass of students was eerily quiet outside of the loud wails of a younger girl from below Sirius, sitting with her friends a few benches down. Rumors had sparked as soon as Katherine's death got out, from the ridiculous that it was part of a cover-up to the saddest of it being on purpose. Sirius tried to block them out as much as he could, the gossip of other students fluttering throughout the hall seemingly unstoppable. 

The microphone let out a terrible screech and Sirius couldn't help but flinch from, the sudden noise had Remus tensing beside him. He wasn't sure what thoughts had been running through the latter's head as Sirius spent the morning sick and jumpy as soon her death was linked to an overdose. His breaths still felt uneven, getting caught in his lungs on every exhale. There was sick still sitting in his empty stomach, stomach acid waiting to be spewed. Shame and worry and fear were still clawing through him, regret rearing its head with every thought. Even the comfort of Remus' hand couldn't tether him this time, mind reeling every time Katherine's name was uttered through the room. Sirius couldn't tear his eyes away from her face, her toothy grin still present in the picture and it was hard to rationalize this child was dead. Not with how her eyes glimmered in a mischievous way or with the streaks of red in her black hair, the picture was too normal for the occasion of a memorial, it felt. Too normal for her to be found dead and foaming at the mouth, so the rumors said, in the girls bathroom. The screeching of the microphone ceased as their principal finally spoke, voice coming clear and resonating throughout the auditorium. 

“Students.. I would say a good morning to you, but I'm afraid this morning is rather grim.” 

His spindly fingers grasped the podium until the whites of his knuckles were visible. There was no whispered wonder Sirius had learned to associate with the old principal, his voice was grimly and serious, something he hadn't heard from the older man before. Not even with the worst of Sirius detentions and expulsions,  _ never like this.  _

“..Before I begin, I would like to say that all students have access to counselors and therapists that will be here for the remainder of the week so please feel free to reach out.” 

He gestured to a row of seated people, all dressed in black with professional looking clipboards seated on each of their laps. They smiled pleasantly but the expression still looked wrong to Sirius. Everything about this looked wrong. The man continued with a typical speech about the dangers of drug use and the importance of reaching out if you need help, something they had all heard before. The solidity of it still didn't seem to phase most of the students, even with the death of one of their own. Sirius didn't feel aware for most of the speech, mind hazing in and out through the repetition of their principal's words. He was aware of the heavy stares on his back, surprised to see Lily also eyeing him as he turned briefly towards her. 

Really, he shouldn't be surprised Lily knew. Wondering idly if it was James or Remus, both of them being equally close to blabbing about Sirius doing so-called dangerous drugs. His eyes still drifted back to the wall that was projecting Katherine's face and his throat felt choked with guilt again. No matter how lively the picture displayed was, this girl was dead. 

** * **

They were nearing finals for their first semester and Katherine's memorial was still present. A large picture of her was at the front of the school, an entire bench reserved solely to her memory. Stuffed animals, flowers, cards, candles, and various trinkets were littered around the floor. The girls friends still replaced flowers daily, waiting until the last moments to remove the wilting roses or lilies, supposedly Katherine's favorites. Ribbons of red were tied along the bench slots that reminded Sirius of the girls hair, red tips the color of the flowers below her. Various other elements of the color were tied into the memorial. Balloons that were almost completely deflated bobbed just above Katherine's smiling face. 

Other students still slowed their paces as they walked by the bench, even if not as active participants in the girls memorial, it was still a loss they showed respect for. The death was still fresh in the minds of each student. The weight of it still felt heavy in Sirius every time he walked by her bench, but the impact of her death had lessened through the months. She still seemed to haunt the school and Sirius himself, whispers of her name or face still etched through the school, setting him on alarm every time. But it eased as the days slid by, mending together as the year continued to pass. The Marauders helped ease Sirius out of her death, despite Sirius' reluctance to speak on it. He couldn't. More than the guilt of her death was the fear of blood on Sirius' own hands. 

Not knowing what would happen if they found out Sirius had any connection to selling the very things that killed the younger student. That hadn't gotten any easier. No amount of reassurance could stop the panic that welled inside him every time he had to deliver something for Rosier, manipulated into still spreading his influence despite his lack of presence at the school. Though Sirius wasn't sure he could really call it manipulating. There was no blackmail being held over his head, no threats dangling above him just out of reach. Only the reminder that if he stopped working for Rosier, he had to find a new plug. 

Sirius wasn't sure which caused him more panic, finding a new dealer or dealing himself. There wasn't a way out of the situation he had put himself in, but stopping was out of the question. No forwards or backwards to go, complacent in the situation with an added risk. Despite Katherine's death, the business Rosier built hadn't dampened. No extra caution was added, no secrecy dependent on their customers. 

He wasn't shouting out through the school that he was selling, no, but they weren't taking any precautions to hide either. The students knew that Rosier still had an influence through the school and contacting him to set you up with something was easy. It was surprising Remus hadn't caught on by now and Sirius feared the day he would. Worried of the accusations he would someday face from his lover and the disappointment he knew he'd find there. 

Stilling slightly as Lily stopped next to him, a wild mess of red invading his peripheral view as she stood by his side and stared at the memorial with him. Lily was still a present figure in their group, not changing even with Sirius' mood swings of late. Her and James had been steady, their relationship still new and tentative. More so than that, her relationship with Remus persisted. Their friendship stealing even Sirius and Remus' time to be spent with the red-head. Not that Sirius really minded much, petty jealousy over Remus forgotten. Sirius himself often tried to slip from the group unnoticed to preform these hand-offs and deals Rosier had been sending him on. 

It wasn't fair to Remus, as he often left unexplained when they were together. Sirius could feel the others frustration with him building the longer Sirius gave vague answers and reflected their conversations. Fear still gripped at the back of his mind though as he placed off the inevitable, leaving parting kisses and whispered apologies in the dark of their room. Selfishly reminding Remus of the promise he made of patience, milking and twisting the others words until it hurt them both. 

“Don't you have political science next?” Lily asked quietly, words soft in the emptying corridors. The period was ending and students were rushing past them to their next classes. 

Sirius was surprised Lily wasn't with the masses, running to whatever AP class he was sure she was taking. The bell rung before Sirius could answer but he made no attempt to move, the dread of running up three flights of stairs to find his stupid class was not appealing. As the bell ended the spell of time seemed to break, moving again and flinging Sirius back into the present with it.

“Don't you have ASL next?” Sirius rephrased her own question, eyes still locked on the portrait of Katherine in front of them. 

“I'm surprised you know my schedule.” 

“James doesn't shut up about it.” 

She smiled then, when Sirius finally chanced a look at her, soft and delicate which was surprising on her features. It wasn't a bad look, Sirius supposed, but foreign to him. A soft sigh escaped her and Sirius found his eyes drifting back to hers, curious and awaiting as she looked at him. His surprise continued as she stood still, minutes of class time ticking by the longer he stared. 

“You're not ditching, are you?” Sirius asked, 

“Ditch with me?” 

That was something Sirius never thought he'd hear and the startled laugh he heard coming from her must have been in reaction to the grimace he could feel pull at his features. It wasn't like he was going to go to class anyways, but Lily Evans ditching school, much less with Sirius of all people, was just enough to have him curious. Glancing back at the memorial briefly he nodded, following Lily down the hall moments later, eyes trained on any possible staff as they made their way through it. 

** * **

When she asked to ditch, he hadn't expected to be sitting out in the fucking cold. Snow was already starting to melt through his pants making them uncomfortably wet where he sat crouched on his knees by her. Christmas was approaching and with it came winter break, something Sirius had never looked forward to. His only saving grace was he'd be spending it half at the Potters and half at the Lupins, his mother had almost sworn him out of the family multiple times this year. 

Lily rubbed her hands, the fabric of her gloves itching together with a fuzzy sound as she pressed them together. Soft pants of breath were clouding out in front of her, breath visible in the cold and Sirius suddenly wondered if he made the right decision. They weren't far from the main building, crouched up against the side of the brick tower and huddled beside the stair-case. The question  _ why  _ was about to be asked before Lily spoke up again, eyes catching Sirius' own, 

“Staff doesn't come here to check like they do the courtyards and it's not like we could get into the dorms right now. I have a hard enough time sneaking into the guys at night.” 

Sirius only raised an eyebrow at that, wondering how she came about this information. He doubted Lily ditched class a day in her life but that idea was slowly dissipating like the little warmth he had in this cold. Snow was still gently falling and he shook his head to rid the few flakes that landed on his face. Sirius voiced that very question, 

“Sneak out a lot, do you?” 

“A little, back in the day,” Lily replied, grinning back at Sirius with mischievousness he wouldn't expect of her. “During my last class as a first-year, my friends and I would skip and head out to the forest.” 

Sirius turned towards the very forest, eyes idly scanning over the trees that lined the school, trying to look past the dense brush that covered the many paths students carved out over the years. There wasn't much to do around the school, but the forest was known for being haunted and students often wasted time there. Even gaining the nickname the 'Forbidden Forest' as students reported inexpiable things occurring within it. Unexpected of miss perfect and her friends though, and he said as so,

“Surprised Marlene would go in there, spirits and all.” 

“It was a struggle..” Lily murmured, amusement still clear in her voice, “We had fun though, learned the best way to get past hall monitors.” 

Sirius hummed at that, curiosity stated at her explanation. The beat of silence that stretched wasn't uncomfortable, Lily still gazing out into the forest with past memories clinging to her. They were gone when she turned back to him, eyes losing the joyousness that filled them moments prior. Expression gone as stiff as her posture but still unwavering as she asked, 

“What are you hiding from us?” 

The accusation erased any pleasant atmosphere that had been building tentatively between them as Sirius scoffed, “There is no us.” 

“Fine.” Lily rolled her eyes, “What are you hiding from  _ them?”  _

“I never said I was hiding anything.” 

“You're a bad liar, Black.” A terse sigh blew past her lips and clouded the crisp air in front of her, “A bad friend and an even worse boyfriend lately.” 

The last of her sentence stung and Sirius tried not to grimace, tense shoulders going lax at her proclamation. He already knew that, but there was no way he was going to give Lily the satisfaction of being right. “Just because you and Remus are suddenly friends doesn't mean you know anything about him. Or us for that matter.” 

“Honestly.” Lily said disbelieving, “Alright then, tell me this. What class has Remus been stressed over for finals? Where has he been at dinner lately? What is Mrs. Lupin in the hospital for? How has – he..” She trailed off, stopping in the middle of her sentence. 

Sirius could feel his jaw open, mouth going askew at the last question and confusion marring his features that were reflected back in Lily's own. Hers smoothed out while Sirius' didn't, eyebrows furrowed the longer he looked at her for an explanation. She suddenly looked away, eyes avoiding him and searching back out into the forest. 

“..He hadn't told you that yet.” Lily said sheepishly, 

“No.” Sirius crossed his arms, “No he hadn't.” 

“Is she okay is it.. threatening or something?” Sirius finally asked, concern outweighing the childish jealousy that was rearing its head again. He hadn't meant to let the silence drag on so long, worry now clawing its way through his chest and anger at his own actions for not being worried over Remus sooner. 

“She's fine. I'm sorry, I hadn't realized Remus didn't tell you – I wouldn't have brought it up otherwise.”

Sirius couldn't help the sigh that left him, dragging his palm down his face and rubbing the heel into his eye. Fear melting at that and leaving him drained with the news, annoyed that Lily's point was only being proved further. “No, I mean you're right. I don't know the answers to any of those. I suck.” 

Her laugh was startling considering the conversation, “You do.” 

Even though Sirius was ready to admit it, hearing it from her still bruised his pride slightly and he couldn't help the narrowing of his eyes. He wasn't sulking, just shallow avoidance after an unfortunate set of circumstances, Sirius reasoned. 

“It's a good thing you have people that will forgive sucky you though,” Lily grinned, “Even me.” 

They shared matching smiles at that, grins lighting up both of their features. Sirius wasn't sure he was over the shallow digs Lily had thrown out, but he could reason they helped and undoubtedly rang true. He wondered how long it would have been for Remus to even tell him about his mother and his stomach sank again. Avoiding their problems worked both ways, Sirius was coming to realize and he shivered, knowing it had nothing to do with the cold. 

Snow was still coming down, starting to pile atop the already considerable inches that layered the ground. Lily's face had gone bright red from the cold, pale complexion blending in with her hair. It would melt though with the coming of spring and Sirius knew it wouldn't stay frozen over forever. Things would change and adapt, with the coming and going of seasons an unstoppable force, Sirius hoped he could grow with it. Move forward as the winter cycle came to a close, melting the snow that clouded the season. Sirius hoped it would melt away the capsule of time he felt stuck in with it.

** *  **

The slight touches turned more as Sirius burrowed his lips further into the skin at Remus' neck, lips ghosting over and marking the flesh he could reach. His arms wound tighter around his torso, hands stilling at the distinguished ribs he could feel from beneath his fingers, caressing each one slowly and carefully. 

Remus' head dropped to his shoulder, small puffs of air tickling at the back of his neck. Worry was eating at his insides still, conversations lay forgotten when he walked in to find Remus alone in his dorm room, tears clinging to the corners of his eyes and phone clutched tightly in his hand. It had always been rare to see Remus cry and Sirius always turned weak to his tears, comforting him in the only way Sirius knew how. Remus' own hands were still clutching at the back of Sirius' shirt, blunt nails digging into his back. 

His breaths were ragged, wet and catching on every exhale, refusing to look at Sirius. His face was firmly planted on his shoulder and Sirius could feel the wetness of tears still coating Remus' face but the latter still refused to move, wouldn't let Sirius even glimpse at the former's face. There was always the suspicion that Remus hated crying for the same reasons he hated getting sick and thus Sirius never really saw it. 

Only when they were kids, and even then, solemnly did Remus shed tears around the others. Even now, as he caressed the other and tried to calm him, did Remus budge. They stood in the middle of the dorm for a while, Remus still struggling to catch his breath and Sirius, in turn, trying to ease him. He was still dwelling with concern on the catch of Remus' spine with every touch when he finally started to calm, breath regulating and eyes drying. Sirius pressed a chaste kiss to his neck before Remus backed away completely. 

Face void of any trace that would have suggested he was any kind of worked up, carefully neutral as he faced Sirius again. “..Sorry.” 

Remus picked up his phone that had slipped through his grasp at the dramatic embracing that just previously transpired, surveying for damage before placing it on the desk beside his bed. His movements were stiff but easing with each moment as he paced back towards the twin bed and sat, eyeing Sirius carefully.

“Are you.. okay?” Sirius finally asked, coming to settle beside Remus. 

The change in his emotions almost have Sirius whiplash, as Remus rose an elegant eyebrow and smirked, “You're asking me that?” 

The worry was still gnawing at Sirius, probably to do with the fact that there was a lot unsaid, on both sides. Not that he would really say much to Remus anyways, not on his side, but his mother's hospitalization weighed heavily on his mind. Sirius hadn't known how to phrase what he wanted to talk about, never good with subtlety, “.. I talked to Lily.” 

Remus' eyes narrowed at that, posture going stiff again, “Talked?” 

“About your mom..” Sirius trailed off again and quickly defended, “She didn't know! Well, she thought you had already told me actually so it wasn't..” 

He wasn't sure where the sudden need to defend Lily came from, but the words were tumbling out of his mouth without much further thought. The idea of her getting in trouble, despite their little talk actually prompting this one, didn't sit right. Remus sighed, hands going to pinch the bridge of his nose in irritation. Exaught seemed to permeate around him since the beginning of the semester. Eyes still sunken in and tanned skin gone ashy, pale even compared to Sirius' light complexion. 

“What's wrong with her?” Sirius asked, 

“Why did Katherine's death scare you so badly?” 

The question seemed to come out of nowhere and Sirius could feel the widening of his eyes, surprise quickly coating his features as he stared back at Remus' determined one. The conversation should not have switched from Remus' mother to Katherine out of nowhere. Everything they needed to talk about was blurring into one and Sirius could feel the panic ceasing him, eyes glancing around to avoid Remus'. He didn't want to lie, but it was spewing before he could stop it, “It didn't. I just – don't. It wasn't that it scared me.” 

“Are you worried it'll happen to you?” 

“Of course not!” 

“Well, I am!” The rise of Remus' voice was enough to have Sirius looking again, “..I am. I have no idea where you go most of the time and you're so out of it sometimes you don't even recognize me.” 

“.. That was one time.” 

“No, that was the time I  _ told you.”  _

Sirius could feel confusion pull at his features again and he knew that Remus wasn't lying, eyes pleading into Sirius' own. He couldn't tell if the fear was reflecting from him or Remus, his stomach turning and his breath catching. The familiar pit in his stomach was back, the ball at the base of his throat tightening his airways.  _ It doesn't matter. It doesn't.  _

“I'm sorry.. I'm sorry.” 

Sirius was, pain and guilt and fear racing through him as he tentatively brushed his lips against Remus'. In all things an apology, a confession, forgiveness. So much that still needed to be said washed away with the kiss, leaving it behind in the salty trail tracking down onto his face. The rejection that didn't come would have hurt less than the tears falling from Remus' face to his own. Sirius held on tighter to his lifeline. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this will be the last chapter in their past for a while and the next will be set back into current time!


	7. Smother

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaa i really be forgetting my own fic huh - anyways take some happy and then angsty sirius <3
> 
> \+ chapter title if from daughter again, the song smother.

It was dark when Sirius opened his eyes, vision straining against the blackness that was surrounding him. The shadow was like a veil around him as he turned every which way trying to glance through the unfamiliar terrain. It was stifling and Sirius could feel the way his limbs seized, locking up in place and the catch of his breath sticking in his lungs. Hot and heavy as the tendrils of panic tangled up his limbs, sticky sweat matting around his temples and into his hair. There was still no light and Sirius was yet to feel anything as he cast his hands around in the darkness, seeking for any semblance, something to ground himself through the veil.

The flinch and retch of his hands back to his chest couldn't be helped as he felt the clammy smooth surface. Familiar yet not, as the flesh was too cold for any living being. Light flickered then, spotting brightly on the faceless figure. Masculine in its shape, wild hair, skin stretched tight over the shape of a face with no features. It was like a spotlight that shun too harshly and limited the amount Sirius could see, the only visible thing through the dark was the figure; a focal point in the middle of a stage that your eyes were drawn to.

Despite it, the voice was unmistakable. It eased the panic inside Sirius even if it was not quite right, something about it off. But it was easy to remember in the ways it had called his name throughout the years, the tilt of amusement that laced through it, condescending yet honest and undeniably apt in every word it voiced. Even with the lack of a face, Sirius felt as if he was smiling as he patronized, “You're dreaming of me again.”

The words seemed to click that yes, this was a dream, to Sirius as he stared at him. With the revelation there was a frightening air as to why his mind would conjure up a faceless figure of a Remus-like being. The mynute detail of the way his voice drawled seemed strange since there was no face, but as he thought it, black holes began to bore into the skin there. Sketches come to life and tangible as they span on the expanse of skin where Remus' face should be. It was nightmarish in the way they bore but there was no reminiscence of panic in Sirius as they shifted. Even in the creepy way his dream was reminding him of Remus, Sirius couldn't feel terror as he stared down at him. The spindly hand that belonged to the Remus-like being felt like plastic when it rested upon Sirius' cheek, but he still reveled in the affection from it. Pressing lightly into the palm that felt like death on his skin.

Even if it was nightmarish, it was still a fraction of Remus in a dream he could indulge in. The sigh of contempt left his lips as he questioned, “Would it really be considered you, when you're like this?”

A laugh left him despite the lack of a mouth but it lacked any amusement, scolding in its too high a pitch for actual Remus, “And who am I?”

The words startled Sirius, confused in the question the act-alike voiced and the touch of its hand began to feel unwelcome. Distrust settling inside Sirius' stomach as the swirling eyes emptied its gaze onto him. “I don't know.”

“You do.”

“You're not him.”

“Am I not?”

It morphed then, Remus' face overtaking the swirling mass and melting into the molten honey Sirius had known for years. The curve of his lips and the shape of his cheeks, light eyelashes, and tanned skin that glowed healthy under the spotlight. It still didn't feel right, even if the face was drawn straight from Sirius' memory, this was not Remus. “Why are we here?”

“You're never going to let him go, are you?” It asked instead, the lips on its face now frowning in distaste.

When Sirius didn't answer it changed again. Face morphing into child-like glee with an infection grin and pink hair that had always suited her. Not that this was her, Sirius had to remember, as its lips curled into a satisfied smile once again. The hand was removed from his face, stiff limbs like melting plastic as it moved around and out of the light, figure barely visible through the mass of darkness it was diving in and out of. Ghost like as it phased through the light and back, eyes watching Sirius the entire time with a teasing manner. Finally, it stopped, voicing again but now in Dora's voice, “You're still holding onto him.”

“No I – “ the lie stopped halfway as Sirius considered it. It was the two of them in this dream, a conversation no one else would ever know of. Suddenly this talk felt pointless and the drain of it had Sirius sagging. “He's not mine. There's nothing to hold onto.”

It smiled then, cruel and malicious as if catching him in a trap. The mystery solved, the chase over, the winner declared. Dora's face changed again, morphing into his own and the blankness in its eyes felt as if it was reflective. A mirror rather than a person. “You're a suffocator.”

“I know.” Sirius and the look-alike replied in tandem.

The pull of wakefulness was dragging at Sirius as he stared at himself still, the figure of himself drifting as the land of the living continued to pull. It morphed again, feminine and young and the horror Sirius felt in the dream had him blanching, eyes drawing and scrabbling to focus on the shape-shifter even with the urge to wake, the dream fading too quickly. Katherine's eyes peering up at him in fear as the dream was ripped from him and the blinding of morning light was spilling into the apartment as Sirius woke.

*****

The nightmare had left Sirius edgy and antsy, his mood soured even as he tried to focus on the words Remus was saying, brain only paying attention to the draw of it, so similar to the conjured up version in his dream. Scenes of it playing on a loop and blurring into the scenery of the passing trees, zipping by from the speed of the car. Katherine's face edging into his thoughts and escaping every time Sirius tried to focus on it. It had been a long time since he'd thought of the girl or the incident when he had started dealing. Her death had affected him so greatly at the beginning and left him so quickly after they graduated. Sirius would be stupid to think her blood was the only ones on his hands, as his thoughts drifted idly to regulars who would suddenly stop showing up. So many people would cease to come only to be replaced by new customers and forgotten. A cycle that would continue without fail, another person seeking a high to aid them. Aid always turned to dependence and dependence was suffocating.

“.. That's why I decided to sacrifice myself to the overlord and achieve immortality, remember when James did that?”

Sirius hummed absently before abruptly turning back to Remus who had his gaze focused on the road ahead. “Wait, what?”

“Oh, so you were listening?” Remus drawled, face bored and entirely too pretty for the unamused expression it had taken.

Sirius took note of the paper spider that was attached to the keys dangling from the dash. It eased the nervous energy that had taken a place inside him, a smile he couldn't help as he admired Parker's work. He had been a larger impact on Sirius than he cared to admit, a large supporter and motivator when he got clean. Those were some of the worst weeks in his life and the memories were still muddled from fever and sick. The smile soured as he thought on it longer, suddenly wishing he could talk to his old cellmate. Those days still felt so present even now, life changing so drastically, people from his past becoming his present and those in that present his past. The reminder of months he had been out of prison was almost daunting. The timeline between past and present so twisted they almost felt unrecognizable, old faces mixed with new, so out of joint they felt unpredictable. His skin felt itchy and tight and Sirius had to actively avoid scratching at it, focusing back on Remus' question. Always focusing back on Remus. The center and the disaster Sirius always found himself spiraling around.

“Sorry, I guess I'm a little out of it today.”

“.. Are you okay?”

It was a dumb question. Memories of their school days came flashing back with it, the question so often voiced it felt rehearsed through the years. Their first prank, Sirius' first time high, rushing to classes, Katherine's death, Regulus self-destructing, Mrs. Lupins’ death, leaving home. Shy tentative kisses Sirius could still taste, days in bed struggling to get Remus to rest, their willow tree with carved in benches, bleeding knuckles and black eyes, two scrawny cats struggling for life, two equally scrawny teenagers struggling just as hard. There was so much history that it left him choking, the past clinging to his actions like dirt he couldn't get out from under his nails. Stuck in a time-lapse and unable to move forward, stuck in an internal winter where the spring never came to thaw the capsule of ice he still felt stuck in. Sirius suddenly wanted to scream _no._ Nothing had felt okay for a long time. Nothing about them was ever okay.

He hadn't needed to as he took in the careful look Remus was regarding him with. That truly was the scary part of it all. Through all of that, the years of their lives together, Remus knew it. Living through them all with him, he knew Sirius completely. From his heartbeat, to the sound his bones made when they cracked, the taste of his blood and the feeling of his hands on his. And despite it was still here, after all the shit Sirius had put him through, what _he did._ Knowing it and still having the stomach to even look at him, to touch him, to be around him. Moving past the blizzard of ice and living in the fresh breath of spring. Sirius felt lacking, always falling behind as he struggled and pushed and fought to be here in the present.

He didn't need to answer and Remus probably didn't expect him to, so he was surprised himself when he replied, “Not yet.”

It was a rope thrown out into an abyss he wasn't sure Remus was in. Another board to a bridge he was so tentatively building. One more piece of the truth, another chance, a step out of the storm. Sirius didn't want to build this on lies again, couldn't handle the thought of another betrayal, another crack coming between them. The steps still felt all backwards, starting in places he shouldn't be, the order of things completely fucked. He wasn't sure if it was relief or fear he felt when Remus said, eyes intently trained on the road and avoiding,

“I'm not either.”

*****

Sirius immediately felt suspicions when the two finally pulled into James and Lily's driveway which had multiple cars already lined along the streets. There was loud music drifting from their backyard, base loud enough that it vibrated through him even in the car. He turned, expectantly towards Remus who was still actively avoiding his eyes.

“I thought this was just a regular dinner.”

“.. It is?” Remus questioned, cautiously turning back towards Sirius.

Sirius only raised his eyebrow higher and stared, awaiting further explanation which Remus eventually gave in to after several long moments of guilty silence. “Lily is throwing a surprise party for you.. surprise!”

“Oh you're serious?” Sirius laughed before realizing and held up his hand, “Don't you dare make a name joke right now.”

Remus gave a grin to that, face lighting up with the movement. It made Sirius' heart hammer like when they were teenagers and he couldn't help give a matching one. The tense atmosphere in the car had dimmed over time as they fell back into their usual routine. Thankfully, Sirius' mood diminished with it, no longer were his thoughts stuck on the nightmare or the past. Like a broken record that kept scratching over the same lyrics but overtime smoothed out into the rest of the song. The slamming of the front door drew both of their attention, as Lily came running out with a questionable substance smudged on her cheek. Sirius opened the door and exited the car at the same time as Remus before getting pulled into a hug by Lily,

“Surprise!”

“You know my birthday isn't for another three months, right?” Sirius asked, still grinning.

“Ha-ha very funny. This is to celebrate you becoming a free man!” Lily said, releasing him, “A party was in order for your achievement!”

Sirius could feel his eyebrow raise again at that, eyeing the door. His curiosity was piqued as the music still pounded from the yard, crowded voices, and laughs emitting over it. “A party?”

“Just some old friends and a couple of new ones,” Remus supplied, “Don't tell me you don't like surprises anymore?”

The teasing nature in which Remus said it felt like school days and planning pranks and Sirius was suddenly thankful to see this side of him again. His eyes were alight with something mischievous and playful, easy in the way he dragged Sirius into the house with him. Those thoughts were periodically distracted as he took in the appearance of the house, streamers and balloons attached to the ceiling and a large banner was hanging above the sliding doors that lead to the backyard. Lily paced around to the front of him again, eyes scanning nervously across his face but a small confident smile sat on her features. Eyes shining with the same mischievousness Remus' held, assured and filled with mirth.

“Welcome home, Sirius.”

She recited the words that were painted across the white banner in large blocky letters that no doubt belonged to James. The warmth that spread through his chest was enough to burn away the rest of the fear that clung to him from the morning, his smile spreading with it. Gratitude and love were flowing through him so freely and he couldn't help the dramatic hug he pulled her into nor the few tears that sprung to his eyes that he buried in her hair. A dam that had been built up over the years was cracking, flooding away and chipping at the ice he felt inside him. Smile spreading so large it felt like it was cutting into his cheeks, muscles gone taught with the movement, but still, he couldn't bring himself to care as he relished in this feeling of home. In this feeling of happiness. 

*****

James was very occupied with chasing a six or seven-year-old around the yard, passing through the crowds and weaving between different faces some of whom Sirius did and didn't recognize. It was when he almost slammed headfirst into a planter box trying to catch the child did Sirius laugh. Sirius easily stopped the child with James cornering her into one side of the yard, as she skidded to stop and looked up innocently at Sirius when he had managed to stop her. Too innocently. Her twin tails swished wildly at the abrupt stop and James came rearing up behind her, bangs sticking and matting to his face from sweat. She only gave a sweet smile before ducking beneath Sirius and darting out into the rest of the crowd, figure blurring with the rest of the guests as she weaved through them again.

“Gah so close! - Sirius!” James stopped, panting slightly, “You're hereee!”

Sirius was quickly tackled into another hug, none too gracefully, as they both almost tumbled to the ground. “Where else would I be?”

“Did you see the banner?” James said instead, “I helped make it! Do you like it? - Lily was super strict on keeping this party secret. I swear it was like dorm parties again, oh but the banner! You saw it, right?” 

“Yes James,” Sirius laughed, “It was great really mate, I loved it.”

James grinned at that, eyes crinkling up in appreciation with the movement. “I was hoping you would – when did you get here?”

“Just now really. Dunno where Remus already wandered off to.” Sirius briefly searched for him in the yard, eyes catching on old faces instead. They felt archaic and Sirius suddenly felt much too old as he took in faces he hadn't seen since he was in his teens. Vague names surfacing to his mind before being swallowed and washed out in the tide. There were a few he couldn't recognize at all, idly wondering how many people Lily actually invited. Music was still blasting pleasantly through speakers that brought back memories of said dorm parties. Content was still threading through Sirius' veins giving everything a soft edge, one no drug could ever duplicate, as he turned back to James.

“Who was that you were chasing?”

“Ahh! James sighed, eyeing the crowd in search for the little girl, “Hestia's kid. I didn't even know she had a daughter. Well, she didn't really seem like mother material back in school, you know?”

“To be fair neither did you.” He mused before, “Jones has a daughter now?” 

James' answer was a slight laugh as he shook his head, eyes drifting back to the crowd, “Right. I'm gonna be a dad. But yeah, yeah! Her and Benjy settelted a few years ago, weird right?” 

It was said so wistfully Sirius couldn't help his own laugh at James' expense, but the feeling of warmth burned just a little more. With the music still drifting and the wafting smell of meat coming in, Sirius thought this day was already much better. The nightmare fully out of his mind and the feeling of anxiety replaced with ease. Weird indeed. 

James placed an arm around him swinging him back towards the house, “Let’s get some food!”

*****

He had found Dora and Teddy, sitting by themselves at the corner of the couch while other guests lingered about the living room. James had been pulled away by a group of people Sirius didn’t recognize leaving Sirius to wandered through the house himself. She was adjusting Teddy on her lap as the toddler continued to squirm out of control, just as Sirius sat beside them. Dora glanced briefly, a smile lighting her features, before turning back to settling the wiggling Teddy. The child squealed in delight and wobbled over to Sirius, promptly sitting in his lap and stilling at once. 

Dora huffed at that, “Oh so you’re fine as soon as Uncle Sirius comes in, huh?” 

The toddler gave a very cheeky smile up at Sirius, eyes lighting up in a way that reminded him of Remus and it made something bittersweet twist in Sirius’ chest. He patted the child gently on the head before turning back to Dora, grinning, “Well of course. I’m everyone's favorite.” 

“Debatable.” She mused still smiling, “Maybe just for today.” 

“Get a pass do I?” He asked, bouncing the toddler slightly, “I have to confess I don’t know or remember most of these people.” 

“Aren’t they mostly from your guys’ school?” Dora asked, smoothing out the pattern on her dress now that her hands were free. Sweat was sticking to her hair slightly but her stiff posture was relaxing as the cool air from the house blasted over them. Sirius thought being a parent must be exhausting. 

Lily quickly collapsed beside them before Sirius could answer, hair spewing out beneath the couch and jostling the three of them. She let out a very long sigh, “Yes and no. Gahh so many people. It’s so hot - too hot.” She gave a long flick of her hand, fanning her face with it. 

“Being a host getting tiring, Lily?” Dora asks, a teasing smile spreading over her face. 

“So. Many. People.” She repeated, accenting each word with a sigh, “But it’s worth it. You’re having fun?” Lily asked, turning to Sirius then. 

“Lots,” Sirius replied easily.

Music was still floating pleasantly into the living room and the cool air was a welcome change. Joy was still spreading through him with seeing new and old faces, not suffocating like he would have thought. Easy in the way he was melding through conversations, comfortable in each interaction. Teddy stirred slightly as Sirius plopped him back onto Dora’s lap, the toddler giving him another toothy grin. Warmth that had nothing to do with the heat of the day was encasing Sirius and melting any of the previous anxiety away with its touch. Life felt as if it would really be okay at this moment.

“Good.” Lily said sitting up straighter, “You still have another surprise.” 

Sirius raised an eyebrow at that, “Another surprise?” 

“That is what I said,” She teased, smile lighting her features, “It was one I really had to work on getting for you.” 

Sirius’ curiosity piqued further at that, “Work on getting for me?” he repeated her again, “And what might that be?” 

“It’s a surprise for a reason, Sirius.” Dora teased. 

“Don’t tell me you know toooo!” He whined, “You’ll tell your favorite cousin, won’t you?”

“For a reason!” Lily repeated, “You’ll get it soon enough just be patient.” 

Sirius sighed melodramatically, with hand over heart, “Oh how my heart bleeds! This secrecy can’t come between us any longer Lily!” 

Her deadpan stare didn’t last very long, smile cracking, “I’m sure you’ll survive this heartbreak.” 

“I doubt it,” Sirius continues in woe, “I’ll need something to mend this crack between us!” 

“There are snacks outside,” Dora intervenes just as faux hurt, “Perhaps only an offering can heal this wound!” 

Lily only shakes her head at that, smile still in place. She settles more on the couch, eyebrow raising and expectant, “Well you’re not expecting me to get it are you? Pregnant and all.” She accented this with another teasing smile, placing her hand over the hardly there bump. 

Sirius only laughs on the way out back to the yard.

*****

Sirius’ hands are messy now, eating strips of barbequed steak on the grass, in the sunshine as Marlene picks the petals off a daisy sprouting from beneath them. Dorcas is by her side, holding the other hand and smiling pleasantly as the sun bounces off her dark hair. The conversation flows easily and Sirius can remember when he had first seen them again, the smell of the coffee and the way their rings shined in the dim lighting. Their lovesick expressions still sting but the happiness he feels for them is more tangible. 

Sirius lingers there, listening to their idle conversation about nothing really important, and it feels nice. Scuffing his shoes against the grass and tugging at his sleeves, domestic and so strikingly normal in their conversation. The laughter of children is coming from somewhere and the music still beats pleasantly, other chatter is tingling throughout the crowds in the Potters backyard. These moments were something Sirius had dreamed about in prison - the life outside of it, grasping at memories of them. Desperately he grasped at them in a decaying cell, but he could never manage to hold them. As if grains of salt they would slip through the crevices and cracks of his hands until he could only feel the faint tingling of what once was. Memories spilling out like cupped water. 

But here and now in the present, they were being made in succession that gave Sirius pause. Struggling to keep up with the contempt each new one brought, the happiness that coursed through him with every smile. Peter joins them on the grass next and with him is Melody, whose full of bright grins and sharp words that crack with each flick of her tongue. Bringing terrible jokes that make Sirius laugh anyways, who he doesn’t know at all but it doesn’t matter. Because his smiles still come easy and Peter is making his own jokes that are equally terrible.

The taste of ash that Sirius had become so acquainted with is now sweet watermelon and sour lemonade and laughter. 

*****

It was unexpected when Sirius found Eleanor pacing by a table filled with drinks, eyeing her as she stared down at the filled cups. Being the very social person she was he was surprised to see her standing alone. Despite it, she still looked like she belonged. Naturally blending into the crowd of the party. It was filled with mostly old friends, faces Sirius hadn't seen since his school days, some he didn't know at all. Still, he was surprised Nel was here, and even more surprised Remus had thought to invite her after their awkward interaction at their workplace. He never got more out of either of them on what conversation took place after he went into the backroom, but based on Remus' hesitance and grimace whenever she was brought up, Sirius assumed nothing good.

She was still glancing down at the cups when Sirius came up behind her, hoping to startle her, “You're not going to slip something in them, are you?”

“I am trying to decide – “ Nel grinned, not surprised in the least, “which one might be spiked.”

“None. Lily wouldn't spike them with kids at this party.” Sirius laughed, eyeing said children as they ran around and zipped through the legs of various adults. He looked for Teddy but figured the two must still be inside, eyes idly scanning the expanse of the yard and smiling when he saw Dorcas with Marlene again. His mood was still soaring, a high no drug could give, after seeing everyone.

“Now that is a shame,” she sighed, turning back to Sirius again with a grin, “You don't seem surprised to see me?”

“More surprised you came, Nel. Or that Remus asked you to.”

Her eyes were as large as ever, amused and blown out to the point of worry. Sirius had wondered if she was on something when he first noticed it. Glassy and familiar in the ways his own reflected that look in his youth. There was never anything else that matched the behavior though. No chronic lies or cracked lips, skin not gone pale with sick. Besides that, trust came easily with her words. Reassurance spoken effortlessly that left no room for doubt in his mind. Their shared past solidifying each time she shook off his worry.

The smile on her face seemed to grow at that before finally picking up one of the paper cups and drinking from it casually. She wandered to one of the folding chairs placed out in the yard and Sirius trailed after her, joining her as she sat before she finally answered, “It was quite an interesting conversation. He doesn't seem to like me very much.”

“Well did you do something to him?”

Nel laughed lightly at that, eyes scanning Sirius' own for a moment. She crossed her legs and took another sip of her drink all while still observing, critical, and curious as if watching a very interesting case unfold. There was something admirable in the way she looked so comfortable and blended in so easily in a new environment. It made Sirius squirm with her sudden change of attitude, unused to Eleanor being anything but easy-going as the smile slipped from her features. Finally, she sighed, amusement gone from her face mending into something very pitying. “You're so far gone, Siri.”

His stomach sank because he knew she wasn't wrong. He always had been.

“I have something if you want to stop thinking about it.” Eleanor proposed then, noting the dread overtaking the smile that was quickly slipping from his own face.

“I'm not interested in getting drunk, thanks though.”

“Wasn't talking about that kind of something,” She mused with the same amusement as before, “I never took you for such a masochist though. You sure like to torture yourself over him.”

“And I didn't take you for someone who cared so much,” Sirius bit out, suddenly annoyed with the turn in conversation, “I didn't ask for a life evaluation.”

The bitterness of his words didn't deter her, the smile she gave almost inappropriate given the conversation. It was condescending and it made the same irritation turn in his stomach. She took another sip while watching him, as if Sirius was a child throwing a tantrum she was waiting out.

“And as your friend I gave it anyways.” Another sip. “I'm serious though. If you want to forget about it all for a bit, I have something.”

*****

Sirius' surprise was wearing off and bleeding into curiosity as he took in the scene before him, the whispered argument inaudible from where he stood, but obvious in the way Remus' face turned sour with displease. The two forms were the only ones in the kitchen, conversing with heated words in the empty room. The question he had wanted to ask still lingering in his mind even after all these months, close to a possible answer as they continued to fight, words drowned out in the music and too quiet to be heard over it anyways. Sirius only stood still a moment later, as the shock finally lifted and the curiosity was forgotten with the way Remus' face twisted into panic.

He only took a step into the kitchen, footstep echoing loudly in the now silence of the room and drawing both pairs of eyes towards him, halting their conversation. Remus' didn't lose the panic, eyes impossibly wide and worried, as if he was about to become a predator's new prey. His entire expression was reminiscent of a deer caught in the headlights, actually, before it smoothed into something hollow. Carefully constructed to blankness that threw Sirius back to summer days and eroding playgrounds.

Worry was nagging at the back of Sirius' brain at his reaction but it was forgotten as Regulus looked disdainfully up at him. For some reason, Sirius hadn't expected him to age like the rest of them. The image of his younger brother was still burned into his memory. Aristocratic features always turned up in some form of a snarl, eyes hateful and distrusting as they bore into Sirius' own. No, Regulus gave that look to everyone, not just him. He grew up hating the world and everyone in it. His expression hadn't changed but it was too similar looking now.

Faces too similar with Regulus' grown out hair, eyes carved in with dark circles and skin pulled tight across high cheekbones. If it weren't for the grimace pulling across his features, Sirius would have thought him his twin. Even their styles felt too familiar, blacks and reds were something Regulus would definitely _not_ have worn when he was younger. Confusion and something like dread was sitting tight in Sirius' own stomach, something very wrong with this picture, with the way Regulus' hand was still gripping at Remus' wrist. Mind flashing to the way Remus reacted when cornered back at Andromeda's house, the laughter, the hysteria, the same panic etched in his eyes moments prior.

The feeling eased when the snarl on Regulus’ face finally smoothed, thin lips turning up into a smile and releasing Remus' wrist like he was never holding it. The picture turning normal, not whatever the hell that just was, as Regulus took a tentative step away from Remus and towards Sirius instead. Confusion was still sitting heavy in Sirius, twisting and turning causing his brain to halt, questions on the tip of his tongue. Accusations waiting to be spilled, explanations waiting to be demanded. Sirius didn't have time to think over if he was about to make those demands.

“You look well.”

Regulus' words were smooth, recited sounding as if he had been thinking on them for a long time or reading from a script. The smile he wore was patient and welcoming and nothing like that was ever directed at Sirius from his brother. It was fake, Sirius realized suddenly, an act that would have fooled anyone but him. The dread sank further when Remus stood very still and very silent beside him.

“Why are you here?” Sirius asked instead, confusion still pulling at him too hard for him to try and keep niceties up.

One elegant eyebrow rose slightly and Sirius wondered if that's what he looked like when the action was on his own face. Their features too similar even now. The practiced smile was slowly easing off of Regulus' face, raised eyebrow twitching at the question.

“Should I not be?” Regulus asked, but he was looking to Remus now. The question completely diverted back and the dread sank further. There was something very wrong with this.

“Moony?” Sirius prompted, waiting for him to stop standing like stone and eyeing the arch that led back into the living room. Sirius really thought he would run for a minute, eyes intently trained on the opening and ignoring the two completely.

“You are – I mean,” he stopped, breathing deeply, “Lily said you wanted to see him again.”

This wasn't exactly what he had in mind when he first brought it up to either of them. Then again, he hadn't exactly expected the response he got from Remus when he first questioned him about Regulus and their elusive past. He didn't think it would be like – well whatever this was. Sirius' eyes strayed back to Remus, eyeing the wrist that had just been clutched in his brother's grip. None of this made sense. None of it making sense was replacing the dread with irritation, quickly flaring now that the shock of seeing his brother was gone. Why the hell they had so many secrets that were kept from Sirius, he didn't know, but was very over them.

“What were you arguing about?”

“Nothing.” Remus sighed, eyeing the arch again, “You two should catch up –“

“When did you talk to him then? When did you invite him?”

“Pads we can talk about it later-”

He had stepped in front of the arch before he realized it, effectively trapping any other exit Remus would have had. The irritation only grew at the flat look Remus gave him in return, eyes narrowing the longer Sirius didn't move. “Later is never for you.” Sirius bit out.

“Sirius,” Remus warned, “move.”

“Answer the question.”

The redirection to this conversation was only adding to the irritation Sirius could feel building, voice rising slightly with annoyance the longer Remus avoided each question. He glanced to Regulus, who looked as annoyed as Sirius felt. Eyeing Sirius warily and watching the scene unfold securely from his spot in the kitchen, it was so like the younger Regulus Sirius knew, watching to see how things would play out.

“You're not entitled to an answer. Now move.”

“Really Rem?” Sirius laughed disbelieving, “If you're really gonna do that, then I'm not _entitled_ ” He mimicked, “to move for you.”

The glare he was receiving from Remus almost made him melt on the spot, resolve faltering before it moved to Regulus when the latter muttered, “He still acts like a child.”

Remus gave a very long sigh, shoulders sagging in sudden exhaust, “If you're not even going to try then just leave.”

Regulus looked sharply up at that, eyes widening for only a moment before it reverted back to cool indifference. Emotions melting back into nothingness and that in itself was infuriating to Sirius, these subtle glances that he didn't understand, shouldn't have to. Jealousy he never thought he'd have to feel, from his brother of all people, came bubbling up and with it cruel words, “No. Where the hell have you even been?”

“Wow. That's rich coming from you of all people.” Regulus scoffed, “You're really asking where _I've_ been? I've _been here._ ”

“Clearly. Got all close with Remus, did you? Thought that was a good way to get back at me for leaving? You should have rotted in that house with our parents. You were always the perfect little son.”

The words were tumbling without thought, anger building the longer Regulus stood with his better than everyone attitude. The lack of answers. Secrecy and deceptions and deflection. This wasn't how he wanted this meeting to go. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. Regulus' own eyes narrowed at that, snarl curling on his face again, the expression so familiar Sirius could hear the shrieks of their mother, the chemical cleaner used in their home, the peeling of the wallpaper.

“Sirius stop.”

“Well, you couldn't do it! Too fucked out of your mind to know who was who most of the time. I'm surprised you even remembered who was the better son.”

“If by better you mean a child who mended to any whim our parents ever had, you were nothing more than a tool for them. If you think there was any semblance of family or love in that, you're a bigger idiot than I thought.”

“Sirius-”

“Really I'm the idiot?” Regulus laughed at that, the sound of bells ringing dangerously on a windy day, “I'm not the one that got addicted just because I couldn't cope.”

“No that's right, you just got mad at the rest of the world! Leaving everything and everyone as soon as it became too much, _poor you.”_

“Poor me? At least I didn't sell out my friends for some scum like –“

“ _Enough!”_

It was sudden and loud enough in the gap of their conversation that both of their heads snapped in unison to the sound of Remus' voice. Uncharacteristic anger was filling his features, hands fisted so tightly the knuckles turned white, breaths long and controlled as if he was taking a great effort to not start ranting. Like Sirius probably should have been doing. His mouth latched closed as he thought back on everything he had just said. Regret already festering up and drowning out the irritation the longer Remus glared at him. There was a long lull, Sirius hadn't dared to look back at his brother dare the resentment spark back.

There was one more long intake of breath before finally, “Out. We need to talk.”

Sirius guiltily glanced up at Regulus before realizing that no, _Sirius_ was the one being asked to leave. Remus' stare was hard and left no room for argument, eyes boring into Sirius' own with a promise of hell if he were to even try. The protests were already dying on his lips. From their years together, Sirius had learned, that look was not one to cross, no matter how angry he had gotten. It was never worth it. The dread was back and it felt like lead as Sirius stepped out without another look back.


	8. Sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so im hoping the timeline in this fic isn’t going to be too confusing for anyone? It was written with the intent of going back and forth until the reader discovered the full picture from both sides, past and present. This is set from the last chapter written in REMUS’ perspective - back at the potters house in chapter 4 and shows the conversation that was skipped over until the reader learned some of their backstory and then back to the present timeline at the party where we left off with remus and regulus fighting. :)

The air conditioning blew heavily over Remus’ neck causing goosebumps to rise and the burning of his flesh to cool. The burning in his lungs hadn’t ceased, breath stuttering on every exhale and the feeling of panic was overwashing with calm. Safety in the cool of the Potters household was going off like alarms with the mix of dread still sitting heavy in his stomach. It gave Remus a horrible mix that left him disoriented. Lily was still mulling about the kitchen, sudden movements throughout the house left Remus flinching away from the sound. Adrenaline crashing and burning, bringing him with it. 

A mug of something was brought into his view, reflecting the worried look of both the Potters before Remus cast his eyes back to the steam rising from the cup. It looked too hot to drink and Remus had no interest in letting the liquid sear the back of his throat. He drank from it anyway, an excuse to not speak, as the silence stretched on. The three of them found themselves in the quaint and familiar living room, large couch comfortably sitting them together, even as Lily kept sending worried and alarmed glances to Remus. 

Not that he could really blame her, having suddenly shown up in the early hours of the morning, before the sun had even risen with no warning. The liquid was searing as Remus suspected, tea that hadn’t steeped long enough, only a hint of hibiscus hitting his tongue. James coughed somewhere in the distance but it was quickly swallowed up by the silence. Lily, tentatively, took the cup from Remus’ hand after several moments of him staring down at the liquid. 

Her grip was soft but firm, much like all of her, and it grounded Remus back into reality. His mouth worked around words waiting to be spilled, brain halting on how to phrase it, how to even think it. Flashes of his face getting stuck in memory, his past and present self morphing together and letting uncertainty hatch in Remus’ brain. Because _no_ , it wasn’t possible for him to be here. For any of them to be here. Phantom touches skittering across his skin, slimy smile still in place, the heavy stench of fear from his memory blurring into the present. Of rat-infested homes and needles skewed over every surface, a shiny desk that was misplaced, the handoffs of a plastic baggie and wads of cash.

Those very thoughts must have been showcased on Remus’ face because Lily looked increasingly worried, wrinkling and furrowing her brow and tilting her lips so far down it almost ripped a laugh from him. But he knew he had to say something soon, seemingly irrational in his actions and his words and causing unnecessary worry for them. The words still catch despite Remus’ best efforts, sentence stopping, and stuttering because they keep getting stuck before he can even form them. 

“Did you know-” he coughs, his voice coming out too rough, too thick with emotion, too scared. He stops before questioning instead, “Why is Rosier out of prison?” 

The silence stretches again, Remus’ own question swallowed up in it, to the point if he wondered if he really asked it. He takes the cup again, letting the too-hot liquid slide down his throat and wished it was something stronger than tea. Lily’s face takes on the same horrified expression, as marred with confusion as Remus feels and he suddenly doesn’t feel as alone. The whirring of their air conditioner kicks on again, breaking through the quiet and blasting them all with a chill unbecoming of summer. 

“He-” James starts but abruptly stops, brows furrowed as if in deep concentration, “When did you.. see him? He isn’t. He can’t be - his sentence hasn't ended.” 

The air seems to settle and the panic in Remus ceases, suddenly feeling very silly for randomly coming; as if a child spooked in the middle of the night that ran to his parents. He wanted to laugh again, because it was all so absurd seeming now, so childish. Remus wished he had grown as a person more than this. Still, he did see Rosier and with him brought back the feeling of drug houses and dealings and memories Remus thought he’d made peace with. Of cops and death and the news headlines of a drug trafficking ring. A long exhale escapes him, strangled out like a sigh. Approached alone and so suddenly it left Remus reeling, because right, _how_ could he be?

But the article still read as clearly as it did when Remus first saw it - bright screen glaring up at him from the middle of the night and wrapping him in a panic he hadn’t felt since Sirius came crashing back into his life. His hand surprisingly didn’t shake when he pulled up the article again, fingers nimbly scanning through until he reached the top. The header still gave him pause, eyes glued to the top: ‘ **11 criminals released early were tied to a large-scale UK drug trafficking ring!’**

The article went on to name some of the criminals that had been released early, Rosier’s mugshot at the top of the page. Remus hadn’t seen the picture since the initial trial and it swept a chill through him as he passed the phone to James who very slowly read through the article, Lily scanning it from behind his shoulder. 

James let out a very long sigh when he was done reading, handing the phone back, “Sirius isn’t mentioned in it.” 

“..Yippie,” Remus replied dryly, taking back the phone and locking it. 

After some time and a few more articles to truly convince Lily, the two had assured her enough to go back to sleep, with them being in mutual agreement to not mention anything to Sirius. The news shouldn’t affect them in the slightest so there really was no reason to. It made Remus feel very silly for getting so worked up and suddenly wished he could take back his sudden appearance at the Potters household. Remus had been about to leave when James dragged him into the backyard to sit against the wall and smoke like teenagers. 

** * **

Despite the agreement to not bring it up, Remus couldn’t help thinking about it. Thoughts drifting back to those days and constantly worried over Sirius finding out - how he’d react to it, what he’d say. It left Remus irritable and antsy and overall feeling horrible every time he spoke to Sirius. Another secret he was keeping, stomach plummeting every time he thought of the upcoming party with Regulus in attendance. Anxiety gripped its claws into him and interfered with his daily tasks more so than usual, enough that even Andromeda was fussing. 

“You look terrible,” Dora mused, hands winding over his and tossing the blankets they were both under out of her way. “I can hear you thinking from all the way over here.” 

Her hair was sticking up in various directions, blue streaks defying gravity and others sticking to her forehead and flattened against her ears. She was only looking at him through slitted eyes, still half-way closed from the light and shutting as the seconds ticked by. The morning light was streaming in and it casted attractive shadows against her pale skin, slight freckles catching in the sunlight. Remus huffed out a laugh at the clash in her appearance, and found himself tracing all the similarities he could find in their son.

“I’m sorry,” Remus murmured back in the quiet, “Were my thoughts keeping you up?” 

Her eyes popped open again at the laugh, eyebrows furrowed and lips tilting up in similar amusement. She rolled over closer, scooting just enough so that she was practically on top of him. “Yes, there were just so many of them I couldn’t sleep!” 

“My apologies,” Remus shifted, intertwining their hands. His thoughts shifted to Sirius when he locked them together, of the park and nostalgia and guilt. “I’ll try to keep them down next time.” 

Her grin dimmed then, lips downturned and cautious as she looked up at him, tightening her grip on his hand. She sat up a little, properly looking at Remus now and it made him feel so much more on display he wanted to turn away. “Really, what's wrong, love?”

It was said too kindly, running her other hand to the side of Remus’ face when she asked and it made him choke on something guilty and ugly that had been building inside his chest. Her words were soft and her tone even softer, worry marring her attractive features. Remus could feel the sigh building, shaking his head, “Nothing. I’m just worried about the party - with Regulus and everything.” 

“Everything will work out, I’m sure Sirius will understand once you just talk to him.” Dora let out a content sigh, tracing circles over Remus’ hand, “You’ve come this far you two can’t give up now.” 

Remus wondered how true those words really rang, their walk in the park playing over his mind's eye again. Everything still felt muddled and he wasn’t sure how he could explain it to Dora - words getting caught in his throat each time he tried. Frustration was building under Remus’ skin. Ever since Sirius came back into his life he felt 18 and young and inexperienced in everything. Scared and unable to move forward, any amount of progress he made back in New York felt washed away back in London. Sirius had always done that though, a force that would blow through towns and wreck everything in his way. Remus always ended up on the other side of it somehow. There was never a middle ground when it came to them. 

Dora sighed and her breath felt hot on his neck, bringing his attention back to her. “You need to stop thinking so much, everything is going to work out.” 

She left him with a parting kiss, just a brush of lips, before she was hauling the both of them out of bed. Remus left without much protest, mood lightening with his wifes reassurance. Something that felt like sin sat heavy in him still though, festering and twisting until it left Remus gasping for breath. Everything felt a little more manageable when Dora’s hand was in his and she looked at him with that smile though. 

*****

His thoughts kept getting caught on the whirr of the AC and how gaunt Lily’s face looked in the dark the last time he was here. But it was bright now, afternoon light streaming in past the windows and casting sunbeams that catch drifting dirt in their light. Soft music drifting with them as Sirius’ hair presses further into Remus’ own cheek. Fresh soap and the dampness of water were still clinging to it. He swayed them as gently as the music, softly turning this way and that and letting Remus follow easily in time with his movements. 

“You’ve been looking stressed,” Sirius murmured, breath hitting Remus’ cheek. 

The music was drowning out his thoughts and he couldn’t feel the burn of watery tea on his tongue anymore. Letting them drift with the music and his movements - easily going with Sirius as he spun them slowly around. Dora’s laughter carried over the music from somewhere outside and Remus' thoughts eased with it. Comorted and easy in the warmth between them and the carefree sound of his wifes laughter farther away. 

“Have I?” 

Sirius’ nod sent his hair jostling against his cheek, “Are you worried about having to go back - to the states I mean.” 

“Not really. I miss home these days.” 

The music stops for a brief moment and Sirius with it - releasing the grip on both of Remus’ hands where they drop uselessly down to his sides. The artificial freeze that blows down matches Sirius' face and Remus realizes he unintentionally hurt the other again. It causes discomfort to grow under his skin and the taste of iron to swell in his mouth. Their words and actions still clash, setting each other on edge with each movement. Remus’ hands hover over them for only a moment before they intertwine again, resuming their movements although clumsier with Remus now leading. 

Music still softly plays from outside as someone shuffles with the station and static overcomes the line before it lulls back into the song - acoustic guitar and sad lyrics that mirror Remus’ heart. They whirl together slowly and softly, hesitant as Remus leads them this way and that. Distracted as his thoughts keep getting caught. Caught on the feeling of warmth in his hands and on a forgotten lover and on a past he doesn’t want to remember. 

It’s easier as Sirius talks. Whispered past the music and in the quiet of the Potter’s living room, hot breath stinging Remus’ cheek. About Parker and how work has been, what the view from his apartment is like at twilight, how the noise from the city keeps him up at night. Easy in the way Sirius’ voice smooths from one topic to the next without ever needing input from Remus. It smooths his racing thoughts and the anxiety that ingrained itself, woven through the fabric of Remus’ personality. It smooths even further, in the huff of a laugh at ridiculous stories and the press of skin against each other.

*****

Despite Remus’ anxiety leading up to this day, none of it came the morning of. There was no ceasing panic and shortness of breath like he expected. No dread sitting in his stomach or bile climbing up his throat. His heart beat pleasantly against his ribcage, not shattering and painful as he expected it. Like everyone probably expected, as Dora kept casting suspicious and worry tinged glances his way as they mulled about that morning. Teddy was excited for the party, which he had just been told about, and was ready to make new friends after finding out children his age would be there. 

As Lily, clearly expected, her caller ID shining brightly and causing the phone to buzz and vibrate where it sat on the breakfast table. Remus handed over the spatula to Dora, passing the task of pancake making to her, as Teddy sat waiting at the dining room table with Andromeda by his side. Their conversation consisted of various zoo animals that his grandmother kept informing him could not in fact fly. Remus ducked out of the kitchen with his phone in hand before the child's questions could turn to him.

He hadn’t even said hello before Lily was shouting through the line, “Remus you’re still coming, right? You’re still going to pick Sirius up, right?” 

Despite her phrasing it like a question, Remus didn’t think he had very much choice in the matter. Her tone leaving no room for argument, he huffed, “Yes to both.” 

That gave her pause and the only sound Remus could hear was rustling on the other end, the line screeching slightly with how loud the background noise was. He cringed away from the phone slightly, hearing Lily scream about pasta and not potato salad before her voice rang through clearly again: “Oh. Okay, good. And did you know if Dora was still planning to come early and help?” 

Remus glanced back into the kitchen, smiling at the scene of his wife proudly serving a very burnt pancake before replying, “That should still be the plan, yes. Andromeda will be coming a little later with Teddy and then I’ll bring Sirius.” he sighed slightly, having already gone through this plan numerous times, “Just as your itinerary says, Lily.” 

Remus could hear the smile in her voice when she replied, “Oh perfect then! Everything is coming along great. Remember you can’t say anything until you both get here, I want it to be an extra special surprise.” 

Remus only hummed in reply before she continued, “Okay I gotta go now! I swear these catering people are going to burn down my entire house. Love you!” 

The line disconnected before he could get another word in, as was expected of a planning Lily on a warpath for a perfect party. The kitchen was starting to increasingly smell like smoke though and Remus figured Lily’s planning could wait until tonight. 

*****

The anxiety still didn’t come when Sirius acted fidgety and scared and well, like Remus would, on their way to the Potters. His face held a gauntness Remus hadn’t seen in a while, hands shaky and eyes distracted as they locked onto the blurring world. Despite trying to focus on the road, his eyes kept straying back to Sirius’ profile, worry starting to nag at the back of his brain. He was still too quiet, not even his typical snarky comments were filtering through the silence between them. Remus wondered if he knew. 

After several failed attempts at gaining Sirius’ attention, he starts monologuing about nothing, “She really is too harsh, I think any of the names James picked would have been great. Who doesn’t want a Luke Skywalker Potter in their lives? Almost named Teddy that myself.” 

Nothing. Remus resisted a sigh at the still blank look coating Sirius’ eyes. Worry increasing. 

“.. But instead I decided to sacrifice myself to the overlord and achieve immortality, remember when James did that?” 

There was only a slight hum before Sirius’ head snapped to his, blinking owlishly and confused. His expression was so bewildered Remus almost laughed, eyes drifting back to the road now that he had his attention. “Wait, what?” 

“Oh, so you were listening?” 

Sirius smiled then, soft and gentle and nothing like his normal grandeur that captivated those around him. It sent Remus’ heart hammering like when they were teenagers as he tried to keep his expression neutral. The dread that was encasing Sirius’ features was still present, eyes still too far off and the set of his mouth too grim. Remus almost swerved not paying attention and glued his eyes safely back to the road, minding the oncoming traffic into his lane. 

“Sorry, I guess I’m a little out of it today.”

His tone matched it too, weary and dazed sounding. Worry pushed past Remus’ lips, “Are you okay?” 

He felt stupid as soon as he asked it, clamping his lips shut and wanting to bang his head against the steering wheel. Obviously he wasn’t. Remus hadn’t taken his eyes off the road, only glimpsing and gauging Sirius’ reaction from his peripheral but it was enough. He wanted to take the words back, but didn’t know how to phrase it, lips staying sealed as the silence stretched. The blaring of a car horn had Remus focusing on the road again, mind trying to put off the conversation that was playing on loop.

It was a while before Sirius did reply, breaking the silence and nearly startling Remus, “Not yet.” 

His words brought back the feeling of the park and their hands intertwined, whispered confessions of hurt carried by the wind and drowned by the laughter of children. It made the familiar feelings of guilt stir and claw inside Remus and he wished they weren’t like this. Could be anything but this. His grip tightened on the steering wheel, calming the swell of emotion that pushed past him until he could speak again. 

“I’m not either.” 

*****

The days warmth carried over and seemed to melt the freeze that has been capsulising Sirius for the day. His smile breaking through - wolfish grin that burned like familiarity through Remus. 

It seemed to end as the days worth of panic came rearing its ugly head and raced through Remus the second Lily dragged him off into the kitchen. Memories choking and faultring his steps when he saw him complacently standing in the kitchen. His hair had grown out, long curls cascading to meet his shoulders and he looked far more like Sirius than he ever had. It made something ugly twist inside Remus’ stomach, something like distress clawing at his insides and reminding him of rooftops and silence and cigarette burns. 

His mouth went dry and the silence stretched, like it always did, because that’s as it's always been. Phonecalls and desolate parking lots could only bring up so many memories, but here and so close, it brought back the foul taste of ash and things Remus rather forget. The taste was wiped clean and Remus’ head stopped spinning because Lily was there suddenly, pulling at his wrist as gently as her smile was. 

“You two should talk before he sees Sirius again.” 

It was whispered in the quiet almost carried away by the music that still thumped outside and it was grounding to Remus. He wasn’t a scared teen and neither was Regulus, the world moving on outside a reminder of that. Remus wasn’t in a sketchy apartment with creaking floorboards and the taste of blood or trapped between a wall with Regulus on the other side.

“Not too much time now.” Lily was gone as soon as she came and the silence stretched and Remus tried not to get thrown back into whispered confessions and replacements. It was easier when Regulus spoke, still harsh and cruel and cold as it always had been, condescending in the tilt of his lips. “You look better than I thought you would.” 

“I’m flattered,” Remus murmured in return, “I’m surprised you actually came here.” 

He hadn’t meant for it to come out so incriminating, but it slipped out without thought and it was obviously the wrong thing to say, Regulus’ face twisting in displeasure. Remus resisted a sigh. He treaded closer, careful as if approaching a sporadic animal, “Sorry. I’m glad you came - you’re well?” 

His face relaxed and it was as smooth as his reply, “Enough. Though I’m surprised you’re asking. How’s Sirius?” 

Remus could feel his face stiffen at that, “.. Fine. About that he doesn’t-” 

His sentence was cut off by a loud shrieking of a child followed by laughter from outside, but it was sudden enough that Remus flinched. All the building up fear and anxiety was leading to this moment and Remus could feel it crashing around him, the world slightly swaying, ringing blasting through his ears that left him scrambling and clutching for breath.

The grip on his wrist hadn’t been reassuring like Lily’s, but harsh and too warm, skin searing where Regulus’ hand encased around it. It didn’t ground him at all like the youngest Black was probably trying to do. “Doesn’t know about what happened.” Remus finished. 

“What,” Regulus repeated, confused, “What doesn’t he know happened?”

Concern was burning through his tone and it was asked so softly, worry marring through his features that felt too close to the past and it made Remus squirm. Remus wanted to tug but his grip was still too tight and panic was still swimming through his veins causing everything to become fuzzy. Adrenaline spiking through him but making him slump with the exhaust of it. Actions not lining up with words because Remus didn’t know how to act around him now, their past sitting heavy and thick in his mind and thoughts of Sirius and every secret he wanted to keep buried.

“About _us,”_ Remus reiterated, annoyed and tired and still too panicky, “Or your father or any of it, so if you could-” 

A footstep echoes too loudly throughout the kitchen and Remus’ panic spurs.

*****

Looking at him now, Remus can’t remember the last time he’d seen Regulus. Maybe when he left England or - maybe even before that. His previous irritation was fading and it just left his skin buzzing with the faint want to scratch at it until it stopped. Tension he’d been feeling since he saw him again was leaving him and with it a sudden stump of exhaust that Remus always seemed to feel around Regulus. 

He was very tired of this all now. Guilt was still teetering at the edge of his brain though, as Regulus looked very solemn as if just scolded and his eyes kept going back to Remus’ face before skittering off. 

“Sit.” 

Remus slid into one of the counter stools as he said it, slow and careful as if to not spook the younger. The party was still very present outside the kitchen, but Remus tried to ignore it, favoring tracing the pattern on the granet with his eyes instead. A permanent sigh felt like it was building in his chest, lungs not fully expanding and catching on every exhale. 

“.. Sorry.” 

“You’re the worst.” 

“I know.” 

The shaky smile that was slowly lighting his features was good to see and it made Remus’ lungs ease and made breathing just a little easier. There was still a buzzing under his skin that made him want to tear through it, actions still coming sloppy and words unsure. The entire interaction reminded him too much of dark apartments and spring rain that had him wishing for snow. Remus wasn’t sure where to even start without breaking out in another fight but this felt like a good step. 

“He didn’t mean any of it,” Remus murmurs and he hopes it's the truth, “I think he’s just - overwhelmed.” 

Regulus doesn’t reply for a while, as if considering, before finally, “.. You haven’t told him any of it.”

Remus’ words get stuck on the way out as they often do as he watches Regulus’ face phase through different emotions. Disbelief. Rage. _Hurt._ There’s a twinge in Remus’ chest and he isn’t sure what it is - but Regulus still looks on in disbelief before it smoothes into regular indifference. He laughs then, cold and malicious, “Oh that’ll hurt him.” 

Remus knows that and it must be obvious on his face because the smile quickly slips and they’ve relapsed into silence. It’s uncomfortable and it brings back too many memories so Remus quickly pushes through it, “I’ll tell him soon. Not now, not when you’re here.” 

“So what I -” Regulus beaks off scoffing, “Play the good younger brother for you?” 

It hurts when put like that but Remus wasn’t sure it was wrong and the denial was dying on his lips before it even got out. He studies his chipping nail polish in favor of answering and again the silence overlaps, like residual static in a tv that won’t shake. They phase through the different channels trying to find one to connect on but it keeps buffering and shaking, switching between black and white and blurring colors. 

“I don’t want you to play at anything.” Remus finally settles on, “I just want you to give him a chance.” 

“He doesn’t deserve it. Least of all from you.” 

“You don’t get to make that choice for me.” 

“But you do?” 

The words stung and again, Remus had nothing to say. Regulus knew it too, face pitying and tired. His eyes were carved with deep circles Remus remembers from their past - but more sickly now. For once he doesn’t see Sirius when he looks at him. Again Remus is wondering where Regulus has been all this time and the pit in his stomach aches. 

“He misses you.” Remus pauses, mouth dry, “I miss you.” 

Regulus lips curve at that, eyes a little glazed, “You should tell him first. I hadn’t realized he knew nothing.” 

“I will, before _-_ before we leave, I will.” 

He pauses at that, lips pulling down into a thin line. “.. The party or England?” 

“We leave at the end of August.” 

“He doesn’t deserve it,” He says again instead and the sneer is back and it twists Regulus’ face. “Neither do you.” 

“Well, I don’t disagree with the latter of that.” 

It was the wrong thing to say again. Regulus’ lips curling over in distaste further. Remus didn’t take it back though, it was true, and based on the silence that stretched over them Regulus couldn’t disagree. The youngest sighed and stretched as if done with the conversation, stool scraping against the floor with a loud screech.

“I’ll go along with it for now. But you need to tell him soon.” 

“I will-” 

_“Remus.”_

The call of his name in that tone was startling and he wanted to pull at his skin, detach and watch it fall around him like ribbons. The call brought back too much - unfamiliar skin and the taste of metallic cooper, fresh rain and the salty spray of the sea. Cigar smoke that hurt his lungs and the feeling of an unfamiliar hand that wasn’t quite right in his. Regulus’ eyes were swimming like molten pools of metal and Remus didn’t want to see anymore - didn’t want to face the emotions rapidly changing through him. Face the past actions he wasn’t sure he regretted.

“Tell him.” 

“I know.” 

It came out cracked, voice quiet despite the noise that surrounded them. His hand was pressed into Regulus’ for just a moment, by the time he registered the heat of his skin, it was gone - Regulus with it. In a flurry of black and the smell of freshly fallen rain and the moisture of the earth. Remus was left with more secrets than when he started. 

*****

The rest of the party blurred by in vaguely familiar faces and the scent of barbequed smoke and bumping music. Regulus avoided him like the plague and Sirius kept sending them both longing glances while sticking to James’ side like glue. It reminded Remus of fights back in boarding school, though their relationship didn’t feel nearly as strained back then. Stretched and pulled too taught Remus feared it would snap with any more pressure. Despite Sirius’ own reassurance, despite feeling his own soul was so ingrained with Sirius’, he feared they’d fall apart at the threads any moment. The fabric of their relationship falling around him in thick strips that left him grasping.

People started filtering out the later it got - sun dipping down past the horizon and painting the sky in a fiery orange. Hues of red and violet splayed throughout the clouds and ending the day with it. Andromeda took Teddy home as Dora and him lulled behind - helping to clean and straighten up the mess that the party had left in its wake. Paper plates and cups spewed everywhere and streamers falling off the pins that kept them in place. 

Music still filtered through the house as they worked, soft and pleasant guitar strummings that contrasted the upbeat music that had just previously livened up the Potter household. Sirius and Regulus were quietly talking in tense voices by the edge of the yard that sent Remus’ anxiety rearing - but he ignored it in favor of focusing on the remaining dishes that needed to be rinsed, Dora pleasantly humming along to the song beside him. 

“You’re driving him home, yes?” Dora asked, pausing her humming as she scrubbed at a serving plate. 

“.. Yes. I figured we could talk.” Remus’ words came out far more guarded and cautious than he wanted. Suspicious. The familiar crawl of guilt creeped up his throat so he added, rushed, “I’ll be back soon though.” 

She smiled at that, soft and cracked and far too understanding for someone in her position. “Take all the time you need. I’ll be waiting for you at home.” Her eyes stayed focused on the soapy water below her, the wetness reflecting in her own eyes. “Always.” 

*****

The door to Sirius' apartment slammed with a resounding click, casting the apartment in darkness. Their breaths sounded heavy and loud - resentating in the silence that followed. The car ride here had been much the same. With another click the living room was bathed in fluorescent light and Sirius collapsed on the couch with a sigh. His shoulders slumped and he closed his eyes, the same weary look his face held this morning was etching its way back. 

Stress coated on the tips of his fingers where they dug into closed eyes, another sigh pushing past cracked lips, tense movements carading through his limbs before going lax. Remus tentatively sunk down beside him, close enough that their sides pressed together and close enough that he could feel the echo of memories that relentlessly followed them. 

“.. Sorry, for saying all that. It was shit.” 

Remus hummed, lulling his head to Sirius’ shoulder so he wouldn’t have to look at him. Wouldn’t have to see the disappointment. “I shouldn’t have excluded you to begin with.” 

Sirius didn’t disagree and it made a swirl of sick go through Remus, so he closed his eyes, settling further into the warmth beside him and ignoring the sting of betrayal he felt with the action.

“Can’t seem to find a good pace with each other, can we?” Sirius asked, quiet and gentle and entirely too close. Remus could feel his breath on the shell of his ear, the tips of his hair brush against his cheek. 

No, they really couldn’t. Hurting each other every chance they got, words and actions haunted by the past - both refusing to let go of something that should have died out a very long time ago. The thoughts bring a taste of ash to Remus’ mouth, a building headache behind his closed eyes. He doesn’t want to think about them anymore - doesn’t want to twist and fix something that shouldn’t be fixed but can’t be undone. 

Remus, equally quiet, mimics Sirius’ own words, “I never want to lose you again.”

The weight of Sirius’ own head rested utop Remus’, “Tell me about Regulus then.”

Those days were blurry at best. Remus remembered the times he tried to drink himself to death. Back when he thought it was possible, where he didn’t realize his body had things like gag refluxes to expel too much alcohol and ambulances had stomach pumps for when you failed. 

Back when cigarettes were extinguished on skin that left lasting scars and permanent burns on lungs. Back when rooftops were easy to sit utop and wonder if it’d be easier to jump instead of climbing back down. 

That was when Regulus always showed up. In the quiets of the morning, and the saving graces of a one bedroom apartment with overdue rent. 

As it turned out, as pleasant as it was feeling so drunk your head might as well be floating above the clouds, it was not fun to think about choking to death on your own vomit. It did not taste good. Nausea did not feel good. Cigarettes could only take the edge off for so long - rooftops were bad places for contemplation and Regulus was undoubtedly the wrong brother. 

Remus didn’t say any of that though, lips sealing as the question hung in the silence between them. Suspended by time and patience that Remus probably didn’t deserve. His intake of breath felt ragged, rattling against the burns in his lungs and shaking on the way out. “He was there for me.. when you died.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo these boys really do be a mess out here. double chapter update though because i know i haven't posted in a while!!! hope everyone had a fun and safe halloween <3 chapter song this time is "Sorry" from halsey!


	9. A Soulmate Who Wasn't Meant To Be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter title is brought to you from Jess Benko, its fits this chapter very well! warning!! this is a very remus/regulus heavy chapter. while the main ship is still wolfstar, remus' relationship with other characters is a huge plot point in this fic! <3 
> 
> TW: suicide mentions, drug mentions, very slight mentions of non-con, death mentions, other heavy topics. please be safe.

Remus can still remember the blaring of sirens, the rain of gunshots, and the heavy scent of fear that resided in that house when the operation was originally busted. The way everything played painfully slowly, the terror that coursed through him, the steady look of acceptance on Sirius’ face when he was told to run. Those very moments solidified in his brain would have been better than this. The trial lasted a year and a half and in the end, Sirius’ sentence was as severe as the rest. 

The wind is cold and stings against his cheeks this high up, the blaring of traffic and horns, and the bustling city seemed faint over the howling of the wind. Wiping past his hair and clothes and tilting his world this high up. Though the world was already tilted, wrong and terrifying and set in those ways with Sirius gone to a place Remus couldn’t follow. The sun was dipping past the horizon, purples splaying over the skies that matched the melancholy Remus felt. A dull ache residing in him, the weight of what that sentence meant, hadn’t hit him yet. Remus wasn’t sure it would - not now, not with the way the world was zipping past so quickly and the sounds of life continued around him in their normalcy. They always say denial is the first step in the grieving process - Remus had to wonder if that’s what this was. 

The rooftop wasn’t scenic and it clashed terribly with the setting sun. A tall barbed fence closed the entire roof off, trash littering against the walls and grime set so deep into the concrete it became a layer. Remus hated how ugly it all looked, how ugly he felt, how ugly everything felt. The cold seeping into him just as it did this city, casting everything in its depressing gray hue. 

“You’re not going to jump, are you?”

The question was voiced with such amusement it almost felt inappropriate given the circumstances. Remus hadn’t heard the creaking of the heavy metal door over the howling wind, the very question almost drowned out, lost in the space between them. Black invaded his vision, overtaking the dying sun and the city life below them. Smirking lips that looked too similar, eyes that looked too similar, a face that looked too similar. But it was all wrong of course, hair cut too short, smile falling just a little lower, eyes more narrow. It would have seemed out of character to anyone else, but Remus knew now, just how neutral Regulus really was with this situation.

He huffed, something stuck between a laugh and a sigh, “No, of course not.”

Clearly discontent with Remus’ answer, he turned out to the city as well. Fingers twisting in the metal fence and making it rattle further, wind whipping up his hair into a mess that made him look more similar to his brother. Remus hadn’t meant to compare them, not really, but anything would have reminded him of Sirius in those moments. 

“You’re not enjoying my brother’s funeral then?” He asked instead, eyes still cast out into the dying cityscape. 

“It isn’t a funeral.” Remus murmured in return, “It’s not like he’s dead.” 

Regulus laughed then. Too high to be natural, bells clashing together violently and lost in the wind instead of carried. It was cynical and it matched the expression on his face when he turned back to Remus, face pitying, “He might as well be.” 

“You’re terrible.” Remus intoned,

“I can’t compare to the monster that Sirius became.”

Remus didn’t say anything to that, eyes lazily tracing the expanse of Regulus’ face. The curve of his lips and the similarities that lay between them. The wind whipped and hissed past them stinging Remus’ cheeks red and scorning his eyes dry. He murmured, quiet enough he didn’t think Regulus would hear him, 

“You shouldn’t speak ill of the dead then.” 

“You’re the one who said it wasn’t a funeral, contradicting aren’t we?” 

They didn’t speak after that. Remus was sure Lily and James and the others were still downstairs, that one of them would be up here sooner or later to coax him back down. Despite his weak protests, this was rather like a funeral. A mourning of their friend who wouldn’t be coming back, a way to break the news to his family, a way to say goodbye. It was a while before either of them moved and Remus wasn’t sure what else Regulus wanted out of this exchange. What he wanted out of him. But he stayed, silently standing, and watching the city move on. The wind continued to blow and Remus wished he could go with it. When Regulus departed it was with a roll of his eyes and the slamming of the door, annoyed and altogether done with the exchange. 

The fence was too tall to climb anyways. 

_***** _

All he could see when he looked at him was Sirius. 

Remus wondered if this is how it would always be, as they stared unblinkingly at each other from across the set of tracks on different sides of the platform. Remus had thought him a ghost at first, the ghost of a lover still ingrained in his every breath. But the moment passed when a train blurred by and the figure didn’t. And of course, the subtle differences between the two brothers became clear even from this distance. Eyes not sunken in and a sharper nose, the healthy glow of skin so unlike the sick parlor Sirius’ was. 

The quirk of lips was the same though and it brought a sour taste to his mouth. The screech of the cars clinking together and across the track, slowing to a stop in front of him was distracting and he vaguely wondered if his younger counterpart was boarding the same train. Despite the thought, he was still surprised when Regulus sat across from him, curious and amused. His mouth was still quirked and it hurt to look at, so he didn’t, eyes tracing the worn textbooks still gripped in his hands. The train continued to fill and the busy murmur of London came alive again as more people pushed and cramped inside the train car. 

Neither of them said anything and it threw Remus back to rooftops and cold wind and a terrible feeling of emptiness. So he pushed a semblance of words past cracked lips, “Didn’t think the noble Blacks were privy on taking the Tube.” 

Regulus raised an eyebrow to that, “Oh but good sir, we do try to humble ourselves now and again.” 

Remus blinked hard at that, confusion pulling at him with the way Regulus said it. So straightforward and serious, Remus wasn’t sure if he actually offended the other. A rushed apology was on the tip of his tongue before Regulus laughed and the sound took Remus so off guard, he was scrambling to gauge his expression. It wasn’t the condescending tilt he had come to associate with the younger, not cynical or mean and it was nothing like the one he heard on the rooftop. A foreign sound to come from Regulus, not one he would have heard in their school years. 

“Sorry.” He huffed another laugh, “It was a joke, but not a very good one I guess.” 

It left Remus speechless and uncomfortable, hands gripping the smooth surface of the textbook and tracing the outlines of the pages. Papercuts catching on the edges and ink smearing at the top. “What are you doing here though, really?” 

“I had some business in the area.” Regulus let a long sigh out, letting his shoulders slump. “Father has me running his errands these days - it was faster to take the Tube than drive.” 

Discomfort was slowly overtaking the amusement-lit features of Regulus’ face, sharp angles turning down and becoming disoriented with stress. Remus hadn’t thought of Sirius’ family, or Regulus for that matter, since the rooftop. He forgot about the family name and the responsibilities that were now falling onto the youngest Black. Even if he did though, Remus doesn’t think he could bring himself to care. Most of his time was thrown into classes and work and  _ forgetting. _ Not that it made it any easier, Regulus’ sudden appearance was proof of that. An emptiness that couldn’t be filled no matter how busy he got, no matter how hard he tried to forget, something always tied him back to Sirius. His eyes traced over the shape of Regulus’ face and all he could see was his brother. It seemed to ease the unrelenting hollowness Remus couldn’t shake - to see something so close to what once was. 

“That must be hard.” Remus mused without any real sympathy, words hanging between them, disconnected and empty.

“Not really,” Regulus continued in the lull, “I can’t complain about a free ride for life, can I?” 

His head nodded towards the books still nestled in Remus’ arms and it made the uncomfort grow, skin itching and tight where his hands were in view for Regulus to judge. Remus didn’t think he was the most insecure of people, but there was something about the critical way Regulus held him in his stare that made him suddenly very self conscious. He shouldn’t have to apologize for being in the working class but the temptation was there as the silence stretched - wanting to blurt out an apology for existing even.

“I suppose you can’t.” Remus bit out instead, tired with the conversation now, “Not that I’d know what that feels like.” 

He only gave a long hum to that, before abruptly, “Do you still live in that apartment - is that where you’re going?” 

The question was obscure and it made Remus want to squirm and lie, because honestly, it was none of Regulus’ business to begin with. But his voice drips poisonous honey and it's so similar, too similar - Remus wants to cover his ears and scream until his throat bleeds and his lungs disintegrate into the wind, but it’s so quiet and the screeching of the cars against the track mirrors his mind and he doesn’t know why he’s not screaming yet.  _ That apartment. _ The one that he and Sirius shared, the one that has traces of him everywhere, the one that tears Remus apart everytime he goes home. Leading down a path that leads to death and sickness that radiate from shadowed corners and crooked shacks posing as houses.

But instead he answers and it's rough and too thick with emotion to not give everything away, “Yes.” 

Regulus doesn’t laugh or smile like Remus expected though. It's quiet and safe and it brings Remus back to the rooftop and sunsets and abandonment and the thought to scream is back. But Regulus’ eyes are very pitying and curious as he looks back at Remus, like looking at a helpless animal and it makes Remus squirm. He  _ hates it.  _

He changes the topic then and it’s a strange act of kindness, one Remus isn’t sure he’s okay with, but he takes it anyway. Regulus fills the space between them with quiet conversation about his day and his father’s company and how the seasons are changing. He doesn’t bring up Sirius again. He talks and Remus isn’t sure if they’ve missed his stop but Regulus doesn’t get off until Remus does. They walk aimlessly through London for a while because Remus can’t stand the thought of going home - until the sun is set and the city lights turn on and Regulus runs out of things to say and Remus - Remus is thankful for it. 

*****

They develop a friendship of sorts after that, although Remus isn’t sure how. Even though Regulus still puts him on edge and his skin crawls with discomfort every time Regulus looks at him, he couldn’t say no. More importantly, he didn’t want to. 

He had a problem with saying no to anything Regulus proposed, no matter how much he did or didn’t want to do it. His stubborn trait seemingly vanished, agreeable with anything the younger wanted or did. It was how he found himself here, in the dim lighting and surrounded with the stench of cigars. A bar that was undoubtedly too high class for Remus to ever afford on his own, but the owner was a friend of the Blacks and neither of them would be carded. Even if it was stuffy and Remus hated it, Regulus didn’t. There was some jazz music floating through the air and if Remus was sober enough, he’d think it was wildly inappropriate for him to be this drunk at this kind of place. Hardly 19 and washed out, wasted on alcohol he’d never be able to afford. 

But he wasn’t sober enough, so that thought vanished as soon as it came. Regulus was in one of his moods where everything was amusing and he was pompous and Remus hated it and he hated that he was the only one drunk. He was smiling but it was condescending and it looked too familiar - felt too similar and it hurt to look at so Remus only slouched further down and his head hit the table. The firewhiskey sloshed in his cup, almost spilling the amber liquid everywhere. Remus wasn’t used to it, it was high grade and was easy to get drunk off and Remus hadn’t planned on getting drunk and he was frustrated but couldn’t voice it. Words slurring together until he just gave up, lips sealing. Regulus, Remus learned, was almost as touch starved as his brother had been. It was especially bad tonight - a hand around the elbow, a palm against a cheek, knees touching as they leaned into each other, a quick press of their foreheads, the slide of their hands as they both reached for their drinks at the same time. As unintentional as it may have been, Regulus was constantly touching him. Remus hated how much it reminded him of Sirius. He hated how much Regulus reminded him of Sirius.

“You alright there?” Regulus asked, no real concern in his voice. He leaned down so he was eye-level with Remus on the table, cheek nearly pressing into the cool tile. 

“No.” Remus whined, petulantly. He let his head roll to the side but the smoke from inside made him groan because it was nothing like normal cigarettes and he suddenly wanted one. The smoke from cigars was too thick and the scent too heady and Remus felt very warm now, headache building in his temples and he wished he wasn’t so drunk.

He could feel Regulus staring and noticed the frown starting to pull at his lips, scolding, “Then maybe you shouldn’t have drank so much.” 

A sneer was pulling at his handsome features and it reminded Remus so much of the young Regulus that it was almost comforting, startling a laugh out of him that made Regulus’ face screw up in confusion and all at once everything wasn’t funny anymore. Laugh stopping abruptly and reality sobering because again - all he could see when he looked at Regulus was his brother. He hated and he loved it. Emotion was causing his throat to close up, chest constricting with the effort and heart rate ramming painfully against his ribs to combat it. Anger and embarrassment churned in his stomach and for a moment, Remus felt as though he was going to be sick. It was a familiar feeling, one that he got whenever he had a fight with Regulus and he never knew who to hate more. Regulus or himself. He hated Regulus for putting him in such a position, but Remus hated himself just as much for allowing himself to be treated in such a way.

Remus let his head fall to the table again, hard enough to send their glasses shaking. “You look so much like him.” 

Regulus didn’t say anything to that, only taking another long sip from his own drink and wincing at the taste. They sat in silence for a while, as was customary for them, but Remus felt the guilt sit heavy in him for comparing them all night, always comparing, twisting and tearing up his insides until he felt sick. Bile sitting in the back of his throat. Words kept getting trapped on the tip of his tongue so he was thankful when Regulus finally said, “Okay. Let’s get you home before you start drunk crying - you suck to hangout with.” 

It wasn’t said jokingly but it forced a laugh out of him, wet and too high but it was something and the silence melted, becoming just a little less stifling. Remus could walk fine but Regulus held him up anyways, sides pressing into each other and stumbling out into the night.

*****

His limbs were shaky and his gums ached.  A tightness in his chest so pronounced it actually felt like choking, dizziness like he’d been hanging upside down for hours, tingling legs and numb hands. It felt like death warmed over and served on a cold platter, but his vision was still fuzzing and the eulogy was fading because there was a gripping panic that left Remus gasping. The oxygen was too thin and every breath sent pain racing through his lungs, screaming and panting for more. 

Remus doesn’t remember how long it lasted - but the sun had set and darkness was encasing the apartment. He liked it better when he couldn’t see. The smell of mold was still predominant, leaky watercooler still audible, but he couldn’t see the traces of life that lived there and somehow that was better. There was still an ache in his head that hadn’t faded, from the reminisce of panic or laying on the jagged wooden panels, Remus couldn’t tell. It pounded lightly and rattled in the back of his skull but he didn’t have the energy to try and ease it. Limbs still stiff with the reminence of pins and needles racing through them, ceasing and locking his joints in place. Even if they weren’t, Remus doubted he would have had the energy to get up.

The wood was cool where it pressed against his sticky forehead. Distractions were becoming harder, Remus realized, as he continued to take several long breaths. The ache in his lungs was easing despite still feeling like death was clinging to his skin. Assignments were piling up because Remus couldn’t remember the last time he had bothered to do one, bothered to go to class even. Everything swirled into one and the days were becoming harder to remember - motivation fading with the simplest of tasks. 

Rent was overdue and Remus was spiraling into a dysfunction he couldn’t pull himself out of. He wanted to see Sirius. But the thought brought back unfamiliar hands that skittered across his skin and the taste of iron, gunshots, and the heavy stench of fear. Remus hated Sirius. Remus hated that he loved Sirius too.

A ringing shot out and echoed off the silent walls in the apartment, the pleasant jingle was annoying and it made Remus want to hit his head against the floor. The brightness of the phone was glaring in the dark, squinting his eyes and wondering if he really wanted to take the call. Remus knew if he didn’t, he’d be on his way to the apartment, and then Remus would really be left with no choice. 

“Hello?” Remus answered, but his voice was rough, gravely with unuse. 

_ “Hello?” _ and then,  _ “Remus, hello?” _

“I’m here.” 

_ “You sound like shit.” _

“Wow _ ,  _ thanks.” 

The static from the phone hurts his ears and bile still feels like it's crawling up his throat. The conversation lulls and Remus wished he could hangup. 

_ “.. Where are you?” _

Home but no, this - this wasn’t a home anymore. “The apartment.” 

*****

Regulus was judgy, where Sirius wasn’t. Disdain was scorning his face and twisting his features, lips curled up in ridicule. He didn’t say anything, not yet, but his eyes were heavy and filled with disapproval when Remus offered him the lit cigarette. The expressions were so dramatic Remus couldn’t help the laugh, breath visible and clouding with the cold. He was drunk again, amber liquid warming him from the inside and the embers of a lit cigarette on the out. 

The breath of fresh wind was hitting his face and it made his cheeks go red and numb and Regulus obviously must have thought he looked very silly like that. Half out of a window in a pitch-black apartment that hadn’t been cleaned in weeks. But the intake of smoke brought ease and a sense of comfort. And a drunk Remus could hear the whispers of Sirius and his touches on his skin. 

Or maybe that was Regulus, as Remus was shoved to the side and the cigarette was nimbly plucked from his fingers without disregard. Remus’ protest died on the way out as Regulus himself took a slow drag, spluttering immediately and choking on the smoke. He laughed again then, because Regulus always made such different faces, taking the cigarette back and blowing the smoke softly out the window. It carried and drifted until it disintegrated into the cold. 

Remus liked being drunk better than he liked being sober these days. It was easier to block things out and his thoughts got mushed together, sentences scrambling before they could be pieced. He didn’t have to live with the constant feeling of sick in his stomach, or anxiety crawling through his skin. There were no dizzying headaches where the world wouldn’t stop spinning because everything was wrong, so wrong,  _ wrongwrongwrong.  _

Remus hated separation, hated knowing people die, people leave, and he hated how vulnerable all humans were. The fear of others leaving was something he suspected was universal deep down, and Remus was definitely human, no matter how much he almost wished he wasn’t.

“That tastes like shit.” Regulus complained later, slouched against the window with him. His face had already gone red from the biting wind and he looked uncomfortable, crouched up next to Remus in a bulky coat as they both sat on the floor. The beginnings of snow were just starting to fall, gentle wisps of white clouding past the window and falling to the city below.

“It’s not supposed to taste like anything,” Remus replied, taking a final drag before putting the embers out on his own arm. It was a habit he had taken up, doing so without thought, because Sirius had the same scars on his inner wrist and it was something that could finally connect them. Not that it mattered anymore. It looked ugly, skin too pale and pulled tightly over bone that made him look like a walking corpse. He hissed as it burned and his arm was quickly wretched away from the remaining ashes still flickering and lit in the dark. 

Panic was washing over Regulus’ face, features distorted and Remus hated when he looked like that. But it was slow, his brain not tracking what was happening, as sharp words flew past the younger's lips. Harsh and scolding and high-pitched tinged with panic that sounded like Sirius. Regulus had a tendency to always sound like Sirius, no matter what he said. Moonlight was splaying past the window and spilling onto the younger's face, turning pale skin white and dark eyelashes ethereal. The effect vanished as soon as he opened his mouth though. 

“You’re terrible,” Regulus sneered, but his actions were kind. Softly prodding at the burned skin with gentle fingertips and Remus wanted to tear his arm away because it felt too similar and Remus hated it. He hated him.

“I know,” he said instead, “Really just the worst.” 

The world was buzzing in and out of focus after that, vision going black around the edges, or maybe that was just Regulus’ hair. So close Remus could smell the tea that clung to his skin and the scent of rain that always followed. He was tired now and it was just so easy to lean forward and it was soft and warm, the smell was comforting in a way Remus hadn’t felt since his lover left. Regulus’ breathing stuttered, chest constricting under Remus’ head before it mellowed, even breaths that Remus could hear rattle inside his lungs. He didn’t want to move, the smell comforting and familiar. It made the torment that clung to Remus just a little more dull. 

There was a pounding in Remus’ head when he woke. Light blinding even with his eyelids closed and a pinch in his skull that made him want to tear through skin and bone. He hadn’t noticed the fingers crading through his hair until they caught against his skin and suddenly he was scrambling back and falling half-way out the bed. His hand was caught at the last minute, arm being pulled tightly until he was back in his original position and had a face full of Regulus. 

And the night came crashing back of a dingy apartment and a light bill that hadn’t been paid and firewhiskey that burned his throat and the wrong brother. Of cigarette burns and moonlight spilling in past snow. Morning light was flowing in softly across his cheeks and his hair was mused from sleeping in a strange position, one half sticking up at an odd angle. 

“Why..” Remus questioned but his voice was rough with sleep and he coughed, “Why are you still here?”

An eyebrow raised arched and aristocratic and it was so alike Remus almost had to turn away. But his eyes still stayed trained because something felt very wrong with this picture, something like betrayal and guilt clawed its way up his throat and sat heavy in his stomach. 

“You don’t remember last night?” Regulus questioned, hand propped up under his head until he was gazing  _ down _ at Remus, hovering slightly over the bed. Like a lover would after intimacy and it made Remus want to crawl far far away.

“Remember..” Remus repeated, confused, “I remember fine. You called and just showed up. Why?” 

His eyebrows furrowed then, lips turning down as if he was confused by his own actions, “I felt like seeing you.” 

The light was still too bright and his head was still pounding and Remus really rather not analyze those words at the moment. He scrunched his eyes and the action hurt and he flopped his head back onto the pillow, but it just sent another wave of rattling pain through his skull. A groan was being pulled from his chest and his mouth tasted like bile. Remus didn’t want to think anymore. But alarm bells were going off in his head because those words were spoken too softly, a whispered confession in the morning light, delicate and trusting and devastating in the silence that followed. Hesitant fingers still hovering over messy curls and something like dread sat heavy inside him.

“Don’t say that Regulus.”

*****

The sand itches where it climbs up the exposed part of Remus’ wrist. It’s coarse and reminded him of the callouses on a forgotten lover's hands as they would rake over his skin. His skin feels itchy and salty now - as a breeze of seawater blows across his skin and the mist makes him shiver because it's still far too cold to be at the beach. But Regulus had insisted so of course, they were there. 

It wasn’t fun to be with Regulus. Then again, nothing was fun for Remus anymore. Joy wasn’t an accessible pleasure for him but the youngest Black was easy to tag along with and his raging thoughts seemed to quiet with him. They sit in silence for a couple of minutes before Regulus finishes his crepe with a satisfied sigh and taps away at his phone briefly. A cooling breeze has kicked up from the water and Remus closes his eyes to soak it in. Savor the feeling of wind and the feeling of Regulus beside him - warm and stable. It’s not so bad, really. Being together, that is. At least not when they’re sharing the quiet. Their relationship changes the second either of them opens their mouths though. Remus won’t stop comparing and Regulus won’t stop patronizing. Deep down, Remus always figured this was a pastime for him, a new game or hobby, an outlet. Disposable. Then again he can’t read minds and Remus doesn’t know if he’ll ever really know what motive Regulus has for continuing this. Regulus is hard to read, where Sirius wasn’t.

The taste of Remus’ own crepe tastes like cardboard and he doesn’t understand why he suddenly can’t taste things now. It still smells like glazed sugar and whipped cream but the taste - he isn’t sure why everything is paper and ash. Even with the permanent ache that resided in his stomach, a constant reminder that it needed food, Remus couldn’t bring himself to finish the dessert. Regulus is distracting as he talks about work and the way the Black business feels like a scam, fraudulent and he wishes he could take over already. Remus tries to listen, ignore the way the ocean calls and how easy it’d be to submerge until his lungs are filled with seawater and his thoughts would cease to exist. 

But Regulus is there again. Not in a saving grace type way, but a jolt you back into reality, as their sides press together hard enough to bruise. He’s there in the way that Remus can devote himself to listening and focus on the way Regulus’ lips move as he forms words. He’s there in the way that Remus can pretend for a little longer. He’s there in the way that it's easy to forget everything that’s happened when Regulus looks so much like his brother. 

Children scream and laugh somewhere further down on the pier and the rocking of the ocean hits against the pillars below them. Seagulls screech and Regulus talks and the smell of crepes is overwhelming and terrible with the salt water and the world continues to go on and Remus wants to scream. 

*****

Regulus was quiet, where Sirius wasn’t. Remus hadn’t been to 12 Grimmauld Place since he was in school and it looked very much the same as the first time he visited it. It was too stuffy even now, the wallpaper glittery and old archaic portraits still taking up most of the halls that the home exhibited. Remus had always hated big houses and this was no exception. It felt cold and not for the first time his thoughts were quickly engulfed in how someone as warm and vibrant as Sirius could stand it here. Dimming and dampening any form of warmth that entered through its doors. 

Strangely enough, Regulus looked as if he belonged. Standing straight and tall in the midst of the dollhouse like living room, furniture fragile and ghady and bitter. He seemed to blend well into the rest of the house, aristocratic features standing out prodiomently with sharp eyes and even sharper words. As he slowly trailed after Regulus, careful of each footstep on the creaking wood, he took note of how nothing changed. 

The ceilings were tall and long, wallpaper slightly fraying at the edges, floorboard still that off-white that made everything a little unsettling. Grimmauld place never looked lived in and it made the entire house suffocating, even to an outsider like Remus. Though Regulus still moved easily with poise, like a fish to water, even if his face was so stiff it looked like a mask about to crack. Remus had been able to pick up on subtle changes like that as they continued to build whatever it was they had between them. He hesitated to call them friends, it always felt like Remus was being used whenever they were around each other. Not that Remus was any better though.

He hadn’t tried to speak until they were both in a room upstairs, one Remus didn’t recognize or hadn’t been in when he was younger, door swinging shut and creaking on the hinges. Everything in this house was becoming more and more suffocating and Remus could feel the frustration burning under his skin after being suddenly asked here, chewing on the inside of his cheeks until he tasted iron. Regulus still hadn’t turned to him, stiff as stone and looking out one of the impressively large windows that took up most of the wall. 

“Okay,” Remus sighed, frustration burning through his tone, “Why am I here? Did you need something?”

He couldn’t help twisting the sleeves of his sweater as he asked, anxiety coursing through him at the strange attitude. Blunt nails with blood still sticking to them, spindly fingers and a bony hand were fisting in and out between the material. It was something agreed upon between Lily and James and even Regulus, that Sirius wasn’t brought up to him. Remus knew James wrote religiously to Sirius, despite receiving few letters in between, and took phone calls with him whenever he could. The same couldn’t be said for Remus, who hadn’t spoken to him since his trial date. Because of this, all Remus could think was something must have happened to him. It made him go sick with the thought, hands tearing at what skin they could find, anxiety stricken and panicky until his airways felt closed.

“My fathers dead.” 

It was the last thing Remus expected to hear from Regulus and it made him jump when the latter suddenly spoke. “..What?” 

“My father, Orion,” Regulus repeated, “is dead.” 

It was a while before the words fully sink in for Remus, thoughts drifting to his own deceased mother, to Sirius and then back. He realized how easy it was to truly lose people. How fragile humans are, how tragic everything in this life seemed to be. His mouth moved but any words refused to come out and Regulus seemed to look so small then, back so straight and tight the wind would be able to knock him over. “Does Sir-” 

He wasn’t able to finish, Regulus suddenly laughing in the cruel way he did when patronizing someone. Remus flinched back but it was too late. Regulus was there and grabbing at his wrist too tightly, rage engulfing his features, threatening and Remus suddenly felt very caged in. He took a step back and he followed, distance closing each step until Remus found himself between Regulus and the wall. 

“What is your deal with him?” Regulus asked, his voice was tight and low and it sent Remus’ heart hammering in his chest. Alarms blaring and ringing inside his head that made it hard to concentrate on his words. “No, he doesn’t need to know. He’s practically in the same boat as our father now.” 

Irritation flared further inside Remus hearing that, but his lips were clamped shut with his wrists being so tightly gripped, a wash of panic and fear rushing through him. Protests dying in his throat the more enraged Regulus looked, lips furled up and teeth grinding together. 

“.. Let go please.” 

This close, Remus could feel the breath hit his face when Regulus sighed. Hot and heavy, sending shivers down his spine that made him want to writhe away from him. “You’re the one who needs to let go.” 

When he let go Remus’ wrist stung a lot less than his words. 

They talked after. Regulus broke, screaming and tearing at anything he could get his hands on and for once he looked his age. Terribly young and frightened, lashing out at the world, at how unfair it all was. Both the blacks hated their father, that much had always been true. Yet still, he screamed and screamed and Remus wished he could join him. 

*****

“Why are you in love with Sirius?” 

The question was almost swallowed in the silence and Remus thought about ignoring it for a very long time, letting the seconds stretch between them. It wasn’t asked with the malice Regulus normally used when bringing up his brother, hate not coating his tone, resentment not filling his voice. But instead, whispered in the quiet of the rising sun, eyes slightly glazed and lost. Remus often asked himself the same question and always came up blank. It was something he was never able to put into words. Regulus’ voice was still course, rough with screaming. Fragile. 

The breeze came by and it was still cold, the breath of spring doing nothing to warm the frigid winter away. Winter never seemed to end. Snow on the ground was starting to melt and the flowers were starting to bud on the trees but still, there was a chill Remus couldn’t shake. The hand in his was warm though, circles being traced into the skin. Warnings went off in Remus’ head when Regulus first tried it, immediately rejecting the idea, but somehow Remus found his hand still being held. Intertwined and clasped together on the bench they were on, bony hands encased around each other. Tethered together so tightly - if they let go Remus feared neither of them would make it through the morning. 

Remus took what little comfort he could find in it. The sun was starting to rise and the park stayed desolate, 12 Grimmauld Place behind them, still filled with screams of loss. His breath billowed out in white wisps when he finally found the words to reply, “Sirius was the blinding sun that I couldn’t help but look up to. A constant reassurance, someone who would always be there, he was.. consistence.” 

The irony of his words hit him and he couldn’t help the laugh, depreciating and foolish feeling. “Somewhere along the way that turned into love.” 

Regulus only hummed in reply, not bothering with words. Circles were still being traced into his skin and it felt comforting in a way Remus had almost forgotten. Words were starting to choke up in his throat, ball forming at the base - stuck with emotion. A blackhole of longing constantly pulled Remus forward, but it was a place he couldn’t follow. A downward spiral that Sirius had pushed him down and couldn’t pull him out from. Not this time. When emotion finally cleared from his throat he filled the silence, “You should tell Sirius.” 

“Would it matter?” Regulus huffed, laughing with no mirth, “It won’t change anything for him in there.” 

And then, 

“You can tell him.” 

They both knew he wouldn’t. 

It was as cruel as it was true, exactly the type of thing Remus expected from Regulus. In all that he was, the coldness and malice that dripped from the Black name would always be carried with him. It made something twist in Remus’ gut, something like pity for the youngest son. Regulus hated Sirius more than Remus ever could, afterall. 

“He deserves to know.” 

“He hates him.” 

Remus couldn’t argue with that but it still felt wrong and he wanted to protest further - but he couldn’t find the energy suddenly. Shoulders slumping with the exhaust that morning brought. Anxiety lay waste and fading with the dew as the heat of the day came to melt it away.

“I can be consistent.” 

The earnestness in which Regulus said it, so selfless sounding, it pulled a soft laugh from Remus. Regulus hadn’t been selfless a day in his life so the words were almost humoring if not a little sad. Startled out of the spiral of fatigue with such an absurd statement, Remus smiled, “You’re not a replacement.” 

Regulus could be kind, where Sirius wasn’t. 

*****

Remus was the one who said it yet - that didn’t seem to be how things played out for them. The guilt of that kept him up at night, but still, it wouldn’t have changed anything.

There was no other path available to them, no easy escape, not an out. Remus knew why Regulus did it, could understand the way his brain rationalized it. Easy and convenient in the way Remus would go along with everything when Regulus asked, fall so effortlessly in line. A way to pass time, a new game, revenge against the only brother he had known. All these things could have been motivators, the reason, but it didn’t matter. None of it ever mattered. When you play with fire eventually you’ll get burned. 

Burned on a street corner with a flickering lamp post that shredded Regulus’ face in shadows. Burned with spring rain pouring down and pressed too close together under one umbrella with hands clasped and skin that felt like acid. The betrayal that would seize Remus’ limbs that lead up to this, didn’t come, somehow accepting of it. Burned in the way that the spring burned away the winter - and he wished he could go back. 

No, body heat simply could not be shared by the patronizing Black and the living corpse. Even if the warmth was able to penetrate this invisible forcefield, Remus wouldn’t doubt that he was too numbed in his brain and body to feel it reach him. This didn’t make him secure. It didn’t make him feel better. And worst of all, that over-glorified symbol didn’t even blink an eye. There was no comforting ruffling of hair when his tears fell, only heartbreaking silence that passed between them.

Remus only realized that he had actually let it happen when he felt soft lips covering his own. The moment was brief, but somehow time seemed to slow down - and it made alarm bells go off inside Remus’ head because this was wrong, very wrong, really bad idea - but also so soft and familiar and he had to stop himself from leaning in and pressing closer because he really shouldn’t be encouraging this - but— after all, all he could ever see when he looked at Regulus was Sirius.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaa i really need a beta for this fic 


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